(Not) A Problematic Thing

Jock and I have had the grand total of four sleepovers. I was on my period for one of them, so we didn’t have PIV sex. We played around and did other ‘stuff,’ of course. On the three other occasions we did fuck (as you’ll have probably read) and I noticed something that’s never really happened to me before. Not a problematic thing… but a thing, nevertheless.

Jock didn’t always ‘pop up’ on demand, if you catch my drift. (Yes, I’m talking about erectile dysfunction.) Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a problematic thing. It hasn’t exactly hindered us. I’ve had no problems with it, as such… until today. Last night, actually. And still, it wasn’t a problem.

Allow me to explain. (This is a safe space, right?)

There were a few times in our previous fucks that I thought things weren’t as stiff as they should be, but the ‘issue’ passed almost as quickly as it arrived, so I didn’t really think too much of it. Last night, though, it took Jock a while to get an erection. The rest of him was super enthusiastic and eager, as was I… but his dick was still asleep. We both ignored/bypassed the issue and continued with some heavy petting, and eventually, he rose to the occasion.

We started having PIV sex, and everything was fine… for a while. Before long, though, and once again, he lost the wind in his sails. The ol’ erectile dysfunction hit again. Just like before, we ignored and/or bypassed the issue, moving on to something else (him kissing all over my body.) In all honesty, Jock dealt with it in exactly the perfect way: not making a big deal of it, making use of other types of sex, and coming back to PIV sex once the ‘issue’ had been resolved.

See: it’s an ‘issue,’ but it doesn’t need to be an actual issue, you know?

I’m only human, though.

Jock is a drinker, a smoker, and a little… well, overweight – in the cute, almost Dad bod way. I like mine a little chunky. Stocky. Protective. Blah blah blah. Chances are, his erectile dysfunction is down to him and his lifestyle rather than me and my technique, looks, and/or personality. I know that. I keep telling myself that.

But my ego has been ever so slightly dented…

And now, I’m questioning us.

Thinking about this long term can I deal with a slightly smaller penis size than I’m used to and a touch of erectile dysfunction? I say that because of my experiences with Big Love. When BL was coked up to the eyeballs and/or drowning in Jack n’ Coke, he often ran into difficulties – not getting hard (rarely,) not being able to come (often,) coming too soon, not going soft… Big Love’s dick had more mood swings than I did, but I guess that’s drug addiction.

It was a TIME, I tell ya.

But this, it’s different. Jock’s ED doesn’t just pop up when he’s been drinking; it’s a thing that happens little and often. Do we need to talk about it? Should we talk about it? Or do we just ignore the deflated elephant in the room and deflect to kissing every time he goes soft?

I try not to focus on it. Deflection and doing something else have worked for us so far, and outside, I’m as cool as a cucumber about it all. Afterwards, though, and now? Well, I want him to be ravenous for me… not just a bit peckish, you know?

(I know, I know: his issues probably aren’t a reflection of me.)

I’ve spent a long time rebuilding my confidence after having literally none for so long, and as selfish as it might sound, I don’t want that to wane, bit by bit, over time, for however long we last together, all because he can’t always get hard on demand. It’s not a knock right now, but what if becomes a knock later on? Repeated knocks are bound to have some effect on me/him/us, right?

But… it’s not a problematic thing.

Jock is a fabulous lover – great kisser, great hands, great techniques. He touches me in all the ways I want to be touched, all without me having to say a word. He’s respectful, passionate, erotic, rough and tumble, loving, and all the other things I want in a man. More than that, though… aren’t we more than just sex? We’re sex plus something. That sza sza szu, as Carrie Bradshaw put it, mixed with some real deep feelings. I think?

Let’s see how things go with Jock and his occasionally limp dick. He makes me come, so what’s the problem? What’s a not problematic bout of erectile dysfunction between great lovers?

The next blog post in the dating timeline is this one: How to Make Him Love You in 34 Days.