11 Things Guys Will Never Understand About Periods

1. Opening a tampon wrapper so quietly in a public bathroom (or at his house) it could almost be a military operation, and takes so long, you think she’s opened her guts in there.

2. Trying to find a place to dispose of said tampon wrapper when you realise there is no garbage can in the bathroom. Who doesn’t have a garbage can in their bathroom? In order to get rid of the wrapper, you either need to bundle it up and put it in your pocket to secretly dispose of in the kitchen garbage can later, or wrap it up in so much tissue once again, he thinks you’ve opened your guts in there.

3. Outfit planning is a fucking nightmare. You can’t wear a short skirt in case you have the whole ‘mouse-tail’ trouble – as in your tampon string hanging down. It very rarely happens but is still a constant fear. You can’t wear anything tight and light either, in case you have an accident. White trousers + red blood = complete public humiliation on a level you would not believe. That’s before you even get onto the topic of water retention and how you can only wear specific jeans during Shark Week.

4. Dropping tampons out of your hand/pocket/bag in a public place. Again, utter humiliation on a level you would not believe. Even more so if someone else picks them up and hands them back to you.

5. Periods, although fairly regular for the most part, still come when you least expect it. This means that you can never be completely prepared. Every girl has woken up in a pool of her own blood. Every girl has come on someone obscene without a tampon to hand. Every girl has realised she has run out of tampons when she reaches for the empty box in the bathroom…

6. Having a love for a particular brand of tampon. If a guy comes home with the wrong brand, all hell breaks lose. How are you expected to use the brand of tampons that he has brought home? They don’t have the silky coating on them so they’ll scratch you and hurt when you pop them in. He’d never understand that. The dick.

7. Being obscenely hot. All the time. What guys don’t realise is that a girl’s basal body temperature will go up during Shark Week which means she is a walking hot water bottle. Don’t touch her at night when you’re sharing a bed. Don’t try to cuddle her. Don’t try to snuggle up behind her in the middle of the night. She will want to stab your eyes out.

8. Everything pisses us off. We hate everyone. You are an idiot. My sister is a bitch. Your best friend is an asshole. My boss is a dick. I can’t believe the postman was so late. It’s a good job I wasn’t waiting for that parcel. Have you hidden my other shoe? Oh my god I’m so fat today, look at the state of me! We don’t understand it. Don’t try to understand it. Just accept that it happens.

9. Tampons are expensive. It’s a pain in the ass. I personally don’t understand why I should have to pay for tampons. It’s not like it’s a luxury, is it? It’s a necessity. What would happen if I were so poor, I couldn’t afford tampons? Would it be acceptable for me to leave a trail of red behind me? No, I didn’t think so. Why aren’t tampons available on the NHS? Let’s start a petition!

10. If you’re anything like me, you’ll get so horny on your period that you want to hump anything in sight. It doesn’t matter who they are, or what they do, or even what they look like – if they are in your eyesight when you get the horn during Shark Week, they’ll do. We don’t actually do anything about it, of course. We are far too lady-like for that. Plus that brings on that whole ‘sex on your period’ debate…

11. Wanting to eat your own body weight in chocolate. In fact, I don’t think this just applies to just Shark Week but for the purposes of this list, I’ll include it! 😉