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[su_service title=”I drop the c-bomb a fair bit.” icon=”icon: warning”][/su_service]
I recently delved into my drafts on Twitter for the first time in a very long time (like, forever) and found some absolute crackers that I thought I might share with you before I delete them. These were things I didn’t feel brave enough to say, changed my mind about saying, couldn’t say because of shitty signal (I’m assuming), and various other unknown reasons. I know it says 2019 in the title, but there’s a good chance that some of these have been sat there for a good few years.
– THE TWEETS I DIDN’T SEND 2019 –
Can everyone please just fuck off and leave me to play with my new sex toys in peace? THANKS.
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Please don’t turn me down if I drunkenly throw myself at you. Much appreciated.
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Man at my door, 9am: Have you invited God into your life?
Me: Have you invited Satan into yours?
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You’re a cunt. [This is a subtweet.]
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CONSTANTLY RINGING THE DOORBELL FOR FLAT A IS NOT GOING TO MAKE YOUR FRIENDS IN FLAT B ANSWER THEIR DOOR ANY QUICKER, YOU FUCKING MORON.
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I’d like to punch Karl on my Facebook this morning for being a transphobic smegma speck and hunting out transgender-related posts just so that he can deliberately refer to people by the wrong pronouns.
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I think screaming kids should be banned from all public places but we don’t all get what we want, Sharon.
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Mate, you are NOT God’s gift to women. I know you think you are, but you’re not.
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Sure, because stoners are renowned for kicking off and being violent.
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I should’ve written 3,000 words today. I just wanked all day. Ooops.
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How on EARTH do some people manage to get laid as much as they do?!
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Oh look, I’m still not pregnant.
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You, sir, are a cunt.
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Shocker. A guy who I predicted would be a deadbeat dad split with his partner+kid before its 2nd birthday and has ceased contact. (And he fucked up baaad.)
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Why’s toxic dick so damn appealing tho?
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Exactly how wrong is it that I think Peter Burke in White Collar is kinda hot?
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I’m thinking about permanently stopping the top lip de-fuzz. Wax/threading/cream, it doesn’t matter, it ALWAYS burns my skin. By the time the redness & actual scabs have fucked off, it’s time to de-fuzz & start again. I’m either Tom Selleck or scabby.
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I’m so high right now that I’m actually starting to enjoy socialising with real life people.
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Brad Pitt is so overrated.
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Why do I only see tubs of Twiglets at Christmas? I want those delicious snacks all year round.
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Is it even possible to wear a vest top to bed and not wake up with your boobs unflatteringly flopped out?
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My neighbours are having sex right now. She has definitely faked it at least twice.
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Yo, if you turn every DM into sex chat, you don’t get to be upset with me when I don’t respond.
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Menstrual cups … anyone tried them? What do you think?
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Peeps, would a complete lack of sex in a relationship make you leave?
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Mood: watching Forensic Files over and over again so I can plan a murder with no mistakes.
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I almost had sex today, folks. Almost.
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Why do people ask such ridiculous fucking questions on Facebook? FACEBOOK ISN’T GOOGLE, KAREN. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TIME THE BAKERY DOWN THE ROAD FROM YOU CLOSES.
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I felt this tweet so fucking much.
*I wish I remembered what this quote-tweet (I’m assuming?) was about.
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It’s been such a long time since I last had sex that I’ve started getting really adventurous with my wanking techniques.
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How do toxic men seem to know *exactly* when you’re at your weakest?
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Of all the things I thought I’d be doing in 2019, teaching my boyfriend how to use a suppository was not one of them.
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Bitches are testing my patience today, I tell ya.
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Can you still say cunt on Twitter? CUNT, CUNT, CUNT.
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Don’t mind me, I’m just off to make some bad decisions.
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A gal pal of mine has just started posting endless motivational, love-yourself, fuck-him quotes on Facebook so the breakup is pretty obvious despite the “I’ll DM you, hun” she’s throwing out there in response to “U OK?” in the comments.
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What’s the point in us following each other if you’re just going to ignore me every time I interact with you?
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Facebook friend requests from boys I’ve fucked and thrown away for being tossers make me both smug and angry in equal measures.
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Current mood: wearing hot as fuck lingerie under my jeans + t-shirt to improve the wank I’ve planned for later.
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Why is dating twitter so bitchy these days? What’s going on?
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What do you do when you have a crush that won’t go away? Asking for a friend …
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I deliberately ‘like’ shitty subtweets that I think are about me just to fuck up whoever shared them.
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From my calculations, I reckon I’ve got at least 5 hate-followers.
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Him: I cancelled my plans today. I thought we could spend the day together.
Me: Really? I’ve ordered new sex toys and I’d quite like to play with them. Kindly fuck off if you’re not planning on joining in.
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Isn’t it annoying how you never get dick pics from folk whose dicks you actually want to see?
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I’m bitchy a lot, huh? I should probably work on that. I want to know what’s sitting in your Twitter drafts now … ?
I LOVE this!
Thaaaaaanks! Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
LMFAO. I fucking love this so much. There were so many gems in there!!
I can’t remember why I even wrote some of them. I wish I did! I might make it a regular, end-of-year thing 🙂
omg, its so cute and funny to reread that drafts, isn’t it?)))