Why Won’t He Have Sex With Me?

I’m in what feels like an all-too-familiar situation right now and I genuinely don’t know what to do about it. The situation? I can’t seem to get my boyfriend to have sex with me. It doesn’t matter how much naughty lingerie I buy and wear for him, or how many hours I spend primping and preening for him, or how much effort I put into our time together, he just won’t put out.

What am I doing wrong here?

This isn’t the first time I’ve had a sex-demand issue in a relationship. Big Love used sex as a form of reward and punishment throughout our relationship, but it became his most-used tool towards the end. I’m starting to notice little similarities between what Big Love did, and what Jock now does — and I’m honestly not very happy about it.

Why won’t he have sex with me?

The last three times I’ve seen Jock, sex has been well and truly on my mind, but there’s always been something putting a dampener on things. We had a fight the first time, but I hold my hands up and admit that one was my fault. But I don’t really know what went wrong with the other attempts. Something, everything, nothing? Who knows?

I’ve experienced some recent rapid weight loss and I’m starting to feel a bit more confident than I did. I’ve started wearing more pretty dresses as a result. The last time we went out together I wore the cutest black and white dress with a cutout section. I looked freaking adorable in it. Even I thought that — and I never think I look good in anything. Because I felt good, I put some cute underwear on for Jock to enjoy when the dress came off. A balconette bra that shoved my breasts right up into the cutout section of the dress, not in an NSFW way, but in a have-a-peek, sexy way. And I wore matching pants, too. Satin-soft french pants with a lace frill. They’re my favourite.

Feeling a million bucks, I ran out the door to my waiting boyfriend … who looked a right state.

“You’re getting showered and changed before we go out, right?” I asked.

“Yes, of course. I’ve just finished work,” he replied.

Happy in the knowledge that my boyfriend would soon straighten himself out and look half-way presentable (not that he ever really didn’t to me), we set off. The first stop: a petrol station.

“That’ll be £45 please, mate. Is that your girlfriend? Mate, how did you get her?”

That’s what the chap behind the counter said to my boyfriend when we went to pay. Word for word. Because I know what Jock and I might look like together sometimes, I make a point of making it obvious that he’s not my dad. My arm in his, a quick kiss, some intimate arm-touching, that kind of thing. I find it saves the embarrassment of actually being asked: “Is that your daughter?”

But when the server said that, I was mortified. Who says that? TO OUR FACES?! I’m not really sure how Jock managed to keep his fists to himself, but he simply took it on the chin, laughed, and said something along the lines of: “I’ve got a dick like a baby’s arm, mate.”

I mean, I know it’s not true, but we don’t need to tell the server guy that, do we? Plus, I’d have gone along with anything Jock said at that moment. I was still in utter disbelief that some dude we’d never met would have the audacity to say that … out loud.

But as we made our way back to his to finally get him cleaned up and ready, I wondered. I didn’t want to wonder, but my mind just did. What do people think when they see us together? Should we be together? What am I getting out of this relationship? Do we have a future? Is this what I want?

I have a lot of things going around and around in circles in my head right now. I’ve got family shit going on, I’m about to turn 28 and want to start thinking about an actual future, and it feels like everything is going a bit tits up around me. It feels like I can’t talk to Jock about the thing things in my life right now. He doesn’t have time, is never around, so-on and so-forth. But I want to talk to him. I want to ask him if we have a serious future. Does he want kids? What does he think about me diving into my writing career? What about the next step: moving in? Are we going to talk about that at some point?

Whenever I try to bring up a serious topic of conversation with him, he turns it all into some big joke. It’s like I’m having a conversation with a child that’s completely incapable of having a mature talk about anything. I want to talk about how my mind is changing, slowly but surely, about having kids … but how can I do that when he’s acting like a big kid himself?

I don’t want things to change overnight. I don’t want all of those things overnight. I just want to know that we’re going somewhere. I want to know if he’s evolving like me and our relationship is. Is that too much to ask for? To see if he’s on the same page?

I’m not really sure where we’ve left it. He wanted to stay at mine but I could think of nothing worse than still being in his company. I’ve got Shark Week coming up, and we all know how bratty and moody I get then. There’s no way we won’t fight.

I guess we’ll see what happens. I kinda feel like I’m in limbo right now.