So… I’m Stuck
CONTENT WARNING: mentions self-harm.
I guess it’s over then. I hadn’t heard from him for a couple of days. The last thing he said to me was:
“I hate fighting too.
Two strong characters
If it was easy, it would be boring.
We are both on the same page, trust me.
You’re my future”
I didn’t respond and that was two days ago. This morning I woke up with the right hump again, and decided to ask him if he wanted me to post his charger back or if he had already gotten a new one. He asked when I wanted my stuff back as it would appear that I’ve ‘made my decision’. He was trying to start a fight, I think, with the jagged little edges found within the sentences, but I simply responded with a classy yet firm:
“You don’t listen to anything else other than whatever. What’s the point in me saying anything other than whatever? I’ve repeated myself over and over again for the last year or so. Anyway, I’m not cruising for a fight. you go enjoy your daughter’s birthday and have a great weekend.”
“Likewise” was his simple and to-the-point response.
It’s over then. It’s really over. Is it? No, it can’t be. Not over something this small. Not over a fucking theme park. Really? Have I gone a little too far? Am I being a bit melodramatic?
I know I’m not. I know that this is months and months of built-up tension – arguments we needed to have but didn’t, things I needed to say but couldn’t, feelings I needed to share with him but wouldn’t. Ah the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. They’re always fucking around, aren’t they?
I did what I normally do when I’m hurting. I self-harm. This time I didn’t pull out a razor blade and slide it across my legs. Nope, I’m better than that these days. I decided to go and get my septum pierced instead. Apparently that’s a much more socially acceptable form of self harm, hence why I always find myself getting a little something new.
I did something else I always find myself doing when things are getting a little rough…
I’m seeing My Mr. Grey tomorrow. He started messaging me last week. He has this habit of popping up when things are going bad. It’s like he has this built-in radar that he uses to zone in on me when I’m in shitty places. Like the shitty place I’m in with Jock right now. He’s down my way for an event with his friend so why doesn’t he come and see me on Saturday night?
Oh shit. For a start, I’m on my period right now. I couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to. Do I? No, I can’t. I have much more respect for Jock than to just run and jump into bed with someone new. I have more dignity than that. I have more will-power. I have more self respect.
Except we all know I won’t. Not in the hands of My Mr. Grey. Once he gets his hands on me, that’s it. I’m fucked. Literally. In more ways than one. Shit. What the fuck am I going to do? I can’t say no to My Mr. Grey now. He’s already made arrangements. What if he wants to stay at mine? I suggested us going for dinner. He suggested finding somewhere to stay. It will be really rude and frankly, quite bizarre for me not to invite him to stay at mine. We’ve been friends for over ten years for fucks sake.
If he stays at mine, period or no period, shit will go down. It really will. In my bed with his warmth and his smell, the way his hands feel on my arm as he makes in to make his move, which we all know he will. In that moment, with that man in my bed, I don’t know if I would find whatever will-power and self-respect needed to push him away. He has this intoxicating power over me. He always has done. I’m pretty sure he always will do.
If I fuck My Mr. Grey, it really will be over for Jock and I. Although I mean it when I say I won’t put up with this shit anymore and I would rather be single, I don’t know if I would want to put a full stop at the end of it and underline it. We are over.
I wouldn’t not be able to tell Jock about it either. He’d know that he was here, and I’d have to tell him if he was staying at mine. Or did stay at mine. And we all know that Jock wouldn’t like that in the slightest. He doesn’t know an awful lot about My Mr. Grey but what he does know has already made him hate the poor guy.
So I’m stuck. Stuck between two guys, and My Mr. Grey somehow, some way is always that other fucking guy! How does he do this! How does he know?! Why the fuck do I always fall for it?!
So there. Now what do I do?
I’m not even sure I like this new septum piercing.
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
Read all about Jock, the full chapter, from start to finish, right here.
If you’re in the market for something a lil’ spicier, why not check out one of my smutty favourites:
If Jock really wanted you to be his future he should have been working a hell of a lot harder to make you his present. And of course he’s putting this breakup all on you… He’s a passive-aggressive jerk. (Sorry!) You deserve so much better. (I know you’ve heard it a billion times!) You deserve to be someone’s first choice.
Run. Run from both of them as fast as you possibly can. I was in a very similar relationship with a “Jock” for about 2 years. I broke up with him a year ago and I hate myself for not walking away sooner. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now and I am disgusted at some of the situations that Jock has put you in. It brings back feelings from my own relationship because they are like spitting images of each other. One thing I have learned is that men like “Jock” will always try to get you back and tell you exactly what you want to hear to keep you trapped. As far as Mr. Grey goes, Run from him too. I also had my very own Mr. Grey and it will only leave you feeling vulnerable and more alone after you are done hanging out with him. My best advice is to face this breakup HEAD ON (cry it out, find a new hobbie, lay at the bottom of your shower crying while the water splashes on you and eventually turns cold, binge on netflix, etc). It will suck for the first few months but you will eventually begin to feel empowered. Also, get rid of the crutch (Mr. Grey).
Thanks for your advice! It’s weird because as yet, I haven’t cried. I’ve not felt sad. I’ve not really felt anything. Im just really, really angry. All the time. Angry that I keep putting in so much effort and never getting anywhere, angry for all the dreams that won’t come true…. I know what you’re saying is right though. It’s just taken a long time to come to the right decision 🙁
Agreed. It’s not that your “jock” doesn’t dig you. He’s just incapable of having a real relationship. That’s not on you. Let it go… I’m a dude, and these situations are always so obvious to us…women roll around the emotions of it all for a year…but you’ve made the only decision you can if you give a fuck about your future and daily happiness. I guess there is no harm in your Mr. Grey… but everything you write…you have a habit of ending with these guys that will never measure up to a real relationship. If Mr. Grey gets you over this shit you’ve been in…well enjoy. If he makes you set yourself up for the next cycle of chasing the next Peter Pan without real grown up skills…then maybe jerk off, and go find a pudgy accountant who will think you’re the shit with an edge and put a ring on your finger.
I love how brutally honest you always are 🙂
Melanie has it so right – you have to ignore everything Jock says (words are easy) and look to his behaviour. The Theme Park is NOT a small thing – he couldn’t be arsed to go with you on your birthday, and yet he’s all over it when his ex and step-child want to go. And then he invites you. It is called triangulation, and is the behaviour of a total jerk. Of course he goes all silverback if anyone else shows an interest – to him, you are a possession, like a television. Just like a television, he doesn’t see why he should go out of his way to do anything for you, but he sure as hell doesn’t want anyone taking it from him. Even less does he want a television that plays what it wants to – hence the current passive aggression – cos I bet that has pulled you back into line before. It wouldn’t surprise me if he stalked you if you do break up – it’s what his type do – because how very dare their TV up and leave of its own accord?! He won’t marry you, cos you have shown him you will stick around without it. If you stay, he may well marry someone else anyway (possibly the ex, if she isn’t married already). If you leave, really leave, he will probably promise marriage to get you back. It will never happen – he already knows he can string you along without it and he’s saving that bad boy for someone who doesn’t want to marry him. Sick, but that’s how these guys work.
Oh, and you aren’t stuck between two guys – you can walk off, phone the Bestie and have a night out, drink too much, cry, and get strong. Because you can bet your arse this isn’t over. It hasn’t got properly nasty yet, and I think there’s a strong possibility it will.
But maybe I’m projecting. I see a lot of my ex in what you write about Jock – tho I was maybe more of the ex with the step kid (I was an easy person for him to blame for his behaviour with his subsequent girlfriends). But still just a television