With the whole getting-outed thing going on recently, I started thinking about what might happen if a partner or lover read some of the content that I’ve written about them. Would they want to read it? Would you want to know your sexual review?
Let’s imagine for a moment that you can see someone’s review of you, the morning after you’ve slept with them. You can see how they rated you, whether or not they’d want to see you again, and all the things they found weird or bizarre.
I feel like, on one hand, it would be super helpful…
But on the other, how would I cope with painful-to-read criticism?
Let’s look at some of the pros first.
Sexual Review: Pros
I think it would be easier to write something down than say it face-to-face, so having a read of your sexual review would be more honest than a sit-down conversation, right? Maybe you’d have better conversations about sex afterwards (if you survived the criticism, obvs,) or actually have a proper chat about for the first time.
It would certainly clear things up, especially for overthinkers… though, not always in a good way. I’m a chronic overthinker, so it’s super common for me to sit down and replay an interaction in my head afterwards, and definitely when it comes to all things sex.
Why did he pull that face?
Was that noise a good one… or a bad one?
Does he actually like my body?
I could go on, but you get the idea, I’m sure.
Reading my sexual review would definitely answer those questions, but they might not always be the answers I’m looking for.
A positive review would feel great, wouldn’t it? It would be a dopamine boost and a half, and it would certainly make me feel a truckload more confident. Perhaps it would make me feel desired, or maybe even appreciated?
But what if the review wasn’t positive?
Sexual Review: Cons
Nobody likes getting criticised, and definitely when it comes to sexual behaviour or activity. The sting of past critiques has stuck with me for years, sometimes decades, and it can quietly gnaw away at your confidence until you never want to do that particular thing again. I put my all into sex (when I like the person,) so to hear or read that it wasn’t good enough, would be quite difficult to take.
What if a negative review made me feel anxious, inadequate, or somehow less-than-perfect? It’s just one review. One person. One lover. But that negative review would probably outweigh one hundred positive ones for me. I know myself enough to know that that would be the case.
Plus, not everyone wants to know such details. Not me; I’d read every word. As much as I’d like to think I wouldn’t, I would most definitely read the anonymous dating and ex blog if my lover had one. No two ways about it. I’d probably lie about finding and/or reading it, too.
What happens if I think it was a great night, with lots of great sex, but they think the night was a total bust, never to be repeated again? It would ruin any magical post-coital glow I might have. It would probably ruin the relationship, too.
How could I stay in a relationship with someone who thinks I’m bad in bed?
I don’t know, friends… it feels like a minefield to me.
I do know one thing for sure: I need to be more obtuse with my details… and less damn Googleable.
The next blog post in the dating timeline is this one: Composed Enough.
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
Want to read all about the One Ball story from the start? You’ll find that right here.
You can also read all about my disastrous dating history, right from the beginning, right here: Table of Dating Contents.
Alternatively, why not have a little peek around here:
Only if it was good! Haha, it depends who it’s coming from too I think. If you get a bad review from someone you also thought was shit in bed then it wouldn’t hurt as much because you can ascribe it to incompatibility, but if it was from someone you really cared about and who you thought you had some amazing connection and experience with then I would be so devastated
This post really hits home for me. I recently started a sex blog, and I am trying as much as possible to keep it anonymous. My boyfriend and I came up with the idea together, so it’s not something I can keep away from him. I’m worried this might affect my writing, and I’ve asked him not to read my posts so far. It’s definitely a sticky situation. To address your question, I would never want to know my sexual review; I wouldn’t want to risk hurting my confidence in bed. Interesting topic!
Yeah…. It’s probably safer not to know. Ignorance is bliss as they say!
I’d always take constructive criticism. If I’m better in bed, that’s going to work out as more pleasurable for me, right?
I wouldn’t want anyone to read a review I’d written of them because whilst learning your areas for improvement might be a good idea, my blog is written for a different audience. I might write X was a really shit kisser, but if I’m with X, and I’m kissing X, it’s obviously not quite so simple. I must believe X has the potential to be at least a pleasurable kisser otherwise I wouldn’t be kissing him again. I wouldn’t say ‘hey X, you’re a shit kisser,’ I’d have a job of careful guidance to improve the situation.
