Gobshitery

The Tweets I Didn’t Send [2020 Edition]

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Tweets I didn't send

So, since last year’s The Tweets I Didn’t Send went down so well, I decided to do it again. (And this year, I’m super bitchy, apparently.)

I must warn you: I swear a lot (no change there), I’ve got some serious opinions, I talk about death a bit, and there’s the tiniest mention of self-harm.

But if you’re happy with all of that, let’s just jump right in …

 

The Tweets I Didn’t Send 2020 Edition

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People keep talking about stockpiling food and I have a question: how do you NOT eat the stockpile?

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Mistletoe by Justin Bieber is one of my favourite Christmas songs. 

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Things that annoy me # 4737373:

Sharing images on social media without giving the artist proper credit for their work ?

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FFS, you guys, quit bitching each other out. There’s a block button for a reason, use it. It’s like a damn school playground on here ?

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This is the second time in my life I’ve had to live through lockdowns, blackouts, food and toilet paper shortages, and rations … and I’m not even 35 yet. 

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My neighbour has been playing her music wall-shakingly loud all day, so I hooked my laptop up to my bluetooth speaker and pumped the loading music from The Sims very loudly through it until she turned hers down. 

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Thought of the day: the gay sex scenes in How to Get Away With Murder are lip-bitingly hot. 

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I see “be kind” lasted long with some of you. 

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It freaks me out something stupid when I see people I know IRL on my timeline. 

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That awkward moment when you want to unfollow someone for being awful but they’re actively calling out people who unfollow them & you don’t think you can face the inevitable pile-on. 

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Please stop mansplaining shit to me if you’re gonna get it wrong.

Alternatively, please take it graciously when I explain all of your wrongness to you. 

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Why does autocorrect keep making the m in Male a capital letter, but not the f in female? 

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It’s because you’re a bitch. It doesn’t take a genius to work it out. 

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It’s a sad state of affairs when I have to uninstall my entire The Sims collection (inc. packs) just to update my Mac ?

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Me: writes 15,000-word eBooks in a couple of days, easy-peasy. 

Also me: can’t string together 5/6 words to put on a banner. 

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I’m fleeting in the *hope* that you’ll unfollow me. 

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Imagine being the kind of person who needs to rip the shit out of someone else’s tattoos. I’m not the biggest fan of you but you don’t see me bleating about it up n’ down the timeline. 

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I turned on the thing that allows you to take screenshots by double-tapping the back of your iPhone and now my camera roll is FULL of accidental screenshots. 

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Sometimes I follow people by accident and then I have to wait a few weeks to unfollow them again so I don’t look like one of those really annoying fuckers who follow/unfollow all the time. 

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What’s the deal with repeatedly activating/deactivating your account these days? Is this a thing we’re doing now? It’s fucking annoying. 

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If nothing else, Twitter polls have taught me just how wrong I am about a lot of stuff. 

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How stoned am I right now?

Well, I just rolled a spliff and completely forgot to put weed in it, so there’s that. 

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Doom scrolling is my favourite hobby. 

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Sometimes I wanna join in with those link-up things but I can’t keep up with which ones are good/bad/transphobic and I’m scared I’ll join in with the wrong one. 

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The person I hate: *talks shit about me + others on Twitter, tries to incite a pile-on, wishes Corona-death on people*

The same person I hate: “We’re all in it together through lockdown! ?”

HA! Don’t make me laugh. 

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I spy with my little eye, something beginning with TWITTER SHAGGER. 

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Billie Eilish makes me want to dye my hair green and starting drinking wine again so I can trigger all the boomer boys. 

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I REALLY dislike it when men call me “hun”. 

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Funerals on a weblink that you can watch again afterwards = fucking weird.

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I’ve started asking Siri what songs my neighbour loudly plays so I can play them just as loud, 30 seconds behind hers, to completely ruin her beat. 

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As I sit at the window to try and get a video of scumbag neighbour not picking up her dog’s shit, I realise that I’m turning into my Nan more and more each day — a woman who would write down the reg details of every car that parked on her front grass during school runs & then send the list to the council.

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Unpopular opinion: I wish they’d ban TikTok in the UK.

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11.5 yrs ago, my ex-hubs cheated on me for the umpteenth time. I told him, from that point onwards, I was going to do exactly the same things he did.

