Apparently Hopeless At Dating

So I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m 100% fucking hopeless at this dating business. Like literally hopeless. I’ve been back in the world of internet dating for about three weeks now and I’m going to be honest, I’ve already had about as much as I think I’m willing to handle.

I’ve been called a cunt. I’ve been trolled. I’ve been asked if I want to spank a guy, whip a guy, ball-bust (I don’t even know what that means), tie ’em up, bend ’em over, you name it. The weirdest, most bizarre things you could think of, I’ve been asked to do them.

I’ve been sent messages that don’t make sense from men who are clearly illiterate retards. I have been sent poems by wet-drips, essays by boring guys, one-word hello’s from men who clearly have nothing else to say. I’ve never had this much bad luck internet dating. I normally get messages from the odd fuck-wit but overall, I’ve had pretty good success. Obviously not at the relationships that followed but I never seem to have an issue getting dates as such. Or I never seemed to before. You know back when I was fat. Now I’m skinnier, I don’t get chatted up and if I do, it’s by men I wouldn’t even dream of looking twice at.

**I know it probably has nothing to do with my size. 

Seriously though, I really need to re-evaluate some stuff here. I thought about ‘being single for a while’ like everyone keeps telling me I need to but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be single. I want to be in a relationship with someone – not just anyone of course, but it would be nice to have a proper relationship. I can’t really class Someone New as an actual relationship. For a start I knew it was wrong for months and secondly, it was barely a relationship. We never saw each other. We essentially just dated for eight months.

I don’t want to be single. I’m almost thirty and I’ve had about as much of dating and being single as I want to handle. I no longer drink. I don’t go out partying. I have settled down to adulthood except I seem to have forgotten about the husband and baby meant to be in tow. I want to settle down. I want to find someone who I can feel settled with, stable with. I want to find the man that I think would make a great father to my kids. I want to find a man I want to marry. I’m not looking for any guy that comes along, I just don’t want to date any longer. I know it’s a really vital part of getting to the relationship bit but I’m sick of it. Where is he? Where is this ‘The One’? I’m so BORED of dating!

I’m frustrated. In every which way you could imagine. I want to take a man to bed but I’m too picky to find one. I want to snuggle up with someone on Sundays. I want to go out for dinner. I want to spend hours watching movies together. I want to be naked with someone. I want to be wined and dined and in return, I want to lavish him with gifts and affection. I want a relationship. I just want a relationship with the right guy, not the wrong guy again. I’m sick of the wrong guys.

I keep holding on to this deluded dream that somehow Jock and I will get back together and I must admit, I have been incredibly tempted to message him a few times recently. I’ve been left to my own devices with Bestie going off on his jollies and there’s been a couple of times in the middle of the night I’ve been more than a little stoned and I’ve thought about bringing up his chat thread on Facebook and just typing in “Hi”. I’ve never done it. I just end up typing long letters to him that I also don’t send. I can’t work out if I’m being stubborn by not getting in touch despite how I feel or if I’m doing the right thing in standing my ground. It’s hard to stand your ground when your heart isn’t 100% behind your decision you know?

I think I need to let him go which saddens me more than anything else in the world. I was so sure he was my happy ever after and I was so sure we would end up figuring it out at some point. I’m starting to lose faith. In fact, I think I have lost faith. He’s never going to send me that message. He’s never going to get in touch. He’s not sad, desperate and lonely like me. I wouldn’t imagine he even thinks about me at all. So why am I holding on? Why do I keep holding on? What’s the point?

Ugh. I hate being single and I definitely hate dating.