For the past few days, I’ve been having some urges. Some L-word urges. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately, and I’ve decided to blog about it in the hope that I can make sense of the thoughts.
OB has lied to me over and over again, yet I felt such a strong connection to him that I forgave him every time. Things got better after every lie-forgiveness cycle, and now, things are pretty great. We’ve found some balance, got ourselves into something that resembles a routine, and I actually am quite happy.
But then he said it, sort of, and now I’m not okay.
The L-Word
For a few weeks now OB has put little love hearts in his messages to me. I’ve started doing the same. Not in an I-love-you way, because we haven’t said that yet; in a caring way. I think. Maybe?
But then he made himself crystal clear.
“One Ball HEART NotSoSexintheCity”
(With our actual names, obviously. Anonymity and all that.)
It flashed to me like a neon sign.
He fucking loves me.
I freaked out. I acted cool, calm, and collected to him, but inwardly (and to Bestie) I lost it. It made me realise one very big thing: I wasn’t ready for the L-word. Nowhere close. Each of OB’s negatives circled in my mind – the lies, the bullshit, the little habits I was starting to dislike.
“You ignored my love heart earlier,” he said, later on.
Fuck.
He’s trying to say it, isn’t he? He’s going to say it. He’s getting those L-word urges, too.
“Oh, you know I’m smitten you with already.” I tried to joke it off a bit.
“What does smitten mean?” he asked.
Hasn’t anyone ever heard of a dictionary?
Bestie has some (a lot of) thoughts about it all, of course. He thinks I’m a dick for forgiving OB so many times before, and he basically hates him now.
“You’re a fool for forgiving and believe him,” he told me.
And as much as I hate to say it, Bestie is usually right about such things. He’s been right about pretty much all of the men I’ve dated. Maybe he should make my dating decisions for me?
No L-Word Urges
My L-word urges have now disappeared completely, so I should thank OB for that at least. I don’t love that guy. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I don’t think I can even trust him yet, let alone fall in love with him. Maybe I am deluding myself into thinking I can trust him after everything he’s lied about so far. Maybe I’m not.
My head’s a bit of a mess right now, friends. I know that I should probably be honest with OB about it, but he’ll only calm my fears in that soothing voice and good words like he’s done every time before.
Time will tell, I suppose.
Blogging definitely hasn’t helped me to make sense of my thoughts today, so that’s great.
The next blog post in the dating timeline is this one: Four Days.
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
Want to read all about One Ball’s story, right from the very beginning? You’ll find that right here.
You can also read all about my disastrous dating history, right from the beginning, right here: Table of Dating Contents.
Alternatively, why not have a little peek around here:
My tuppence worth…say it. Life really is too short. A 21 yo guy at my work went to hospital with a simple viral infection and his life support was turned off last week as a result. Bit morbid but the fact is you just don’t know what’s around the corner. I was in this some situation a couple weeks ago. I ended up blurting it out and even though the response wasn’t exactly what I wanted, I was relieved to say it. I think he’s giving you the signs you need and actions speak louder than words. Saying it is just a formality. Good luck!
Aww that’s a sad story 🙁
I get what you are saying…. I want to shout it from the roof tops sometimes, and at others I’m not even so sure I feel it at all. Just a scared girl falling in love again I guess?
Thanks for the luck! I’m gonna need it!!
xoxoxo
Yeah I hear you. It is scary, but that’s what makes it so great 🙂
If he reads your blog, he’ll know though right? 🙂 And if not, you could always try the whole backing off a bit thing to see if they come running forward, then admit that you realised you were falling so wanted to give the whole thing some space to work out whether he felt the same way too first… safest game play EVA.