How Do I Close This Fucking Chapter?

I hadn’t thought about him. Brown Eyes. He hadn’t even entered my mind. I was living my life, getting on with it, pretending he didn’t even exist. Because he doesn’t anymore. Does he? He went away, just like I asked, and he kept away too. I haven’t heard from him since the three early morning emails that I ignored. Done. Finished. Over. End of chapter.

Ha. As if. 

It’s not him though. This time it’s me. In fact, it’s not even me. I’m blaming Bear for this one. He’s a very paranoid man. I guess schizophrenia will do that, and every now and again he needs a little reassurance. We are fine, no I’m not cheating, no I’m not ignoring you, no we’re not breaking up, that kind of thing. It’s a little more regularly than I’d like, and perhaps something I need to talk about in greater detail another day, but we’re getting a handle on things. I’m learning how to deal with him and his little paranoid rants. I love him. His paranoia is the only thing I don’t like, and I don’t think it’s bad enough to break us apart. (Yet?)

But he was being weird, Bear, I mean. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but he was accusatory and weird. Apparently I was being weird. I wasn’t. I was just under the weather with a cold, and pre-menstrual. You know what that does to a woman. But he thought I was being weird, and that was making him be weird too. It went on for a couple of days until I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to ask him outright. So I did.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?”

He’d had a dream apparently. In this dream, I had gotten back together with Brown Eyes and it had torn him apart. He couldn’t get it out of his head. He’d tried not to tell me because it was weird and petty, but it got the better of him … schizophrenia and all.

“Why? Have you stalked him?” 

“No, have you?”

“No.”

I reassured him that there was still nothing about Brown Eyes that could ever tear me away from his clutches and that he had absolutely nothing to worry about.

A few days later, I decided to take a peek at his Instagram account. Brown Eyes’ Instagram. For some reason, I didn’t believe that Bear hadn’t stalked him. There must have been something to bring on the weird patch we’d found ourselves in. I shouldn’t have looked. I shouldn’t have fucking looked.

He’d posted something about Netflix and chill, but not having Netflix. Instantly I thought to myself, he’s found someone else. Score. That means he won’t be bugging me anymore, good news all round. I did wonder why he felt the need to publicly declare he’d had sex, which is very much how the Instagram post, and it’s caption, had made it come across, and a part of me thought it might have been for my benefit.

The night he’d put that post up, I’d coincidentally been very phone-quiet because I was working, and I think that’s what might have encouraged this little blip with Bear. I think he saw that post from Brown Eyes, realised I wasn’t contactable, put 2 and 2 together, and came up with 673885. I can’t bring it up though. I can’t admit I’ve stalked him. Just like he can’t admit it either. I think Bear may have a rather unhealthy obsession with this man. I honestly thought this was all done and dusted with.

Well, today Bear was weird again. Just weird – asking odd questions, and generally being a bit needy. Scrap “a bit”, he was being needy as fuck. It was annoying the shit out of me. I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I asked again, same response. I head on over to Brown Eyes’ Instagram … just to check. Yep, he’d updated his Instagram again. A pattern seems to be emerging here.

But this time, the Instagram post got to ME. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but for the first time in months, I felt jealous. I don’t ever get particularly jealous with Bear, and he tattoos women up close and personal. I have no idea where this irrational emotion has come from, about a man I apparently couldn’t give two fucks about. But I’ve still got it – the feelz. I’m jealous. I’m jealous because Brown Eyes referred to a “hot woman” with a big red love heart emoji. And he posted something that felt as though it was related to me – to something we had laughed about a few times, especially at the beginning of our relationship. Cunt.

How? Why? What the fuck? Why? That’s all I keep doing, scratching my head, pacing my room, and asking myself why?? Why am I jealous? Why has this got to me? I can’t stand this man. I thought he made my skin crawl? So why, all of a sudden, am I filled with a green hulk-like jealous rage? I’m furiously typing this. Furiously!

I have so many things to say, I don’t even know where to start. But, how about this:

Three weeks ago, just three fucking weeks ago, this fucking cretin told me these exact words – “I’m not interested in a relationship right now and haven’t been since we split, I’m staying that way … “ He said things like he’d wait for me however long it took, and he’d never stop loving me.

Well, three weeks is a fairly long time I guess. I know I told him to move the fuck on, but seriously? Three weeks on from spewing your love letters in my direction, you’re spewing them in someone else’s? Doesn’t take you long to fall in love, does it?

I know, I know. I shouldn’t give a fuck. I told this guy where to crawl, and that’s just what he did. But there was a part of me back then, when I received that early morning email that made me burst into tears, that doubted everything I’d done. Was I right to ditch BE? Should I believe the words? Was I right to jump straight into a pretty serious and intense relationship with Bear? Was I over BE enough to start something new? He’s popped up regularly throughout the course of my new relationship, and every time I’ve tried to brush him under the carpet, pretend he doesn’t exist, hope he goes away. When he goes away I don’t think about him. He’s not even a factor in my life. I don’t stalk, I don’t think, I don’t go looking. But Bear keeps bringing him up. He keeps popping up, and now I’m feeling something. Hurt? Angry? Jealous? I don’t know? I do know that I did not appreciate learning that he was fucking someone else. I also know that I did not appreciate it when that knowledge was reinforced. I’m jealous. I hold my hands up. I have feelings for that man still, and I don’t know what the fuck to do about it. I don’t think I can brush it under the carpet anymore. I think I need to deal with it. And no, I don’t mean contacting him. I’m not that damn stupid. I know that man is poison. He was never, and will never be, and good for me. In fact, he’ll be exactly the opposite. My head knows that. I just need to get my heart to catch up. That’s all, my poor heart is just taking a little longer.

Apparently, telling yourself that you don’t have feelings for someone doesn’t make those feelings go away. 

But I think I need to have this breakup. I don’t think I had it? I think I skipped it, so determined he wouldn’t bring me down. But it’s fucking shit up now. Now it’s in my head – he’s gotten into my head. And the worst thing of all … my old work colleague thinks that it’s totally made up and entirely for my benefit – to evoke this exact reaction.

“Nah, he’d have posted a selfie of them if it was that big of a deal. I saw the Insta posts. The first thing I thought was that he was announcing he’d just had sex. It’s pathetic really. He’s obviously proud of that, maybe it’s been a while? I don’t think it’s real though. I think he’s bullshitting. Last attempt to get you back.”

So … I need some help. My head knows this fucker is bad news, so how do I get Bear to stop bringing him up? How do I stop this now? How do I get my heart to stop hurting again? Because it is. I gave that man everything I could have given, and all he’s done to me is break my heart. Even now – six months later. My heart hurts from the horrible things he said to me, and for the tears I couldn’t cry when he apologised.

How do I close this fucking chapter?

*For the record, my finger hovered over the “publish” button for about 15 minutes before I actually found the strength to actually press it. I don’t want judgement for still having feelings for that man after what he did to me, but I do need a little help getting through it. So, be nice, okay? 

Photo by Nicole Honeywill / Sincerely Media on Unsplash