I squirt, ‘bite, scratch, moan, groan, grunt, writhe, wriggle, etc. I deep-throat, I gag, I spit, I nibble, I pay attention to the balls, I swallow’ too.
Glad it’s not just me. I don’t know how I would take that kind of “constructive criticism” though…. Surely we all think that we are good in bed already? It just makes me think – I can’t be the only person that thinks these bad things about these guys in bed, right? There must be other women out there that has said “Oh he is a bad kisser” or “He has no rhythm in bed”… How come these girls have never told him/them this either? Why does every guy THINK he is good in bed???
Hmmm….I think I would want to know, but then if it were bad Id never want to sleep with the person again for sure because Id be embarrassed that they didnt like it. Not everyone is a good match in bed. There have been times I thought a guy was fantastic and a girlfriend didnt think he was so good in bed, or she thought he was all that and I thought he sucked. I think out of curiosity Id read it and try not to tale it personally but it would be hard. Id love to read a positive review though!
Oh totally! Everyone has different tastes, right? However… Those guys that are REALLY bad in bed – someone should probably tell them they are REALLY bad in bed to prevent other women having the same fate! I just don’t want to be THAT girl lol!
I’d LOVE LOVE LOVE to read a good review. That would make me smile 😉
OOOH I would hate the guys I know to read my blog… or my offspring or my parents. Although I have shared with quite a few friends to be honest. I feel quite differently about “good in bed” cos to me I think you can be rubbish with one guy and amazing with another (and same for them) it’s as much about chemistry for me 🙂 x
That’s a very good point! I liked that! I guess it’s more the connection than whether or not you are good or bad.
I’d be so embarrassed if anyone ever read my blog. Brutally embarrassed. It’s bad enough admitting to myself how confusing my love and sex life has become, without having to deal with the people I know seeing it all as well! Let’s just say I won’t be revealing myself any time soon hahaha! 🙂
Great post! Ignorance is bliss for me lol! Just like I hate and actively avoid overhearing private conversations between people I know, I would not want to hear the brutal truth about what I’m like the sack that’s not meant for my ears/eyes. If someone wants to talk to me in private about my technique I think that’s fine, welcome even. Who doesn’t want to improve right?! But yeah the ol sexuality is such a delicate topic that it can take a lot of getting over when someone is openly and publicly and brutally critical of your sex.
You obviously protect the names of the people, but there is the phenomenon of the “Root Rater” facebook pages where people name and review their sexual encounters for all to know, particularly in high schools. This, I think is pretty bad. I’m all for bringing sexuality out into the open, through sharing and sex positive educating, sex should not be hidden or taboo. But these kinds of ‘naming and shaming’ sites are pretty destructive.
All I can say is I am damn glad I was out of high school before Social networking and smartphones! And as the commenter above stated it’s all subjective, it’s all about chemistry. Some girls have told me I’ve made them feel incredible and others I’ve totally flopped with. I don’t think I’m incredible or a flop, it all depends on the interaction 🙂
Oh me too! I’d hate to be a youngun in the social networking world! It’s bad enough now, and we’re meant to be grown-ups! That site that you mentioned is disgusting. I know I can’t really talk, but I keep it anonymous for a reason. I make damn sure that no one finds this, or knows that I wrote it. I could never publicly and honestly give someone a good OR bad named review, especially not on some website. I would be distraught if someone were to put me on those websites as well.
Thanks so much for your comment! Xoxox
No, I don’t suppose I would really… But I sound a bit like you in bed as I put my all into it and certainly don’t just lie there – hate giving BJs though. The strange this was, when I went off one of my long-term boyfriends and couldn’t bring myself to break up with him, I couldn’t have intercourse with him any more but COULD give him BJs – I think it was just less personal and didn’t really involve me the same.
Does he know you call him ‘One Ball’? 😉
Hahaha! No he has a “real” name away from the blog!
The Guy I couldn’t get rid of – the last guy before One Ball, was very sexual towards the end but I couldn’t bring myself to touch him, which is how I knew it was over. I found myself making excuses. Thankfully, at the time, my “monthlies” were all over the place so I could use that as a reason for the most part. He stayed over a few times and I hated it when he touched me, which is how I knew it was definitely over. I was also like that with The Lapdog, the guy before him, except for when he wasn’t available to me of course. When he got himself a new girlfriend, I just wanted him even more. It’s strange how that works out, hey?