Irrationally Angry.

I woke up irrationally angry today. Well, I didn’t actually wake up irrationally angry. Jock made me irrationally angry. He STILL hasn’t tried to contact me. He STILL doesn’t know that I might have cancer. And then, when I stalked his Facebook page and see that he’d re-friended that Ex that he promised me he would NEVER friend on there again, I saw red.

I deleted his number. I blocked him on Facebook. I’m done. To be fair, I did tell him if he ever friended her again, that would be us done. To be fair, we weren’t even friends on Facebook and from the lack of conversation on his part, I would imagine we’re over… Proper over. Again.

In fact no, we are over. I’m making that decision right here and right now. He hasn’t bothered his fucking ass to call me after FIVE FUCKING DAYS to find out whether or not the surgeon found CANCER!!! And again, his Ex is more important than me. Keeping her sweet. Making sure she’s happy. She won. She won the fucking fight. She can have him. I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I might have cancer and he isn’t there to hold my hand. He’s holding hers. Keeping her sweet. I feel crushed. Maybe my potential cancer isn’t as glamorous as hers was.

He makes me feel so stupid. Here I am getting carried away with thoughts of marriage, kids and that fucking happy-ever-after and him… well, I was just a bump in the road for him. Looking back now, I don’t think he ever had any intentions of having that happy-ever-after with me. He was never on time for me. I never got all of him. I never knew what he was thinking or feeling. I didn’t know; I never knew if we were both heading for everything I was dreaming of. I thought he was right there with me but he never was. He always picked someone else over me. Not just the ex – this isn’t just about the ex. It’s everything – everything was more important than I was. The car, his friends, The Redneck, the dogs, the kid, the ex, work, everything. Everything was more important than I was. I would have been ready and willing to drop everything at a moment’s notice for him and I did, on plenty of occasions. More than I think he actually realised. I would have rearranged anything and everything to make time for him in my life.

I think he got that new job. The one that I applied for on his behalf. The one that I sorted out. Because, you know – I would have done everything for him. He got a parking ticket (yep – another one) the other day and I actually went online this morning to pay it for him because I knew he would be skint so close to christmas. After I saw the Ex thing on Facebook, I deleted the photos of the parking ticket from my phone. I needed those to pay them for him. He can fuck himself now. Prick.

I did EVERYTHING for that guy. I cleaned his trailer, I helped to paint his trailer and bought him new nik-naks and homely stuff to make it look pretty. I cooked for him, cleaned after him, waited hour after hour for him to finish at work, play with a new car, hang out with The Redneck. I paid his phone bill for him, helped to sort out the TV at home for him, planned to quit my job to accommodate him and his babies in my life. I paid off my debts (well started to) and tried to get things in order for a life ahead of us. What more could I possibly have done? For fucks sake, I left it a year and a half before I flipped out about the Ex. I didn’t pressure him at all. I just kicked his ass like he ASKED me to about the things he asked me to!!! What more could I have fucking done for him? Where the fuck did I go wrong?!

It doesn’t matter. It’s done now. We can’t communicate with each other anymore. I don’t have his number and I’ve blocked him on all social sites and messaging apps I can think of. Just like ripping off a band aid, right? Just do it – cut him out. Delete all traces of him from my life. Delete conversations, remove numbers, make sure there are no photos around to remind me of him… That’s what I’ve done. I took down the frames and remove his photos from those too. I’m one of those girls. Everything around me from the shoe he made me for Christmas last year to the photo of us at The Redneck’s party simply breaks my heart in two. This was a guy I had imagined my entire future with. A guy that I would have done anything for. And somehow, somewhere it went totally and utterly wrong yet again. Was I too demanding? Did I ask too much? Did I back him into too much of a corner that we couldn’t pull it back? How did we go from laughing and fucking just a week or so ago to now… Not talking, not messaging, hating on each other? Well, I’m hating on him and from the lack of response on his side, it would seem the same probably applies for him too.

I reckon they’ll get back together you know – the Ex and Jock. I can totally see that happening. She’s never going to let him move on. It wouldn’t matter if it were me or a thousand other women. She’s never going to let go. He won’t ever see it either. He won’t ever see that his stupidity and ignorance plus her blind spite go hand in hand to ruin everything he’ll ever have with anyone else before it even starts to get serious. She tried her hardest to push me out from day one and she succeeded and I’m a determined little fucker. His future girlfriends don’t stand a chance. I don’t even know why I’m bothered. It’s not like it’s going to be me.

No. I’m going to be sat in from of my laptop like I always am, crying into the keys as I tap away at them. Listening to songs that remind me of him, silent tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. It’s torture this breakup business and I’ve not helped myself, running back time and time again to yet another man that doesn’t deserve for me to dwell not things any longer than he clearly did.

I’m so miserable right now.