… But I don’t want anyone else to have you either.

That’s pretty much how I felt when I saw Someone New back on POF. Browsing late last night, mocking the stupid men with their even more stupid profiles, I came across it – his profile. The same as it was when I stumbled across him the first time but he’d updated a few of the pictures. I was jealous for a moment but it wasn’t long before I realised something – I don’t know what I was doing with him in the first place.

He’s not a bad looking guy but he’s not my kinda guy. He wasn’t the kind of guy I would normally have gone for. Saying that neither was Jock but Someone New was just a bit too…. pretty I think? I’m not saying I wasn’t attracted to him. I was just less attracted to him than I would have been if he was a bit rougher around the edges – facial hair, scars, tattoos, gruff demeanor, that kind of thing. I’m not dissing his pretty-boy style but it’s just not for me. He spent longer in the shower than I did and that’s just not cool.

He was too clean and organised and my life is a fucking mess. I thrive in chaos. I live in chaos. I work in chaos. We would never have worked. I didn’t like his sense of style and I got the impression that was something I would never be able to ‘tweak’. He was too plain, too regular, too ‘normal’. He had a beautiful smile and lovely eyes but he normally walked around with such an angry, focused look on his face, you never saw them. If he wasn’t angry or focused he just looked a little confused. You see, that’s another reason why we would never work. I need a man fully capable of saving me in a zombie apocalypse because I’d die in two minutes if I were left to my own devices. Someone New had no awareness AT ALL. He’d walk into the road without looking and wouldn’t get out the way for other people. He just didn’t see things around him. Between his non-awareness and my failure at crossing roads in general, we’d have gotten me killed. He certainly wouldn’t have saved me if zombies ended humanity. Just saying.

It sounds like I’m bashing this guy and I guess I am a little. I’m reminding myself of all the reasons we shouldn’t be together because I feel bad how we broke up and keep thinking about messaging him to tell him so. I’m not going to do that but just to be 100% sure, I’ll keep writing my stuff down. At least I’m not writing it down and sending it to him, right? I don’t mind if you stop reading. Honestly.

I would never have gotten my head around the other women in his life. I would never be able to get over his mother’s bad first impression of me. I would never allow that home-wrecking whore to spend any time with him so if we would have continued, he would have needed to cut her out his life. I’d pretend to be cool but if he so much as mentioned her, I would make life so difficult, he’d have no choice but to evict her… or me.

There were so many other women in his life, I couldn’t keep up with them all. I couldn’t work out which ones he’d had ‘history’ with and which he didn’t but it started to come across like he had had some sort of sexual relationship with pretty much every woman in his life. I know I have a chequered past but I don’t invite them all into my future and I certainly don’t tell my current boyfriend about each and every one of them. If he’d known how many of my male friends I’d had some sort of physical / sexual connection with, he’d make me unfriend all of them. But those occasions were years ago. I rarely talk to some of the men now, and I wouldn’t bring them to his attention to create a problem where there wasn’t one. That’s what he did – he created extra problems.

If he’d never said those harsh words to be about that home-wrecking whore, I wouldn’t have had a problem with him having dinner and a movie with her that night. If he had kept their complicated history to himself, I would have had nothing to worry about. I’m not saying he should have lied but you need to pick your battles when you’re in a relationship, don’t you? Don’t you learn the things you keep to yourself and the things you tell the person you’re trying to make fall in love with you? Or have I been getting this wrong my entire life?

To be honest, I’m not even sure why I’m over-analysing this. I don’t know why I’m still thinking about him. We weren’t right together and whatever the reasons for our breakup, it was a good thing. I had been looking for a way out for a while. However the question remains – why does it bug me? If I don’t want him, why don’t I want anyone else to have him (yet) either?