The Lying, Drug-Taking, Strapped-For-Cash Twat.

I was looking back through my Facebook today because two years ago, I was getting ready to go to my party dressed as Barbie. Four years ago Big Love and I were all loved up. Here we go again. Sigh.

I’m having the shittiest week. I decided to book a week off for my birthday. Not only am I poor because I didn’t get paid right AGAIN, but my landlord has dropped the biggest of bombshells on me. I need to vacate my room for one day for a surveyor to come round. It’s a long and complicated story but the long and short of it is this – I need to have all my stuff hidden from my room on Thursday for about an hour. I can put it all back together afterwards and I’ll get a week’s free rent.

This means that I can’t go away on the trip I had planned because I need to pack up all my stuff. And I have a lot of stuff. On top of that, my actual birthday will be spent putting my room back together again. This just feels like the end go the world to me. I’m very particular about my stuff. The thought of packing EVERYTHING away for a couple of hours and then rearranging it all again just feels like the biggest deal in the world. Plus it’s my birthday. What the fuck?

It’s a good job I have a week off, put it that way. It’s also a good job that I haven’t had the misfortune of bumping into the landlord yet. He’s gonna get the nasty end of my tongue, that’s for sure.

On top of that – the being skint and having a twat of a landlord stuff, I’m also sick. I’ve had a nasty old-woman cough that I’ve had for a few weeks, that followed the shitty cold that left me bedridden. And the hay fever I think I’ve caught for the first time in my life. Ever.

I’m just in a shitty place right now. I’m having a tough week and it’s going to get a lot more stressful yet. Blurgh.

On top of all of that, the biggest piece of gossip was dropped on me by my Bestie on the other side of the world.

“Talking to Mrs. N haha! She says hi and that you look really good. She was Facebook creeping you! Talking about Big Love and he says he’s moving to Texas for work but it’s all lies. And now he’s in-between gf’s too… He hasn’t changed at all. He’s still renting. He’s still in so much debt. He’s still lying about everything…”

I do love my Bestie on the other side of the world sometimes. She’s brings me only the very best gossip. Bless her. That’s what she said to me last night. He hasn’t changed a bit. That’s exactly the guy I left. The lying, drug-taking, strapped for cash twat. Wow. Didn’t I make the best decision in the world leaving him lol.

Of course, there’s a part of my heart that still goes out to him. As much as it’s very clear I won this breakup war (and there’s always a breakup war) I had genuinely assumed life would have gone really good for him after I was gone. I thought he’d prove that point. It seems he’s still falling apart. And no one would know this better than the wife of his best friend. She hated me back then because of him. Hopefully now she can see that it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t all me like he had said. Bitch.

It puzzles me how he finds himself in these situations. He’s a good looking guy. Or he was when I dated him anyway. He’s pretty funny. He’s really good in bed. And he’s got charm! Where is he going wrong? He has all of the components to be a world class man and instead, he’s just a douschebag. What’s going wrong?

It’s a shame really because with me looking like me now, and him looking like him then, we would have made one hot looking couple. Not that I’m saying for one second that I wish we were still together. No, no. That’s now what I mean at all. I’m just doing that ‘What if…’ thing that we all do. What if we were still together? Would he have still been that lying, drug-taking twat? Everyone said I was good for him and I balanced him. His family said that, and so did his friends. Not towards the end of course; towards the end I was the bitch to everyone.

As I look back throughout the years on Facebook, all I can do is sigh. I don’t miss him anymore. I don’t really remember what he looks like. He doesn’t look like the guy I knew back then now anyway. He’s not the same guy. He’s more bitter and less lucky with the ladies. He’s not had a successful relationship since me really. That’s what I’ve been told anyway.

Part of me still wonders if, after all this time, he might still get back in touch. What would I do if he did? I know his pride is the most important thing to him so maybe it won’t ever happen. His pride and his ego. He’d need to admit he was wrong if he ever got in touch. I can’t see that happening. Or can I?

Would I want him to get in touch? As much as I’d love to hear that he was wrong and I WAS the best thing he ever had, would I be able to handle it? It’s taken me two long years, a lot of tears, and a few more men to get over him. Would I really be OK if he did pop back into my life? Would I be able to handle myself in that situation? Could I say no to him and mean it? Or would part of me wonder ‘What if?’. My Bestie on the other side of the world said something interesting to me, and it did make me think – “I’m surprised he’s not got back in touch yet!”

I love my Beautiful Tattooed Jock to the ends of the earth and back so I know full well I’d never want to let him slide through my fingers, but if Big Love came back into my life unexpectedly with the big romantic gesture I’d dreamed of for so long before, would I have the strength to hold my own and say no to him? Could I do that to his face? It was hard enough saying goodbye the first time…

Let’s just hope it doesn’t happen eh?