Friendships …

Ladies and gentlemen, this post is not going to be sexy or loved up. It’s not even going to be a nice post. It’s going to be filled with swear words (for those of you who don’t like reading them), and I’ll just throw it here so you know it’s going to coming up > CUNT. There, I said it. I’m probably going to say it a lot.

I moved out. I moved out of the house I shared with Bestie, and in with my new fella. You’d think that would be the end to the drama between us and that 15-year long friendship that apparently no longer exists, but no. Even now, when I’m 50 miles away, he still manages to piss me off. In fact, it’s more so now than he ever did when we lived together.

Little things have been niggling me, but I haven’t said anything. Not to you, not to him, not to anyone. Well, perhaps a few rants to Bear, but that’s about it. I’m trying not to let it bug me – Bestie’s behaviour – because there’s no point now. We don’t talk anymore. I don’t know what he’s up to, although I do know he’s still with the girl who I predicted wouldn’t stick around for long. I guess I was wrong about that. But then again, I learned she has about £20k in the bank so it’s no wonder he’s trying hard to keep her around.

*Sorry about the petty bitchiness. 

I was a drama student at school. I’ve always loved drama. I love the theatre. I’ve been a few times, both at school and during my adult life. Bestie kept saying he’d take me to the theatre one day, but it just never happened, and then, a little while ago, I received free tickets from a client of mine. I wanted to go and see Jersey Boys.

At the time, I was also dating Brown Eyes, and he just so happened to be around at the time I received the email about those theatre tickets, and he just kinda assumed he was coming with me.

“Oh, I’ll need to rent a tux!” 

(*I don’t even think it was a rent-a-tux kinda affair … )

I didn’t really know what to do, so I didn’t tell Bestie about the tickets. I figured I could just say that Brown Eyes had bought me them for my birthday or something … A little white lie wouldn’t hurt anyone, right? (Bestie would have assumed the tickets were for him and I, because he helped me with the project for the client who gave them to me … Are you keeping up?)

Anyway, long story short, Brown Eyes and I then started the whole make-up/break-up game, so I told Bestie about the tickets. I actually told him the entire truth too – keeping them a secret, not wanting to upset him, Brown Eyes assuming I would take him … Everything.

We never did use those tickets. I think they’ve expired now, if they even do expire. I don’t even know where they are. He didn’t really want to go and see Jersey Boys, because it was a “bit gay”. I suggested other shows, but there was always reasons [translation: excuses] as to why we couldn’t go. In 15 years of friendship, even when we had FREE tickets, we still didn’t go to the theatre.

Two weekends ago, he went to the theatre with his girlfriend of 6 months.

I wanted to go to the zoo. One zoo in particular. In 15 years, he couldn’t/didn’t take me. Within two months of dating this girl, he was planning on taking her. Worse than that, he was talking about it with me – the girl he didn’t take to the specific zoo. His BEST FRIEND. His BEST FRIEND of 15 years.

I wanted to go to all these different places. The only time we ever seemed to go on these trips was when I booked them and paid for them. He never made the effort for me. He never made the effort to save to take me anywhere. He made the effort to go Ireland with his male best friend and their friendship group (that I’m no longer included in). He made the effort to do a lot of things for them. But for me … what? What did he do? He bought me an electric toothbrush and some nail polish because it was easy to order off the internet. And even then, the only reason he bought me the expensive rose gold electric toothbrush was because he’d bought himself one and he didn’t want me being jealous/using his toothbrush heads. He told me that.

I’m being stupid, obviously. That man did an awful lot for me in 15 years. I know there were probably times where I took him for granted, but right now I feel so fucking disposable. Like I’m not important. Like I was never important. All the things I wanted, all the things I said, he never listened to them. He never acted upon them. But for everyone else – the girlfriend and the male best friend – he could do and would do whatever it took. Has it always been like this? Or is it just because I’m hurting right now? Hurting and more than a little bitter?

