Why Did I Get Soft Ghosted?

August 20, 2024December 24, 2024 notsosexinthecity Ghosting

A reader sent in the following question, so I figured it was the perfect time to answer it: “Why did I get soft ghosted after a few months of talking?”

Soft ghosting, in case you weren’t aware, is a really shitty move that’s seen as less shitty than full-on ghosting. Rather than cutting all communication suddenly, out of nowhere, like with regular ghosting, soft ghosting is a slow fade-out, of sorts.

It sound shitty, right?

Yeah, well, it is.

I’ve been there!

So, let’s answer the question…

Why did I get soft ghosted?

People ghost (soft or regular) other people for a wide range of reasons, and it doesn’t just happen in the dating world. It’s prevalent in employee hiring processes, friendships, relationships, family relations, and more. You can ghost pretty much anyone you come across, in real life or the digital world… and you can get ghosted by them all, too.

Several polls and studies have been done on the subject of ghosting over recent years, and the results are both helpful and interesting. Thriving Center Of Psych’s studies have shown the top six reasons to ghost someone, and they are:

No interest in the relationship – 64%
Wanting to avoid confrontation – 56%
Feeling overwhelmed or stressed by expectations – 44%
Not feeling a strong enough connection – 41%
Feeling offended by something they’ve done – 39%
Mental health struggles – 29%

The same studies showed that one in three people don’t see a single thing wrong with ghosting someone, and a whopping 86% of ghosters felt relief after they’d done the ghosting deed. That’s pretty staggering, isn’t it?

To flip things around a little, it seems that most ghosters do have somewhat of a heart. 69% of them reportedly feel guilty/bad after ghosting someone, and 46% of people actually regret ghosting afterwards.

One former ghoster, Michelle Powers, spoke to Huffington Post, and said, in no uncertain terms:

“Once it dawned on me that there were no imminent emotional consequences to disappearing, it was even easier to pull a Houdini the next time a romantic prospect invited me to their brother’s bar mitzvah.”

“It became a coping skill, a magic shield that I used whenever there was conflict, or if I felt vulnerable, threatened, or worried about letting somebody down.”

In short: people ghost because they can.

Yes, it’s for all of the six reasons listed above, and more, but it’s also solely because they can. It’s easier than facing awkward confrontations, and with the quick flick of a block button, ghosters don’t ever need to hear from their ghostee victims again.

It’s as simple as that.

Some therapists believe that introverts are more likely to ghost than their extrovert counterparts, and a fear of rejection can also lead to a fear of rejecting. There are also the other regulars, too: stress, anxiety, past trauma, insecurities, and lack of self-awareness and/or low emotional intelligence.

There are literally hundreds, maybe even thousands of reasons why people ghost instead of saying, “I’m not interested in taking this further.”

Uncertainty

The ghoster might feel uncertain about how they feel, and retreating feels easier than the difficult conversation.

Convenience

Soft or regular ghosting is a much more convenient way to end something. It’s quick for the ghoster… but not so much for the ghostee.

Immaturity

Immaturity is another driving force behind ghosting. Breaking up involves some complex emotions on both sides of the situationship/relationship, so avoiding those emotions entirely is a better option for some.

Kinder

Ghosters might think, incorrectly, that ghosting is a better way to reject someone than to actually reject them. I mean, it’s bonkers and literally no-one would rather be ghosted than broken up with, but there you go.

Do you think a fade-out is better than an abrupt ending?

I sure as fuck don’t!

For the person being soft ghosted, the experience can be confusing and frustrating. It often leads to overthinking and second-guessing, especially if they were invested in the relationship. Being upfront, even if it’s awkward as hell, is so, so much kinder in the long run – for everyone involved!

It’s probably fuck all to do with you, though

I think it’s important to say that being ghosted, soft or otherwise, is more of a reflection of them than it is of you. I mean, decent people don’t just disappear out of the lives of potential partners, do they?

If you’ve been ghosted by someone, you’re better off without them. (Unless there are like, super extenuating circumstances, obviously.)

And yes, I know that everyone says that… but it’s 100% true.

Do you really want to be with someone who can ghost another person without a second thought? Who could ghost you without a second thought?

You deserve better.

Everyone deserves better than to be ghosted.

(Again, unless there are extenuating circumstances.)

Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤

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