34 Tomorrow, Eh?

Two years ago today. Fuck. It’s that time of year again. It’s My Mr. Grey’s birthday tomorrow. I remember what we were doing two years ago today.

Fuck I miss that. 

That would explain why he has been messaging me a lot recently. Things have gotten a little saucy between us recently. He’s been paying me plenty of compliments, and I’ve been lapping them up. Isn’t that how it works between us? Isn’t that the game we play? He puts me on the highest pedestal that he possibly can, and I find it ridiculously impossible to be the perfect girl that he’s always wanted, yet we still have a night or two of utter … I don’t even know the right word. Pick one. Pleasure. Pain. Torture. Excitement. Hardcore. I don’t know. Pick your favourite.

He’s My Mr. Grey for a reason.

I’m having a really hard time trying to compose my thoughts to write this, so I apologise if everything seems a bit scattered. Every time my fingers start to tap, my mind trails off in all sorts of directions, none of which I can seem to keep still for long enough to write about. It’s driving me crazy. He’s driving me crazy. He’s not even here and it’s happening.

I messaged him. I probably shouldn’t have done that.

“34 tomorrow, eh? I remember exactly what we were doing two years ago today.”

I don’t even know why I said that. What I’ve just done right there is invite him to talk about it. And we all know what talking leads to, don’t we? Talking leads to sexting, and sexting leads to photos, and photos lead to videos and phone calls and in the end, he’ll come back down to my end of the country, and we’ll fuck. We’ll fuck and that will destroy everything I have going with Jock. All because I had that urgency to text him. A simple ‘Happy Birthday!’ tomorrow wouldn’t have done?

Well done.

Why do I always do this to myself? Why does he always do this to me? He knows what happens when he starts messaging me. I have no will power when it comes to that guy. No will power at all. It pisses me off. He controls me. That’s what I fucking hate. I let him! In the battle between my head and my heart, my vagina wins every fucking time!?!

He hasn’t really appeared that often in my life with Jock as yet. I have dumbed down the importance of his role in my life to some extent, and I’m not even sure why I did that. Jock would understand, I’m sure of it. If I were to tell him everything about me and My Mr. Grey from start to finish, I’m sure he could say that he has a female friend or two that he would have the same relationship with. I could probably name them too. I wonder how he feels about My Mr. Grey? It’s like battle of the Scots. What a fucking battle it would be.

“Best day ever in all of time” is what My Mr. Grey has just said about that night, two years ago. It was pretty amazing. I read my post about it before writing this to refresh my memory of a night that clearly meant a lot to both of us, and remembering it like that; wow. That guy really blows my mind.

Settling down with Jock would mean cutting My Mr. Grey out of my life. I know that because I my world isn’t big enough for the two of them to both be in it. There would be no more nights of explicit content, and no more fantasies of running away together and living happily ever after. It would be done with. He’d know this. I know this. Do we want this?

I think both of us thought that we’d end up together – My Mr. Grey and I. I think my Mama Bear thought that too. We are kinda awesome for each other in so many ways. It’s gutting to think that it would never happen. It will never happen. I’ve picked my Scot and I’m perfectly happy with my choice.

It’s natural to always wonder ‘what if’ though, right…?