Anniversaries.

I’m pretty sure today would have been the anniversary of Jock and I. The anniversary of when we first met on POF. The day I broke up with One Ball, and met the new love of my life, all on the same day. I didn’t realise until my TimeHop showed me the picture I’d put up on Facebook last year. I swear social media is the devil when it comes to reliving past relationships.

We’d have been together two years, I think. It’s funny because I always thought we were together for a lot longer than we were. I’m shit with anniversaries and birthdays, but I realised we were barely together a year and half. I thought it had been longer.

“One year ago this crazy man bounced into my life, and it hasn’t been quite the same since. I love you dude! #happy #love #goodtimes #throwbackthursday”

The photo of us was the one I had taken after our third date together. That fateful third date in the tent when we slept together for the first time and I completely lost my mind. You have no idea how much I want that man back. You have no idea how much I love him.

Sometimes I think about emailing him. I won’t do it, obviously. I just write all the things I want to say and then post them here, normally the same shit over and over again because I seem to have found myself in this post-breakup ‘Pause’ spell, where I can’t get over him, move on, or stop thinking about him.

You know that one guy you won’t EVER get over, I think that’s him. I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. It’s strange because a few years ago, I thought Big Love was that guy. As hard as THAT breakup was, it’s still nothing compared to this one.

That’s how my life is defined now, one breakup after another.

I wish I knew was I was so unlucky in love. I wish I could find out why I keep spectacularly fucking relationships up, finding myself sadder and sadder with every loser that passes, wallowing in self pity for half my life, pining after yet another guy. I have an amazing man in the form of Someone New, and as much as I’m not sure he’s for me, even I can’t deny that he’s a wonderful person. It was my birthday recently, and he bought me the most amazing gifts. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that we probably weren’t going to last that much longer. Although I did try to talk to him about how fast he seemed to be moving in a bid to finally try and ‘click’ with him. I’m pretty sure my birthday-cocktail-induced drunken words may have included:

“I will break up with you soon if you don’t man up. I don’t need Mr. Control Freak trying to take care of me all the time. I’m not made of glass, and I’m tougher than I look. I can take care of myself!” 

Despite this, despite my utter bitchiness towards him as he was just tried to treat me to dinner and cocktails for my birthday, he LISTENED. He actually listened. He didn’t like what I said, and I’m pretty sure I offended him more than once, but he took it all on board. What’s worse, he actually changed.

I’m pretty sure I’ve found that rare unicorn of a man. You know the one I’m talking about. The one you made up in your head after years of realising the guys you were dating just weren’t good enough for you. Years of – he doesn’t fuck me hard enough, or he doesn’t buy me enough random gifts. He’s not romantic enough. He doesn’t take me out for dinner. He doesn’t treat me to breakfast in bed. He doesn’t text back quickly enough. He doesn’t text back at all. He doesn’t listen when I tell him I don’t like something…

Someone New is everything I’ve always SAID I wanted in a man. All those things I didn’t like about Jock, for example – no romance, never on time, too unreliable, too childish, bad with money, etc. Well, Someone New is the complete opposite. He’s very sensible with his money, acts like a grownup because he’s a ‘boss’ and he owns his own home, is more romantic than I can handle, is completely reliable, almost too reliable…

All those things I said I wanted – I have them all in my hands right now. On paper, he’s the perfect guy. In reality, it’s either not what I really want, or it is completely the wrong time. I can’t help but think at any other point in my life, I would be completely bowled over by this white knight I have in front of me. Right now, it’s too much. I can’t handle it. I’m not bothered enough by him, and my heart is still very, very broken. He’s gently kissing the pain away of course, but it’s not the right time. It’s not what I want RIGHT NOW.

I don’t even know what I want, that’s the dumbest thing. I don’t want to be alone, because I hate being single. But I don’t want a full-time boyfriend either. We’ve been together about five months now, and he’s well on his way to being in a pretty serious relationship, while I’m still thinking we’re counting dates.

In fact, I do know what I want. I’m just not allowed to say it…

Am I?