Where Does the Time Go?

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Where Does the Time Go?

Do you want to know what’s even more heartbreaking than a breakup? A breakup from your best friend, that’s what. Let me tell you something: that man has broken my heart more than any guy I’ve ever dated. Damn that Bestie.

What’s been going on? Well, a fuck load of nothing, that’s what. We don’t talk anymore. We don’t hang out anymore. He comes home from work, feeds the cats, gets dressed and goes right back out again most nights. Some nights he doesn’t come home at all. My position in his life has been well and truly filled by the girlfriend. Well, apart from the £250+ bills I’m still paying for him per month. I bet she won’t pay those for him. They’re proper together. My prediction of them not lasting was obviously totally pants.

Reason Bestie has pissed me off no.1: I have NEVER forsaken him for a dude. I’ve never been the kind of girl who sacks her friends off for her latest fella. He’s had the biggest impact in so many of my relationships, and not usually in a good way, yet I’ve never sacked him off. I’ve always considered him and his feelings, even NOT doing things to avoid hurting him. The theatre tickets, for example. I received free tickets and never went. Brown Eyes assumed he was going, because he was my man-friend at the time and all, but Bestie assumed he was going too … just because he’s usually the guy I take to events like that. My love life has been hopeless, what can I say?

It was so awkward that I decided not to go at all. I wanted to take BE (although I’m glad I didn’t waste it on him) at the time, but I didn’t want to hurt Bestie’s feelings, so I just didn’t go. I have ALWAYS taken his feelings into consideration, probably wrongly so in some cases.

This has all carried on from that whopping great big fight we had about six months ago. Remember I said we were going to try living together and seeing how it went? Well, we did that. I have lived here for six months more than I really wanted to, and now not only am I starting to hate him, I hate everyone else in the house too. It’s getting me down. I am now the housemaid for three boys, and it was okay when Bestie had my back and helped me with cleaning duties, etc., but now it’s just me on my own … it’s too big a task. Just because I work from home doesn’t mean I have all the time in the world to clean up after everyone else.

And he’s just as skanky as they are. I don’t know if he’s always been that way and I just didn’t realise it before, or if he’s just taking the piss, but I’m getting real sick and tired of cleaning up after him too. Who do these fuckers think I am? Cinderella? Fine, where’s my damn Prince and a nice set of new glass shoes? Gimme.

*Yep, I’m aware that’s not Cinderella. I just really liked the gif. 

Our relationship hasn’t gotten better. We haven’t fixed our friendship. I’m sat at home surrounded by mess on my own for what feels like the fiftieth Saturday in a row, and he’s out getting drunk again. He seems to be doing that a lot these days … He used to drink rarely, only a few more times than I did, but now he’s drunk all the time, partying three or four nights a week?

Reason Bestie has pissed me off no.2: My departure from his life hasn’t affected him at all. In fact, he’s just gotten happier and more successful. I’ve been the one to pick him up after every fucking tragedy, yet I’m that disposable he doesn’t even miss me when I’m gone?

When he got kicked out of his house at 18, who did he turn to? Me. I persuaded my grandfather to take him and his sister in when they had nowhere else to go because their mother’s fella was being a Grade A moron.

What about when he got kicked out of his house a few years later too? I wasn’t in the country and I STILL helped him, this time persuading my mother to take him under her wing, which she did.

He wanted the full Sky package, I got it for him. He needed a phone, I got him one. I’ve been paying his phone bill for three damn years, and I’ve never once asked him for a penny. We basically lived like a married couple before, especially as far as our finances were concerned, but I was the breadwinner. I didn’t mind taking over the majority of the bills for the house that no one else seems to pay for, but that was when I got something in return. Now what am I getting? Because it’s certainly not his friendship, his respect, his loyalty, or being graced with his time. Now I’m resenting paying out so much money every month. Why?

So I’m house-hunting. And Bear just happens to have moved into a nice little place that has a spot available just for me … If I’m going to be paying out all this money for someone, I’d rather it was for someone who actually gave a shit about me. Bestie even forgot about my damn hospital appointment. Bestie forgot! He was always my calendar before. It’s so damn sad.

*Colposcopy, check up, lump on cervix after CIN3 & LLETZ, all fine, scarring causing minor issues*

The awful breakup that we promised each other would never happen because our friendship was “too strong for that”, has finally happened. And it’s been awful, heartbreaking and utterly devastating. His life hasn’t been impacted by my departure at all. In fact, he’s flourishing. He’s not sad. He’s not even out of pocket. He has a new girlfriend now, and she’s doing a lot of the jobs that I used to do. Oh, apart from his laundry, which I still find myself doing on an almost daily basis because otherwise it just gets left around the house …

But I’m sad. I’m pining. I cried today. He went out again and I found myself sat on the living room floor, surrounded by laundry, wondering how the fuck I got there. It’s awful to feel so disposable. I have never felt so small and insignificant.

And the friend that said all that shit and started all this? Well, I’m pretty sure that’s where Bestie is now, sat having drinks and a silly good time over at his place. Yes, I’m bitter. And I’m jealous. And I’m fucking pissed off about it. How come he hasn’t had any consequences from all this? The things he said were wrong, and Bestie even admitted to me that they were wrong, yet he refuses to bring it up to his friend? He refuses to put his friend right?!

Reason Bestie has pissed me off no.3: He’s a pussy and I didn’t have him down as a pussy.

I never realised how far up his friend’s butt Bestie was. Is, in fact. I wonder if he was like that with me, because that makes me understand a little where the friend was coming from. It’s funny the lengths that Bestie will go to, to make that man smile. He never did those things for me. I wanted to go away so not only did I have to book it all in secret behind his back, I had to fund the entire thing too. Otherwise we never would have gone. Yet he managed to get like five trains, three ferries and a bunch of cabs [slight exaggeration] to spend just over 24 hours with the other guy? Hmmm.

I guess this is just realisation. Realisation of how one-sided things have been for a while. It’s clear what this friendship meant to us individually. He’s out having the time of his life with the friend that destroyed us, and I’m sat writing this.

Enough of the pity party though, I won’t sit and wallow. I’m planning. I’m planning on going to see Bear soon, and his new gaff, and if I like it I’m pretty sure that’s where I’ll be staying. Once I’ve come to get my cat, of course. But I’m miserable in this house. I need to move out anyway. It would be cheaper if Bear and I lived together. And we have so much fun together too. Every time I’m there I never want to come home again. I’m sad to come home again. Fuck it, in for a penny, in for a pound.

I know it’s not long enough to move in together, but can you believe we’ve been doing our thing for five months?! Where did the time go?

One thought on “Where Does the Time Go?

  1. karen

    You realise it isn’t normal to pay your friend’s bills, right? This guy sounds like a total free-loader friend. Have I recommended Melody Pia’s book ‘Codependent no more’ to you before? Yeah, I know, ‘codependent’ has the word ‘dependent’ in it, and that’s definitely not you. But it wasn’t me either, and I really was. It is actually about how you do not know where you end and another person begins (you have no boundaries) – so you feel you are responsible for other people’s feelings, that you must fix other people’s problems etc etc. It’s hard to learn to be boundaried. To this day, I have to ask myself ‘is this mine?’ in so many situations. But otherwise, people walk all over you, and you don’t realise it’s because you’ve laid down in front of the door with ‘welcome’ written on your back 🙂


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