Wicked Games
I think Jock might be playing games with me, and I don’t like it all that much. It started with the whole, “I’ve to something to tell you but I don’t want to tell you over the phone” business, and then there’s been little hints here and there, but still, here we are, L-word-less, but he’s still flipping hinting.
It’s like he wants me to think that he’s going to say it, but doesn’t actually have any intention of saying it. Am I just fooling myself here? Could it be possible that I’m the only one thinking it and feeling this way? Is he playing wicked games with me? Am I wearing fuck-tinted spectacles again?
“I’ve got a confession to make,” he said in his message to me.
“Oh yeah … what’s that?” I replied, immediately thinking the worst: that I was about to get dumped.
“I can 110% officially say, I have fallen for u,” he text back.
Okay, fine, he’s fallen for me … but does that mean he loves me? Why won’t he just say the L-word, if he’s gonna say it at all, instead of dancing around the subject with all these stupid little lines and instead-of’s? For fuck’s sake, it’s so infuriating.
Having had quite enough of the does-he-love-me, does-he not merry-go-round, I replied with a straight to the point and simple: “I’m naked, wanna see?” And it did the trick. We sent some photos, had some text-sex, came a couple of times (me), and then said our good-nights. But that’s when he decided to dance around the fucking subject again.
“L you.”
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN FUCKING MEAN?!
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it until I’m blue in the face: say it, or don’t say it. There’s really NO NEED to keep flirting around the subject like this.
I replied with a less shitty message than I actually wanted to send:
“First of all, I think you’ll find the word is ‘rawr’. Secondly, I’m not accepting it. Not like this.”
(You’ll understand the ‘rawr’ reference more if you read this: How to Make Him Love You in 34 Days.)
“L was for lust, not love,” he replied.
Cunt. If it really meant lust, he’d have just said that, right? Eye roll. Oh my gosh, eye-roll so damn hard.
It’s like he wants me to say it first; like he’s egging me on to say it first. I won’t though. Nope. I’m not sure I even want to say it yet, but this playing-around shit isn’t pleasing me much. If he’s not going to say it — the real L-word — I’d rather he didn’t say anything at all. All the maybe’ing is just a head fuck to me, and not a good, sexy one.
In other news, we have a date coming up. He’s coming up with some surprise that he won’t tell me about, but after getting into trouble with his housemates, I’m assuming it’s going to be something more exciting than just a weekend at his. But that’s not what the big issue is here … it’s the fact that we’re going to be spending a whole three days (almost) and two nights together. Somehow, we’ve managed to get the same two days off work together, and he wants to use them to their full potential. As do I, but I’m nervous about it.
We’ve never done a two-night sleepover before. Are we ready for that kind of commitment? I know two nights is just one more night than one night, and we’ve managed one night just fine (like this outstanding one), but two nights is … well, it’s a thing, right? I can be cute and demure for 24 hours, but any longer than that? I’m not so sure.
He’s going to see the sides of me that I try to keep behind closed doors for as long as possible. He might see my angry morning face which, up until now, he hasn’t had the misfortune of meeting. He might get to see my chronic insomnia which seems to have reared its ugly head over the past few nights. I might fart. I might need to poo, and I can’t poo at his house yet. I just can’t do it. It’s too soon. I don’t know why it’s too soon, but it just is.
I want to take this relationship slowly, and in a mature way. Being reckless with my heart and not giving a shit what happens further down the line is fun and all, but I don’t think my heart can take any more heartache. I’m trying to think with my head a bit more. That’s really hard to do when you have the best adventures when you lead with your heart, though … and I haven’t had a really good adventure in a while. Maybe I’ll have lots of adventures with Jock? I hope so.
Anyway, keep your fingers crossed that my surprise date is super awesome.
I’m sure with him it will be!
