So, where we at? Oh yes, Iโd just admitted I made that whopper of a mistake for what feels like the bazillonth time. But why? Well, because I think there are some similarities between him (BE) and Bear (my new BAE). I also think I need to talk about them. But where to start?
Bear: Iโm going to tattoo myself tonight I think.ย
The moment I got that text, I called him. Call it female intuition or gut instinct, I donโt know, but I read far too much into what should have been a simple text message. Nothing before it, nothing after it, nothing to suggest it meant anything other than what it was. But there WAS something about it. I could feel it. Sense it, if you like? A little alarm bell started ringing deep inside me somewhere. I picked up the phone and called him.
โWhat are you going to tattoo on you?!โย
No hello, no hi, no small talk – letโs get right to the heart of the matter here.
โWell โฆ I had such a great time on our first date, and I donโt want you to think itโs a tattoo for you as such, but I thought Iโd get a little momento of the day.โย
You have got to be fucking kidding me. Seriously? Fuck. Shit. Cunt. Bugger. Fuuuuuuuck. Why does this keep happening to me? I know I said I like boys with tattoos, but this is taking the piss. In case you werenโt aware, this is the third time this has happened to me. THE THIRD TIME! Jock got a tattoo after our third date. BE got a tattoo after our first date. And now Bearโs doing the exact same thing. You couldnโt make this shit up.
He went on to tell me all about the tattoo heโd designed and was going to ink on himself. It was a bug with a leaf and some other stuff. Nothing to worry about, right?
Wrong.ย
I have a bug tattoo on my leg. I have some other stuff on my leg too, but I have a bug on my leg, and that bug is like a โthingโ of mine. I have bug-bags, bug-earrings, a bug-related nickname โฆ Iโm that particular Bug-Queen. The tattoo that Bear had just described to me was that bug. It was also basically exactly the same as the tattoo that BE had designed and inked a few months ago โฆ After our first date. For me. Not quite the same, but close enough to freak me the fuck out. Soย thatโs just what I did.
I decided to come clean to Bear about BE. I like Bear and I donโt want him to go anywhere, plus I need to make some special allowances because Bear isnโt just one person. I have Good Bear and Bad Bear to worry about. I donโt want to do anything to risk โusโ, whatever โusโ is right now, so I told him everything. Everything except time frames obviously. He doesnโt need to know that BE wasnโt actually that long ago. (Right?)
I told him the whole story. I cried as I told him too. I told him that I was worried that we would bump into BE seeing as they didnโt actually live that far apart, and that although I definitely didnโt want him in my life now, he did hurt me and I was still getting over that a bit. I voiced my concerns over BEโs power and control, and how he could make even the most illogical things seem completely logical. I probably said too much if Iโm honest, but in true Bear-style, he took it like a champ, offering advice where he could and generally just doing what I wanted him to do – listen.
There are a lot of similarities between BE and Bear, something else I told him during that emotional conversation. The tattoo, for example, and the speed at which Bear is starting to develop real feelings for me. Or so he says. I care for that man, and it would be weird nowย to go back to a time where he wasnโt in my life. We donโt see each other halfway near as much as we should do, or want to, but we talk a lot. We havenโt slept together yet either โฆ which brings me to the next thing I probably shouldnโt have told him.
โSex complicates things that would otherwise be clean-cut. If some of the people in my past hadnโt been so good in bed, I wouldnโt have given them a second chance, let alone the hundreds of chances I did. I donโt want to sleep with you right away. I want to get to know you first – become friends with you, flirt, send saucy text messages and provocative pictures that show nothing and everything all at once. I want to take my time. I donโt want to fall MADLY in love. Or lust. I want to know all sides of you first.โ
Brave move? Or just a stupid one? But the way I think of it is this – sex gets me into trouble. Iโve been reading back over some of my old blog posts lately, and itโs been quite an eye-opening experience. When I โclickโ with a guy in bed, I lose all sense of โฆ everything. I donโt make good decisions. I make bad decisions at the promise of feeling THAT good in bed afterwards. Or on the couch. Or in the car. I fuck men before any of the bad stuff happens – the fights, and the annoying quirks and foibles (I LOVE that word!), and if heโs really good in bed, it clouds my judgement – I see him through fuck-tinted glasses.
I know Bear has a bad side. He has schizophrenia. I also think heโs going to ruin me in bed which Iโm obviously super excited about. (Weโre not having sex but we do talk about it.) I need to see some of his bad stuff before I put on my fuck-tinted glasses though, otherwise my judgement is always going to be clouded. I donโt want to sleep with him yet. And I told him that. I also told him he would need to go to the clinic and get himself checked out before he came anywhere near me. He thankfully agreed to the lot.
Heโs a very reasonable man for someone so damn unreasonable at the same time, and Iโm just worried. Worried that heโll turn into another version of BE later on, or that heโll fuck me up in the same way BE almost did. I guess Iโm just voicing some concerns early-on, making a note of things that could potentially cause an issue. But the not-sleeping with him yet thing is a good idea, right? Like, thatโs a smart move? I was proud of myself for that little gem. Now all Iโve got to do is stand by my word.
Shouldnโt be too difficult โฆ
(P.S. After I told him about BE’s basically matching tattoo, he agreed it was a dumb-as-fuck idea, and has promised not to get any me-related ink.)
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Thanks so much for reading my blog today! ๐ค
Read all about Bear, the full chapter, right here.ย
If youโre in the market for something a lilโ spicier, why not check out one of my smutty favourites:
