Relationships, eh? They can be absolutely brilliant – or an absolute disaster. While a good relationship should make you feel like you’ve hit the jackpot, a dodgy one can leave you wondering why you ever bothered in the first place. The tricky bit? Spotting those sneaky little red flags in a relationship before they turn into full-blown warning sirens.
Thankfully, that’s just what we’re going to talk about today.
Whether you’re swiping right or already settled in, this list of 21 red flags is your guide to figuring out whether your relationship is a keeper or one to politely (or not-so-politely) chuck in the bin.
- 21 Red Flags In a Relationship You Shouldn't Ignore
- 1: Possessiveness
- 2: Love bombing
- 3: Being overly critical of your friends & loved ones
- 4: Extreme jealousy
- 5: Crappy communication
- 6: Gaslighting
- 7: Isolation attempts
- 8: Clothing control
- 9: Dependency/co-dependency
- 10: Sexual disrespect
- 11: Fight-picking and hostility
- 12: Snooping
- 13: Everything is YOUR fault
- 14: Oh, mother
- 15: Negging
- 16: Hurling insults
- 17: Mental manipulation
- 18: Requiring constant reassurance
- 19: Stalking
- 20: Loyalty testing
- 21: Trust your gut
- Red Flags In a Relationship You Shouldn't Ignore: A Summary
- Red Flags In a Relationship You Shouldn't Ignore: Conclusion
21 Red Flags In a Relationship You Shouldn't Ignore
If you come across any of these signs in a relationship, it’s time for you to start thinking about whether or not your perfect partner is as perfect as you think. If you see two or more signs, you’re basically dating a walking red flag. These behaviours are unhealthy, emotionally damaging, and often lead to more serious forms of abuse, such as coercive control or physical abuse.
1: Possessiveness
There comes a time where someone being protective of you, turns into being possessive of you… and that ain’t cute. It’s suffocating, soul-destroying, and relationship-destroying – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Possessiveness can look different for different people and relationships. For one person, it might be making damn sure that everyone on social media knows, you belong to them. Nobody belongs to anyone else, so this thought process is highly damaging, and that’s before it ruins the relationship.
Possessiveness can also look like sabotaging your friendships and other relationships, texting you 24/7 and getting annoyed when you can’t keep up with the demanding communication schedule, and being super clingy to a suffocating extent.
In fact, pretty much every point on this list is an example of possessiveness alongside being a raging red flag. People who do these things to you will rarely have your best interests at heart.
2: Love bombing
Love bombing can make you feel like all of your dreams have come true, but sadly, it’s just a manipulative emotional abuse tactic that will, inevitably, leave you feeling broken-hearted… if you’re lucky.
Love bombers will overwhelm you will love, compliments, happy-ever-afters, gifts, and more, until you’re under their spell, then they’ll start the process of devaluating and then discarding you. If you’re super unlucky, you’ll then get to the optional fourth stage, known as hoovering, which is where the love bomber attempts to clean up themes and start the love bombing cycle all over again.
You’ll find more information on love bombing, including how to spot the signs before it gets emotionally damaging, right here: The No-Crap Guide to Love Bombing.
3: Being overly critical of your friends & loved ones
It’s unreasonable to expect all of your friends to get along with your boyfriend. Not everyone likes everyone else – and that’s totally okay. The world would be a very boring place if we all got along, don’t you think?
If your partner absolutely detests each and every one of your friends, family, co-workers, or other people in your life, you might have yourself a big ol’ problem.
Isolating you from your support network – friends, family, loved ones, colleagues, etc. – is a tactic used by abusers and manipulators, and it’s designed to leave you completely alone, with no-one to turn to, leaving the abuser as the most important person (and sometimes the only person) in your life.
Hating your friends and family is a slippery slope, and it’s not a red flag that you should ignore.
4: Extreme jealousy
It is my personal belief that a certain amount of jealousy within a relationship is healthy. I mean, it’s not a good sign if you don’t give a shit whether or not your partner is flirting/being flirted with, right?
Extreme jealousy, though, is a different breed of jealousy. It’s all-consuming, spiteful, and nasty. It leaves you walking on eggshells and fearful of ever talking to anyone except your partner again.
That’s super unhealthy, in case you aren’t aware.
Extreme jealousy, just like many of the other points on this list of 21 red flags in a relationship, can look different in different relationships or settings.
Here are some examples:
- Interpreting innocent interactions as guilty ones
- Constantly accusing you of cheating (even though you’ve given them on reason to distrust you)
- Demanding to see text messages and other communications with other people
- Argumentative/spiteful responses when choosing to socialise without them
- Being quick to anger or get upset when you do something involving other people
- Demanding constant check-ins
- You’ve got “rules” to follow
You and your partner should be able to have separate lives away from each other. You are two individual people, with two individual lives, coming together in one relationship. Neither of you should be expected to live by a strict set of rules that doesn’t allow for socialisation outside of the relationship.
5: Crappy communication
Communication at the beginning of the relationship/situationship is probably going to be a little… jerky. You’re still getting to know one another’s lives, habits, and more. You’ll start to get a feel for what’s normal and what’s not, and you’ll start to pick up on when things are crappy.
If someone constantly pulls you in, then pushes you away again, over and over again, they’re playing games with you. It’s not reasonable to expect someone to respond immediately 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. It’s also not reasonable to expect someone to be happy with really unreliable, sporadic, and non-explaining messages.
The red flag here is the up-down, inconsistent communication. Yes, people are busy, but it takes two seconds to second a text, letting someone know that. I’m a flaky and unreliable responder, but even I manage to find the time to say, “Hey, I’m going to be busy for the next few hours.”
If they disappear without explaining why, it’s a red flag.
If they want constant communication, it’s a red flag.
Other communication red flags to keep an eye out for include:
- Constantly avoiding specific subjects that you want to talk about
- Using big/complicated words in a bid to confuse you
- Answering your direct questions in vague ways that don’t actually answer anything
- Withholding communication to punish you
6: Gaslighting
The dictionary defines gaslighting as:
- manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning – Oxford Languages, Google.
- psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts – Merriam-Webster.
- to cause (a person) to doubt their judgment, memory, or sanity through the use of psychological manipulation – Dictionary.com.
An example of gaslighting is:
Victim: “The sky is blue.”
Gaslighter: “No, the sky is yellow.”
Victim: “It’s not. I’m looking at it. The sky is definitely blue.”
Gaslighter: “It’s 100% yellow. You’re insane. Maybe you should get your eyes checked.”
7: Isolation attempts
As mentioned in #3 (being overly critical of your friends and loved ones,) abusers, manipulators, and other bad folks will try to isolate you in other ways, to get them all to themselves.
This can come about in a wide variety of ways, including:
- Forcing or manipulating you into quitting your job/getting fired
- Stopping you from attending clubs, social events, or other out-of-the-house activities, particularly when the abuser isn’t invited
- Causing problems between you and neighbours/other passing acquaintances
- Forcing you to move to another town/county/country, away from close ties
- Finding ways to stop you from seeing doctors, therapists, etc.
If the abuser doesn’t/can’t isolate you, you’ll have a support network that’ll tell you that your partner is no good. They must get rid of that threat. Abusers need their victims alone, isolated, and without a network of people to lean on when things get rough. Abusers take on all of those roles, and then some, which is what makes it so difficult to leave.
Victims aren’t just leaving one person: they’re leaving a whole bunch of people – and a whole life.
8: Clothing control
Abusers and bad partners don’t want other people to find their victims attractive, so if you ever find yourself in a position where your partner is criticising your clothing choices or getting you to cover up, then you might be in a relationship with a walking red flag.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if you ask someone for it, then you should expect an honest answer.
“Are you wearing that?”
“Don’t you think you should cover up a bit?”
“I don’t want to go out with you if you’re wearing that.”
Those aren’t opinions; they’re classic lines from a control freak/manipulator/bad partner that will probably wreck your life. Your partner should big you up at every opportunity – or discreetly and politely admit that they don’t like the outfit much.
Rudeness, bluntness, and unwanted opinions aren’t polite or discreet.
9: Dependency/co-dependency
If everything you do depends on them, or everything they do depends on you, you’re in a dependent/co-dependent relationship. This is when the other person is the be-all and end-all of life, and you can’t do anything without them, their permission, or more.
It is, essentially, a relationship where the other person’s needs and wants are prioritised over your own.
This type of relationship is bad because it stunts your growth as a person. If you’re constantly trying to please someone else, or you’re constant living your life by someone else’s rules or say so, you’ll never reach your full potential. You’ll also never find out who you really are.
10: Sexual disrespect
If your boundaries in the bedroom (or out of it) are constantly ignored and disrespected, you’re ignoring glaring red flags that could, in the end, prove dangerous… or worse.
Disrespect is disrespect, regardless of the context – and if they’re disrespecting you, they don’t respect you.
Respect is vital for a healthy relationship, as are boundaries. No means no. Anything else is sexual assault or rape; it really is as simple as that.
If you don’t want them to do that one thing, they don’t get to do that one thing.
You make the rules when it comes to your body and what you do with it.
11: Fight-picking and hostility
If your partner is constantly picking fights, being hostile, and treating you in any other way than the love of their life, they ain’t for you. And to be quite frank, if they have that many things to pick fault with, it seems like they don’t even like you, let alone love you.
Every relationship has fights and disagreements. Life would be super boring if we all agreed on everything, all of the time. There is a way to argue and disagree that isn’t being an asshole, though…
And it all comes back to respect. Again.
Someone who respects you, won’t call you offensive names, especially after you’ve asked them to stop.
Someone who loves you, won’t find fault in everything you do.
That’s not love; it’s control and abuse.
12: Snooping
You are allowed to have a private life. You are also allowed to have secrets. Everybody doesn’t need to know everything – and that’s especially the case when it comes to your partner. I mean, do they really need to see the lovey-dovey messages that you sent to your ex-boyfriend, two years ago? No. Exactly. They shouldn’t want to see that stuff, either.
If your partner is snooping around your private life, they don’t trust you – and unless you’ve given them a reason not to trust you, that’s more often than not a reflection of their own behaviour.
It’s not okay for a partner to go through your phone when you’re asleep. No, it’s not okay for them to push your boundaries and talk about things that you don’t want to talk about. And no, it’s not okay for a partner to snoop around in private areas of your life that have nothing to do with them.
Snooping is a massive red flag, my darlings.
13: Everything is YOUR fault
Is everything your fault? Literally everything? Even the things that your partner does wrong? Well, you might just be in an abusive relationship. There are two glaring red flags here. Firstly, if they can’t take accountability now, while you’re dating, what makes you think that they will ever take accountability? You’ll need to deal with that every day for the rest of your life if you stay with them.
Secondly, everything is definitely not your fault. It takes two to tango, and all that. Two people ruin a relationship
I can make a third point here, too: telling you that you are to fault, when you’re not, is gaslighting. Gaslighting is abuse. If they’re gaslighting you, they’re abusing you – it’s as simple as that. (Go back to point #6.)
14: Oh, mother
When was the last time that you and your partner went out on a date? Cooked and ate a romantic dinner together? Went on holiday? A weekend break? An afternoon at the seaside? In fact, let’s keep things simple: when was the last time that your partner lifted a finger to do housework and suchlike?
If you spend more time cleaning up after your partner than you do having fun with them, you have become the new ‘mother’ in their life – and that can apply to both men and women.
Relationships aren’t going to be fun and jam-packed all the time… but shouldn’t there still be an element of fun in them? If all you’re doing is doing their dirty laundry, you’re not a partner. You’re a mother.
15: Negging
One New York Times article from back in 2004 (written by Neil Strauss) says this about negging:
“I had provoked a negative reaction, but now at least we had a relationship. I just had to turn her anger around to make it a good relationship.”
I think Neil sums things up perfectly. Negging is designed to forge a relationship with someone that wouldn’t otherwise be interested, by using insults that are shaped as compliments. Again, to use his example: “Nice nails. Are they real?”
Nice nails = compliment.
Are they real? = the backhanded part, designed to insinuate that you can’t grow your own nails/have terrible natural nails/etc.
The insult plays on your insecurities, and it creates anger or another negative reaction. The insulted person now gives the insultee attention – probably bad. The insultee now uses the compliment and/or arrogance to turn that negative relationship into a positive one.
It is manipulation at its finest, and it’s all designed to lower your self-worth, crush your self-esteem, and leave you feeling as if no one else will ever want you.
Gruesome, right?
16: Hurling insults
Whether they’re delivered in the form of backhanded compliments or not, insults in a relationship are a whopping red flag. You’re meant to love the person that you’re in a relationship with, and calling them bad names is definitely not a form of love. In fact, it is directly the opposite: a form of abuse.
Just like negging, insults are designed to chip away at your confidence and self-esteem. They’re meant to make you feel more and more worthless over time. Once you’ve lost your confidence, your partner (or in this case abuser) can do pretty much whatever they like, knowing full well that you won’t leave them. Why not? Because you don’t think you can do better. They have made damn sure of that.
17: Mental manipulation
Just like insults, mental manipulation in a relationship is very, very bad. Any kind of manipulation is bad as a whole, but you are not meant to manipulate your partner. That’s not a form of love.
Gaslighting, love bombing, and negging are all forms of mental manipulation, but they’re not the only types. The following are all types of mental manipulation:
- Guilt tripping
- Repeatedly putting you in no-win situations
- Shifting the goalposts, so you can’t ever meet their expectations
- Repeatedly playing the victim, making you the villain
- Forcing you to walk on eggshells
- Ostracising you
18: Requiring constant reassurance
If your partner can’t reassure themselves from time to time, you have a big problem on your hands. It means that they need you, always, to calm or soothe themselves. That might sound like a nice, romantic thing at first… but over time, you’ll have no social life, no time to yourself, and no peace. Your partner will end up relying on your like they rely on oxygen – and it’ll suck the life right out of your relationship.
Encouraging this sort of behaviour will leave you in a codependent relationship that you won’t ever be able to leave. Whenever you try, they’ll make you feel guilty. They can’t cope/live/breathe without you, etc.
Nip that behaviour in the bud immediately.
Alternatively, put them back in the dating pool and find someone a little less needy.
19: Stalking
Stalking isn’t just a red flag in a relationship; it’s also a crime, punishable by prison time ranging from six months to ten years, depending on the seriousness of the crime. In some cases, and I’m sorry to say this as bluntly as I’m about to: it can lead to your death.
Stalking is very, very serious – and it often escalates to much more serious crimes, as was the case with Alice Ruggles.
If you think that you are being stalked, whether it’s by your partner or someone else, I highly recommend checking out The Alice Ruggles Trust website.
Do not let yourself become another statistic.
20: Loyalty testing
If your partner has spent more time testing you than they have enjoying your company, it’s time for you shake things up and walk away. You’ve already shown your partner that you love them, right? You show them every day if you’re anything like the rest of us. Why do they need to test your love daily, over and over and over again? What are the tests for? And why do they feel the need to test you at all?
Either way, it’s grim. Walk away. Love shouldn’t come with homework, essay questions, and an end-of-year exam. That’s just offensive.
21: Trust your gut
If you have a gut feeling that your partner is no good, trust it. It’s there for a reason. Whether you call it female intuition, gut feeling, or just a hunch, it’s giving you a sign – and that sign might just save your life, you know.
Is your gut telling you to drop them? Drop them. That gut feeling won’t go away. In fact, there’s a good chance that it’ll just get worse. Before you know it, you’ll be a year down the line, wondering what the fuck is going on, and probably being gaslighted like no one has ever been gaslighted before.
There really are plenty more fish in the sea. It’s not just a cliché.
Red Flags In a Relationship You Shouldn't Ignore: A Summary
Let’s list everything we’ve learned in this blog post of red flags, shall we?
If you spot any of the following, run:
- Possessiveness
- Love bombing
- Overly critical of friends and family
- Extreme jealousy
- Crappy communication
- Gaslighting
- Isolation attempts
- Clothing control
- Dependency/co-dependency
- Sexual disrespect
- Fight-picking and hostility
- Snooping
- Everything is YOUR fault
- Never going out/always staying in
- Negging
- Hurling insults
- Mental manipulation
- Requiring constant reassurance
- Stalking
- Loyalty testing
- Trust your gut
Red Flags In a Relationship You Shouldn't Ignore: Conclusion
So, there you have it: 21 red flags in a relationship you simply can’t ignore if you value your sanity, your happiness, or your wine budget.
Relationships are supposed to make you feel good – like you’re walking on sunshine, not eggshells. Life’s too short for dodgy dynamics, so put yourself first, trust your gut, and hold out for someone who treats you like the legend you are.
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
You can read all about my disastrous dating history, right from the beginning, right here: Table of Dating Contents.
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