“You can’t go to Afghan though”, he mocked.

And that’s the story of how today is my 11-yr anniversary of hopping on a C17, ending up in Afghan & bagging myself a medal.

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Viola Davis is my absolute favourite actress ever. I actually think I might be in love with her. 

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One of the most annoying things about this pandemic is the fact that I’ve started going through Apple chargers at the rate of around one per month. It’s costing me a fortune.

Is there such a thing as a long-lasting Apple lead?

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There are a couple of people on here that I bloody love. I don’t always like or engage with their stuff (because sometimes I’m a bit scared of the potential backlash) but just know that I’ve got notifications turned on & I enjoy every tweet ??

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I’ve been having periods for more than 20 years and I still haven’t learned how not to bleed all over the bed in the night. 

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Okay, I think I get it now.

Sharing a lingerie snap online = thirsty, slutty, attention-seeking.

Sharing a bikini snap online baring just as much flesh = inspiring, awesomeness, lots of compliments.

You, my bikini-snap-sharing friend, are a fucking hypocrite. 

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Yesterday: You should tell me when something upsets you rather than keep holding it in.

Today: Your reason for being upset is not valid, soz.

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Damn straight I’m muting you for tweet theft. 

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Whenever I spot a new man on the timeline, I always place little bets with myself on whether he’ll end up being a bad danger. I’m almost always right.

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I love how the hospital people were quick enough to slap a DNR on my Gramps without talking to us first but now we’ve gotta wait up to 4 weeks for a fucking autopsy. 

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I forgot about *that* Poussey Washington scene in OITNB. I’m so fucking sad right now. 

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Some of y’all on here are really spiteful bitches, huh?

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STOP SCREENSHOTTING + CALLING OUT THOSE WHO BLOCK YOU. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

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You know we can tell when you’ve taken your profile picture sitting on the toilet, right? It doesn’t matter how much you crop and filter it, we can still tell. 

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It’s real brave to go screenshotting and calling out other people online when they’ve got some pretty juicy screenshots of your terrible behaviour.

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I just want to be an unshowering skank in peace, okay? We’re in the middle of a pandemic, leave me to fester in my depression. 

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“Didn’t happen” people are the WORST!

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Lemme tell you something: grief is full on kicking my ass right now. I am a mess of a human being. 

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Me: The full project has been uploaded, all finished. Let me know if you need changes.

Client: Thanks! Let me know when it’s finished and I’ll take a proper look.

Fucking dickwad, I JUST DID TELL YOU IT WAS FINISHED.

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How about you keep my name outta your mouth, crazy pants? 

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I love it when people say stuff like “All of dating twitter is up their own ass, I hate them all” because then I know who to block. 

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[CW: self-harm]

I’ve just finished designing the tattoo that’ll cover up my last visible SH scars and I am *so* looking forward to the day I never have to see them again.

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No, smartass in my DMs, my name is not Hannah. The cup says “morning handsome” and was one of a duo but I broke the “morning gorgeous” one.

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Did I take a deep-dive into a Tattle Life thread bitching about someone I really fucking hate? Yes.

Am I enjoying it? Also yes. 

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You can call me trash on the timeline all you like, sweetheart. You’re just mad I unfollowed first. 

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Isn’t it funny how there are some birthdays you NEVER forget?

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Only knobheads call out other people for unfollowing and/or blocking, pass it on. 

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Oh my gosh, I really miss dick.

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Sometimes I’ll pick a random blog post from my drafts to work on and publish but then I’ll see that someone else has done something super similar so I don’t publish it in case they accuse me of copying ?

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I went into a Google rabbit hole after watching Trial by Media on Netflix & I’ve just learned what ‘gay and trans panic defence’ is. How is that even a real thing?

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A jellyfish friend from years ago has sent me a friend request on Facebook and honestly, fuck ALL of that. 

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I think my absolute favourite thing about Twitter is the hypocrisy. Y’all get mortally offended with the hint of a dick on the timeline, but tits and ass aplenty is just fine?

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Me, eating an entire chocolate gateaux for dinner: How have I put on all this weight? ?

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The end.

If you’re offended by anything I’ve said … well, there’s not much I can do about that now.

If you enjoyed this post, let me know — I might actually blog more if you do! ?

And if you feel inspired to share the contents of your Twitter drafts, give me a shout. I absolutely want to read it!

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