“It looks like he’s moved on …”

“It looks like he’s moved on …”

Why would she tell me that? She knew I’d DELIBERATELY not stalked him. She knew he was blocked everywhere. Why would she say those words to me? Casually too, dropping them into conversation. I wondered why she’d rang just to “have a chat”. I love her, the mate who dropped that bombshell this morning, but sometimes she needs a fucking slap.

She’s been stalking I guess. She’s had a been in her bonnet about Brown Eyes for a while – she thinks he cheated / had another woman on the scene. She’s the only person who really knew about us, knew about our ups and downs, saw our conversations. I’d sent her enough screengrabs of them. She’s THAT girl, you know? We talk about poo and boys and everything. She didn’t understand how a man could go from being so into me, he didn’t want to let me go for five minutes, to just digitally removing me from his life without a second thought. The only thing that makes sense in her mind is that I wasn’t the only woman in his life, and the other / some other woman won the battle. It’s really hard to explain ‘sociopath / narcissist’ to someone without coming back to the blog … If I could show her some of the comments people had left, she might get it but I can’t because she doesn’t know about the blog. Or she does but she doesn’t read it. I’m hardly going to bring it to her attention.

But I told her I didn’t want to know about him. I didn’t want to know about future women he might date. I knew it would happen eventually but that didn’t mean I’d need to go looking for it. And I was right for making that decision too. As soon as I got off the phone to her, I cried. It really hurt, hearing that information. I wish she hadn’t told me. Ignorance really is bliss and as far as he’s concerned, ignoring the fact he ever existed seemed to be the best way to proceed.

As soon as she said those five little words, I stopped her. I don’t care. I don’t want to know what he’s posted or how publicly he’s doing it. Stop it. Stop telling me this shit. She was the one who told me Jock had found someone else. Then that he was engaged. It gave me closure admittedly but she knows how fragile I am about my current breakup situation. I’m holding it together but only just. Maybe she thought it would help me move on?

It proves everyone’s point once again though doesn’t it? I wasn’t as important to him as he was to me. And what makes it worse is now I WANT to go looking for whatever triggered her ‘other woman’ alarm bells so loudly, she felt the need to ring me and tell me all about it. She must have wanted to prove a point to go against my wishes and tell me stuff I specifically said I didn’t want to know about. I haven’t and I won’t go looking. I can’t. I still haven’t got that photo of Jock and his new BAE out of my head. That first ever image I saw of them is permanently embedded in my brain. Why would I want to put myself through that a second time around? I’m dumb but I’m not that dumb. I need to have learned something throughout all the years of making up and breaking up.

So I did that thing I do when I get upset about stuff and I try not to be. I worked. I worked and kept myself busy and when I couldn’t work anymore, I decided to move around the furniture in random rooms of my house. In the process, I made a mess which then took me hours to clean up. I needed to do anything, something, whatever it takes to get this, him out of my head. If I stop to think about him for more than a split second, it’s going to hurt my heart again and he’s done enough of that already. I’m already forgotten about. And from the sounds of it, she was right, that smug friend who I want to slap. There was another woman. Or there is. I wonder if they’ve already had their first fight yet? I wonder if she’ll put up with his bullshit? I wonder if he’s made her climax as hard as he once made me? Probably.

I can’t believe I was so easily replaced. I went on a first date with someone else and Brown Eyes was all I could think about but apparently he’s already happily re-coupled. Yet I didn’t love him enough? If only he knew.

I really need to stop writing [thinking] about this guy.