What Happened to Plan B?

I realised something. I never told you the story of what happened to Plan B – that psychologist dude, what with The Director and my Twirtation and all. Long story short, he fizzled out.

Short story long… 

I’m pretty sure he’s gay. Or at the very least bisexual. I know it’s INCREDIBLY stereotypical of me to talk about this guy in the way I’m just about to but please bear with me. I promise I have a point here.

We sent each other a few selfies over the course of our flirtation. I say we, he’s the only one who sent selfies. He didn’t get a single selfie from me. I didn’t send him a single photo.  Me, self-proclaimed Selfie Queen, didn’t send a single selfie. He sent me plenty though and every single one of them had a filter.

“This is my right-now face!”

Fuck off. No it’s not. Your right-now face doesn’t have a lovely shade of Clarendon*

*That’s the name of an Instagram filter. 

The constant stream of selfies continued, each with an Instagram filter, each with the most ridiculous pout I’ve ever seen. Duck face? No, it’s a ridiculous face. It’s a ridiculous face when I do it so it’s even more ridiculous when you do it – YOU’RE A FUCKING DUDE!

This guy clearly loves himself. Not even a little bit. A lot. Alarm bells are ringing. I like a man who takes care of himself a bit but this is taking the piss.

He was hairless at the time we were talking. “Bald” I said. “Shaved” he said. Whatever. He sent me photos of himself a couple of years ago when he did have hair…

What the fuck. 

I had to share them with Bestie immediately. I couldn’t help myself. It was ridiculous. I’m so sorry to any gay folks who I’m massively stereotyping right now but he’s got to be gay. I know a few gay men and they all have the same qualities. At least four I can mention right off the bat tend to wear the same kind of jeans, t-shirts, necklaces, hats… If I were to invite all four of them to an event, they’d probably dress exactly the same way. Do you know what I mean?

Well, this guy was an exact carbon carbon of those four gay guys. And they are gay too – none of this bisexual business. They are gay. G.A.Y. And fucking fabulous, I must point out. I fucking adore them.

But everything from his clothes in all four of the photos he sent me, to the fact that he was VERY CLEARLY in a gay club in at least one of them, everything screamed with the kinda pink camp-ness Elton John would have been proud of. There was a guy pulling his shirt open to reveal his nipples whilst looking at Plan B longingly at one stage. That’s a drunken one night stand in progress my friend. That’s too gay for me that’s for sure. What the fuck is happening here?

My interest him fizzled right there and then with those photos. We tried to keep the conversation flowing but it wasn’t long before one day of not talking soon turned into four weeks of not talking. There’s no way you can really recover from that.

I told him I was sorry for not getting back to him and that things had been a little nuts my end. I also told him that I didn’t really feel dating was a good idea with some health scares I had going on. Y’know – it’s not the right time for me, you’re a really nice guy, thanks for the opportunity but no thanks. That’s kinda where it was left. We had a few days of “Hi, how you doing?” but things have fizzled and it’s been a while now. I can no longer see his ‘Last Online’ so I’m assuming I’m no longer a contact in his phone. I don’t blame him. I wasn’t really that interested from the start.

I didn’t get it though. Was this guy Gay? Bisexual? Just the campest straight man I’ve ever not met? I can tell you this – when I feel like the butch one in the relationship, you know you’ve got yourself a problem. He’s the kinda guy who would run from spiders, not catch them in a glass and throw them outside like Bestie does. That’s a trait I expect from a man. If you can’t save me from spiders and bees or wasps, you’re not going to last long. Deal breaker.

Jeez. Just when I think I’ve seen it all I go and get myself chatted up by what clearly appears to be a very gay man.

That’s what happened to Plan B!