OH MY GOD I’M SO FUCKING NERVOUS

*I should have posted this last night but I’ve been uber blog-happy recently and didn’t want to spam you. However, by the time you read this, I’ll either be nakedly tangled with the guy or I’ll be at home on my own…. 

I’m sweating. Just sat here typing, finishing off some writing stuff, my leg is bobbing up and down, my toes are twitching, and I’ve got sweaty armpits. I stink. This is nerves. First date nerves. First date nerves because I know I’m probably going to fuck him – The Director. First date nerves because I know I want to.

We’ve been real naughty too. I decided not to think too much about this one though and to go with the flow. I’m thinking like a dude. I want to have sex with him therefore I am going to. If something else happens after that, woo hoo. If not, oh well. It was fun. Thanks and see you around sometime.

Admittedly I do REALLY like him but that’s not the point. Obviously.

He’s a guy so of course he sent me cock shots. For once I didn’t care. Wow. Just wow. Remember when I spoke about that perfect penis. He’s got it. All of it. It’s beautiful. Holy shit. That thing could rule the world. I have a feeling it may be a little on the too-big side for me but I guess we’ll wait and see. I just hope my recovering body can handle it. I can’t stop looking at it. Wow. Just wow.

It’s long and thick and pink and circumcised and beautiful. It’s my perfect penis. It’s everything I said I wanted. I’m in love with his penis and I haven’t even met him yet. He sent me a video playing with it, dripping with excitement and I almost came there and then. His penis aside, although I’m sure I’ll be coming right back to it (pun most definitely intended), he looks a little older than he does in the pics I’d seen on the dating site. When you consider he has already kinda lied about his age, it doesn’t look great.

Despite the fact he looked older, more wrinkly and more tired than some of the other pics, I still wanted him. The picture still made my stomach flip. I wanted to be in the exact position of that phone right there and then – sat on his lap looking at his face preferably with his cock deep inside me. Is that too much to ask?

I can’t quite believe how slutty I’ve been with a man I’ve never even met yet… Is this normal behavior? Fuck it. I don’t care. I’ll make up my own rules. Hahaha as if I’m that badass! I haven’t actually made it out to the date yet and my stomach has already started flipping. I think I may have played this a little too full-on… Via message I’m this super strong, sexy, sensual woman (my deep-down inner self obviously) yet when he meets me, I’m going to be this timid, shy little thing that struggles to string together a sentence and gets crippling anxiety. Well, at first anyway. It happens with every guy.

We have such a sexually charged ‘relationship’ (whatever it is) already, I don’t know if I’d get away with not putting out on the first date. I’ve told him if we have no chemistry, I’ll be doing a runner after two drinks. He’s agreed that he will do the same. We are so refreshingly honest with each other and it’s amazing. Like blunt honesty. He puts me right in my place and I do the same to him right back. I hope this is something that will still translate into ‘real life’ but part of me wonders if I’ve set my expectations far too high for him. In that bed-selfie he’d sent me last night, he looked a lot older than some of the other pics he had sent me. He sent me a business website, etc. so I know he’s hardly some twenty-something lookalike. I wouldn’t want to date him if he did look like that. I like the older man. I know that now. I won’t even consider dating someone younger than me now. The same age is questionable. I just don’t have time to deal with all that immaturity and men my age – they are hella immature.

I don’t know. This is the thing I hate about internet dating. I feel as if I know this guy already – we talk quite literally night and day. From 8am right through until 2am. I know so many things about him. I know the military background, the ex-cop background, the prison thing (hmmm), I know lots. This isn’t the kind of information I would imagine he divulges to many girls. But I think I know exactly where this going. I think I’ve got it figured out.

I like older men because they ‘worship’ me. All of my relationships, the big ones, have all had incredibly similar traits. The Fireman, Big Love, Jock, The Older Guy, The Married Guy, Someone New… They all worshipped the ground I walked on right at the beginning of the relationship and at the end, the tables had turned completely because I’d turned into clingy, needy, emotional messes. Joint effort or not, I have established this relationship pattern. All the years I’ve been moaning endlessly about my breakups on this blog, it’s taught me a thing or two.

With an older man, I am the cute, adorable, little, blue-eyed beauty. Now I’m skinnier, it’s even more so the case. They want to protect me but at the same time, they want to ravish me. They parade me around on their arms, proud because I’m pretty. I let them do things to me in bed that women their own age don’t tend to do and because I’m a sexually open person. They have fun with me. Didn’t The Fireman tell me just the other day how much fun stuff is with me? I’m the fun girl. I make them feel good about themselves. I make them feel great in bed. I pay them compliments and laugh at their jokes. I’m a good girlfriend. I’m an even better flirt. I forgot how much I LOVE to flirt. I’ve been a really good girl for a really long time and I’m bored.

All I gotta do now is muster up the balls to actually go through with this date. Because once I get on that train, I know very well I won’t be coming home ’til morning.

Ahhhhhhhhh! SLUT!