Breakups Really Fucking Suck.

I made a promise and I’m sticking to it. But man is it proving difficult already. He’s dumping my shit off tomorrow so I don’t have to see him, yet I’m tidying my stuff up in case he wants to come inside and have a chat. He won’t, of course, he’s been online talking to HER all day and every time I see it, it drives me crazy. The sooner he drops those envelopes off, the sooner I can delete him, and then my head won’t be filled with fifty shades of batshit crazy.

I just can’t believe that’s it. What the fuck happened? What the fucking fuck? I’m sick so I can’t leave the house and all I can do is sit here, get high and blog. Oh and think. Think about all the things that went wrong with Jock and I. All the things I could have done differently, said differently, wanted differently. I was so determined to rush everything. I wanted him to hurry up and sort his shit out so that we could start a family, and I wanted him to get his debts paid off so that we could have a future. He said he wanted those things too. How come he ran away so fast?

The fact that he’s coming over tomorrow is making mer nervous. It’s either gonna go one of two ways. He’s either gonna dump those envelopes off on my door step like I asked him to and I’m going to go out, pick them up, come inside and cry my little heart out. Or he’s going to want to talk. I figured it would probably just be number one. He hasn’t got the balls for the second option. He doesn’t have the balls to face the relationship that HE destroyed and then tried to blame on me. Coward. Plus he has something new to play with, doesn’t he? Her.

I don’t understand how he’s getting butterflies from another girl and I’m alone, crying my eyes out, curled up in bed with my Mac because the stress of it all has rendered me bed-bound? I don’t understand how he was in the wrong yet I’m the one being punished for it? I’m the one crying my eyes out. I’m the one hurting. He’s fine. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s moved on already. That fact he has made perfectly clear. Crystal clear. Ms. S has his attention now. I’ve lost it.

Part of me hopes that he will still come back running. At the same time, I hope this never happens because I’m a mug and I always fall for that shit. It would be nice to know that he still has an ounce of feeling for me but I can’t see it if he has. He’s so cold now. So cold and not at all the man I fell in love with.

Even if he does come running back to me once his little flirtation and the trip up the road to see his ‘mother’ is done with, would I even be able to trust him? The fact that he managed to move onto a new victim so close to our breakup doesn’t exactly say committed boyfriend, does it? Plus I FUCKED someone else. It was meaningless, cheap and easy sex (good sex) but I still fucked someone else. He once said to me that if we ever broke up and I fucked someone else, he would never be able to come back to me knowing that. Could he really have meant that much to me in the first place if I was so willing to jump into the sack with someone else? I can’t be the only girl to have made that mistake though? Surely?

Of course, I know what he’s like. He has too much pride to come back now. Things have been said. Apparently I hurt his feelings too much. Dramatic prick. I didn’t hurt him at all. I just gave him a taste of his own medicine and he didn’t like it. That’s all. And that’s it. It’s over. And I keep talking about it because that’s what girls do.

Breakups really fucking suck.