Twirtation.

I think I’m pretty much all caught up with my blog now after the Big Blackout. Kinda. There’s a few more to go but I got stuff happening right now so they’ll need to wait. I have been trying to write this blog post for a few days so I apologise if it’s a little scattered and unfocused. I really don’t know what to say…

I don’t know. That’s it. I don’t know. I’ve done something dumb. Or maybe I haven’t. I don’t know.

I just don’t know. 

Every now and again I get guys Tweeting me. I don’t pay much attention to it. What’s the point? I’m an anonymous blogger, I’m never going to meet them. Most of the guys who Tweet me probably don’t even read my blog. They certainly wouldn’t say the things they say to me if they did. Maybe this is something I should talk about some more?

Well, a guy Tweeted me. And I Tweeted back. And we’ve been Tweeting for a little while now. And now it’s not quite as platonic as it started out. We’re involved in what I like to call a ‘Twirtation’ – a Twitter flirtation.

I don’t know what to write. I keep re-writing this post, tapping out words before deleting them and starting all over again. It’s a really weird position for me to be in. He knows me as this girl – the girl behind the blog. But he’s talking to me and I’m talking back as the real me – not the girl behind the blog. It’s exhausting. I keep needing to proof-read my messages to make sure I don’t accidentally mention a name I shouldn’t and pay attention to the things I’m saying. That’s not something that comes so easy to me. I’m enjoying our chit-chat though and apparently I can’t seem to put a stop to it. I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think I want to. I’m enjoying it. A lot more than I should be I think. Definitely considering I’m kinda with The Director and all…

Is it possible to have a ‘feeling’ with someone you’ve never met? I’d call it a ‘connection’ but he calls it ‘strings’. Buddhists believe people are all connected by strings which means they are destined to meet in life. The way I read it is this – these strings are the connections we feel with the people we feel them with. Those people were meant to be in our lives. You were always destined to meet. That’s right, right?

I know what this guy looks like because I’ve looked him up. I know what he sounds like. I know how he talks and the way he moves. He knows nothing about me. Well, he didn’t. He does now… A little. And then a lot. And then pretty much all. I can’t help it. I get ‘good’ vibes from him and I keep letting little things slip. Things that I now can’t talk about because he’s probably reading this. I’ll be honest, it makes me a little uncomfortable but if he didn’t want me to write about him, he wouldn’t have Tweeted me would he? He knows this is what I do. Plus there’s a little part of me that is thinking about this as a bizarre little scientific experiment. I’ve never even considered the idea of dating someone who DID read my blog. Or even just going out on a date with them. Or even just meeting them. Never, ever, ever. Dumb idea right?

It kinda feels as if I’ve been backed into a corner a little bit here. I didn’t want this to happen. I never expected it to happen. And now I’m being ‘pursued’ by someone who… Well, who could be anyone really. He’s being really nice to be fair and all he’s done is help me. Business-wise, he’s a good person to know and I’m very grateful for how kind he’s been to me already. But he has an ulterior motive. He wants to fuck me. There’s no secret about that and if I’m honest, the upfront-ness of it all isn’t as refreshing as I feel it might be in any other scenario. If I’d bumped into this guy in the street and the same ‘connection’ or ‘strings’ happened, everything would be fine. But it didn’t happen like that. He accidentally found out who I was and I didn’t have a choice but to trust him. In his defence, if the situation had been the other way around, I probably would’ve played it exactly the same way but that’s not the point – he knows blog-girl and I know nothing about him.

Last night, after a few days of talking, we decided to try our first phone call. I don’t think it was a great move. I freaked out. It was weird talking to him. It was weird hearing him say my name in one breath and talking about my blog in the next. I couldn’t handle it. I don’t think this is a line I’m willing to cross. There’s a reason this blog is anonymous and I like it. I’m safe back here behind my screen in my happy little bubble. I think it’s all happening too soon. We’ve not been chatting that long and he’s gone from kinda knowing to really knowing who I am. And although he’s being honest about that whole wanting to fuck me motive thing, I’m not sure if I can get my head around it. I wouldn’t be able to write knowing he could be reading it. And just because he says he won’t doesn’t mean he actually won’t. I would. I’d totally be reading it. It’s human nature… Isn’t it?

Plus, all that uncomfortably put to one side, what about The Director? We’ve not really had much to do with each other over the last few days as he’s been busy. It felt as if we were getting snappy with each other so I figured I’d leave him to his own devices. Friday night is date night. Maybe. The Twirtation asked me out on Wednesday night but I can’t do it. I can’t. Nope. Too soon. If at all. I need to find a way to tell him that. I guess now he already knows. At least he knows why – the real reason why not the bullshit reason I’ll give him via Twitter.

Life is too complicated right now. Complicated enough without inviting something or someone new into the mix.

If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Genuinely. But it’s just too much for me.