Closure.
Every morning when I wake up I tell myself that it’s going to be a good day. I’m not going to let anything upset me. I’m not going to let thoughts of ex-boyfriends or cancer scares get me down. I’m not going to let my Poo Problem interfere with my life. Today, I’m going to get up, get showered and dressed and leave the house. I’m going to get loads of writing work done. I’m going to be a regular person again.
When I woke up this morning I told myself that. Then I hopped onto Facebook to see what was happening in the world. Have you ever noticed that it’s the first thing you do in the morning now? It’s almost like flicking on the TV to watch the news. I saw The Redneck’s wife had put a post up saying they needed to one of their beautiful dogs down on Saturday. This made me cry hysterically. The pup had cancer. She was my favourite out of all three of their pups. She used to come and sit with me when I was round at Jock’s writing, waiting for him to finish playing with The Redneck on whatever bonkers idea they were working on for the next five minutes.
He promised me, no matter what, he’d tell me when that dog had to be put down. He pinkie promised me. He didn’t though, did he? No I had to find out from Facebook instead. I cried hysterically on the phone to my mother for about half an hour and instead of getting up, getting showered and getting on with my life, I spent an hour running to and from the toilet yet again, smoked a spliff and sat down at my laptop just like I’ve done everyday almost for the last month.
It gets worse too. He’s back on POF. I happened to see him online today. See, I can put my online status down to research. I’m always doing writing projects on online dating so my real (and one fake) profile is always turned on and off. I saw him from the fake profile, looked at him and of course, because I’d viewed him he then viewed me and sent me a message. I sent him one right back – “Doing research for a project, see you’re dating again. Happy fishing!” There’s no pic on that profile you see. He didn’t know it was me he was messaging. I could have played along for a while but I’m not that much of a psycho. Not yet anyway.
It’s really gutting when you see your (ex-)boyfriend on an online dating website. We haven’t spoken for a week admittedly, but the last thing I knew, we were giving it another shot. I hung up on him the day after the colonoscopy and blocked him from everywhere but he hasn’t even tried to contact me. The way I have my settings ensure that I would have known even if he had messaged me. He hasn’t even bothered. He hasn’t even tried.
So without actually telling me we were over, he’s back to internet dating again. Within a week of my colonoscopy, which he still doesn’t know about by the way, he’s back online dating and forgetting all about me. What a cunt. What a complete and utter cunt.
He ruins every day. Every day I wake up, something about him ruins it whether it’s a friend’s post or a new realisation that I wasn’t good enough for him. You know what makes it worse? He didn’t even message me back. He just ignored it. He saw that I knew he was dating and did nothing about it. He still hasn’t had the balls to tell me it was actually over. I am no longer a factor in his life. Let’s face it though, I’ve not been a factor for a while. At least now I know. He has been stringing me along for months. Who knows how long more?
The thing that makes me laugh, and you’re going to think I’m a bitter bitch for this, is he’s changed the profile pictures he’s using to one that looks nothing like him anymore. In the picture he looks young, vibrant and full of life. Now he’s fat, grey and looks haggard. I love him and I loved the way he looked but honestly, he was no picnic. At least we know his next girlfriend will be a downgrade. No one really knew how he managed to ‘bag’ me anyway. I know I sound really bitchy but I kinda have to be at this point. I literally can’t believe the lengths that this guy has gone to, to hurt me. Perhaps not on purpose but he’s definitely aware of it. I’ve been telling him for long enough.
On the other side of the coin, we’ve been breaking up for months now. I’m pretty much all cried out I reckon. At least I have closure now. Right?
I know you are gonna hate me for that, but I saw this coming… Nobody wants to believe this but ‘there is a reason that things didn’t work the first time around’. I wish I’d hear this advice myself more often. Most men are very ‘simple’ and ‘typical’. If you hung up on them, they won’t care. If you tell them ‘Leave me alone’, they will actually ‘leave you alone’. I want a man who fights for me and for what we have. I think I deserve that. And you too.
On a more important note, I hope you get better soon and that the results bring good news and peace of mind. You don’t deserve going through all of this.