Every now and then, I’ll see someone hot or cute as I go about my day, and I’ll flash them a smile that says, “Yeah, I think you’re hot.” It’s harmless, really. I have no intention of snogging them, shagging them, or anything else along those lines; I just appreciate their beauty and think they deserve to know about it. I’m single now, so even if I did want to shag or snog them, there would be nothing wrong with me trying to pursue that.
But what about when I’m in a relationship? Is harmless flirting really harmless then?
Let’s discuss.
Harmless Flirting
I think I’m quite a flirtatious person, but sometimes I wonder if that that’s only because women are conditioned to believe that being nice and polite to men = flirting. In reality, maybe I’m just nice? I would and have told eighty year old women that I like their purple or blue rinse (because that’s definitely going to be me one day) just as much as I’ve told forty-five year old men that I think they have a nice face.
Is it flirting, or am I just being nice?
The flirtation debate aside, we’re all human, aren’t we? We all look at other people from time to time, and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that, actually, they are quite nice to look at. Isn’t it healthy to feel attraction to the people that we’re attracted to? And doesn’t flirting happen as a natural result of that? The flirty smile and quickening breath – isn’t all of that natural? Isn’t it biology?
Biology aside, doesn’t it feel great to get a compliment from the opposite sex (and even better from the same?) To me, it’s like a mid-afternoon caffeine and sugar boost: uplifting, energising, and deliciously sweet – and that’s even more so the case now that I’m steadily approaching forty.
Tori Glaude for Zoosk says:
“We’re humans, and everyone likes a confidence boost, even if it’s coming from someone other than a spouse.”
A little harmless flirting helps the day go by a little quicker, makes you feel a little better, and generally makes the world a happier (and gigglier) place. Think things like playful banter and teasing, longer eye contact, and light compliments. Touching isn’t recommended, but an arm touch or a quick, friendly hug is relatively harmless.
The emphasis here, of course, is the harmless bit.
Harmless?
I suppose, when it comes down to it, harmless flirting is only really harmless when the intentions behind it are harmless – and that’s quite a tough thing to get just right. There’s a very fine line.
If you’re in a relationship and flirting with someone else because you’d have sex with them if you could get away with it, then the flirting is not harmless.
If you’re in a relationship and flirting with someone else, with absolutely no intention of shagging them, the flirting is as close to harmless flirting as you’re going to get.
You see where I’m going with this? It’s the intention behind the flirting that determines whether or not it’s harmless.
I don’t care if my theoretical boyfriend harmlessly flirts with other women (as long as it’s not in front of my face,) but I do care if he’s flirting with someone that he’s got sexual or romantic feelings for. That’s no longer harmless flirting; it’s harmful… and shameful.
Really Harmless?
I have female friends that would castrate their male partners if they learned that they were flirting with anyone else, harmless or otherwise – and that’s where the answer to this question really lies.
Is harmless flirting really harmless?
The answer very much depends on your partner.
If your partner doesn’t want you to flirt with anyone, under any circumstances, harmless or not, then it’s a violation of boundaries to go ahead and flirting anyway. Some people might even consider that violation as infidelity. At the very least, it would be disrespectful as fuck.
I would consider the following flirtations as violations of my above harmless flirting rule:
- someone you want to date/sleep with
- someone you have previously tried to date/sleep with
- failed talking stages
- someone who has made it clear that they want to date/sleep with you
- doing it in a way that would get back to me as juicy gossip
- flirting with the same person every day (or almost)
- physical touching that goes beyond what I’ve stated above
- hidden or private conversations, photos, jokes
- constant sexual jokes
Conclusion: Is Harmless Flirting Really Harmless?
As much as I would love to give you a fabulous answer to this question, the answer actually lies with you and your partner. It’s something that you should really discuss during the exclusivity chat – what you do and don’t agree with, what you will and won’t put up with, etc. These days, if you give someone an inch, they’ll take a thousand miles; so, you must make it crystal clear what you do and don’t want.
It’s wise to remember, what’s good for the goose, is also good for the gander; if you don’t want your partner to harmlessly flirt when you’re not around, don’t harmlessly flirt yourself.
My final thought is this: If you have to hide it from your partner, you have most definitely crossed a line already.
What do YOU think? Is harmless flirting really harmless? Answers below, please.
Updated for 2026.
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You can read all about my disastrous dating history, right from the beginning, right here: Table of Dating Contents.