But then this morning happened and it’s such a stupid, little thing, but it’s upset me once again. And again, I’ve been reminded of how much effort it is for that man to do anything for me. That man that I classed as my BEST FRIEND for 15 years.

I get sent lots of stuff for review purposes sometimes and Bestie gets to play with those items. (And no, they’re not sex-things, before you ask. I’m not just a sex blogger/blog-whinger!) I *desperately* needed them back when I moved – over 6 weeks ago – but I still haven’t got them back. He’s had them for MONTHS. He said he would send them, he had the box, would be sending them soon, still soon, soon again … So I asked him again today because now things are more important. Mail has gone to my old address that I need right now, and I can’t redirect my mail because my photo ID is in the box of mail that Bestie has! The people who sent me the review stuff that Bestie had and didn’t give back – I’m getting threatened with invoices for that stuff. Because he still has them and won’t send them to me, my clients are getting pissed off. I should have done things, I haven’t done things … Bestie is now fucking with my job. And he knows this too. He knew he needed to give the stuff back ages ago. He knew I would get in the shit for it at some point, and he knew that point would be soon.

None of that probably makes any sense to you but I’m mid-rant so let’s just go with it, okay? Okay.

Anyway, this morning I arranged for my pops to go and grab my stuff so that it wasn’t left to Bestie anymore.

“Can’t, I’m going away this afternoon with the girlfriend. I won’t be back until Monday.” 

What? Oh, there’s the effort you’ll make for everyone else and not me again. Nice. Once again, I have been well and truly reminded where I stand. Not important. I even offered to pay for the postage. He’s been away four or five times in the last six months. We were friends for 15 years and we only went away once! And that was only because I booked it, I paid for it, I booked his time away from work!

“Sorry”

Cunt. Who even is this man? My best friend would have gone out in the pouring rain to get chocolate, tampons, anything I asked and now I can’t even get him to send me a package of shit that he forgot to return when we lived together? Even when he doesn’t need to pay for it and I’ll get into trouble if he doesn’t? UGH.

I feel conflicted again. That seems to be my word for right now – conflicted. I’m conflicted about everything. Everyone. That’s bullshit, it’s not everyone. But a lot of people, Bestie included. There’s a big part of me that’s saying, “Wait, this is his first real relationship and you should forgive him for getting lost in it. Give him a break. He’s not deliberately trying to piss you off. He probably isn’t even aware that he’s doing it.”

At the same time, however, there’s a really big part of me that’s saying, “Cunt.”

I hate talking bad about my best friend, I really do. I’m used to him winding me up because that’s what people do. They annoy me 99% of the time. I can’t get used to this whole meaning nothing to him business, though. It really hurts my heart. There’s a really huge part of me that’s desperately trying to cling on to this friendship, but every strand I find that reminds me how happy our friendship once made me unravels because of something he says or does. Every conversation we have results in me getting upset for one reason for another, whether it’s a trip to the zoo, or a trip away, or a trip to the theatre, shopping, a brewery … I love this guy, but I’m finding it harder and harder to keep hold of this. Maybe I should stop trying? I don’t even know why I said that, because I don’t think I’ll ever give up trying. He’ll always be my best friend. Even if he doesn’t want me to, I’ll always love him so much. He’ll always be the knight in shining armour I needed at that time. I’ll just never be able to love him in quite the way he wants me to. Life would have been so much easier if I could.

I’m not angry now. My blog has, once again, done its job – it’s calmed me down and soothed my raging thoughts. I’m no longer raging mad and more upset and disappointed once again. I just can’t believe it. Even though I know it’s true, I can’t believe it.

Friendships … Just as fickle as relationships are, it would seem.

To read about the full story of Bestie and I’s fall-out, check out these (in order):

The Monster Within …

Shit Storm.

Everything Has Changed

Bestie Dates

Dear Bestie’s 20 Year BFF (Who Ruined Our Friendship)

Where Does the Time Go?

Featured image by Sarah Noltner on Unsplash