A No-Bullshit Guide to Soft Ghosting in Dating

September 17, 2024December 24, 2024 notsosexinthecity Ghosting

Dating in the digital age is both exhilarating and overwhelming. With countless ways to communicate, it seems easier than ever to maintain connections – or to let them fizzle out without confrontation. Enter my guide to soft ghosting, a term that’s crept into our modern dating vocabulary.

Whether you’ve experienced it or unintentionally practiced it, soft ghosting is a murky middle ground that leaves one party uncertain and the other avoiding a tough conversation.

In this no-bullshit guide, I’m cutting through the fluff to explore what soft ghosting really is, why people do it, and how to handle it, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end.

Let’s get real about one of dating’s greyest areas.

Table of Contents show

A quick guide to soft ghosting

Soft ghosting is, as the name suggests, a softer form of ghosting. Rather than all calls, texts, etc., cutting off abruptly, overnight, as if from nowhere, the soft ghosting process is gradual and slow.

Messages and calls decrease over a few days or weeks. Complex conversations are replaced with surface-level chats that are more reminiscent of friends than potential lovers. Flirty banter and spicy fun reduces to eventual non-existence.

It’s not an immediate whipping of the rug out from under you, more of a slow tugging that you’re completely aware of.

What is an example of soft ghosting?

According to Statista studies, women ghost more than men, but thankfully, more of us haven’t been ghosted, than have. One way that someone might soft ghost you is to respond to messages in ways that are shorter than usual, and it doesn’t invite more conversation. This might be an emoji reaction, such as a thumbs up, to your messages, or things like:

K
Lol
Yeah, for sure
No worries
That’s crazy

They might stop asking you questions in return, and the conversation might feel super one-sided… and you’re the one carrying it.

Answers to your questions will probably be vague, especially when it comes to their personal life. “I’m out,” will probably replace long-winded messages that once told you intricate details of their day.

In all honesty, it’ll feel like they’re checking out long before they actually check out, and it’s often quite obvious. They’ll make you think that you’re nuts if you say that out loud, though. (Gaslighting bastards.)

Narcissists and soft ghosting: the ugly connection

Some experts believe that narcissists resort to ghosting, particularly soft ghosting, as a way to test the relationship. This isn’t healthy, of course, but narcissistic behaviour rarely is. They’ll lure you in, love bombing the shit out of you, then they’ll pull away, leaving you wondering what the fuck happened.

They’ll rarely pull away for long, or permanently. They need your love, worship, and adoration too much to let you go. So, they’ll probably breadcrumb you after ghosting you completely, or they’ll resort to soft ghosting to see how far they can push you until you finally snap. They need to know exactly what you’ll do for them, and once they’ve found out, they’ll push those boundaries as far as they possibly can.

Relationships with narcissists are an ugly business, and you’ll need to be made of stern stuff to make it out in one piece.

Trust me. I’m speaking from difficult personal experience.

Soft ghosting vs. regular ghosting: what’s the difference?

Regular ghosting, as in the immediate and sudden discontinuation of communication from someone you once spoke to regularly, is seen as a much harsher and nastier form of ghosting. Soft ghosting, as the name suggests, is less brutal. A gradual decline is seen as less negative than a sudden stop.

Victims of soft ghosting would thoroughly disagree, of course. Many of the soft ghosting tales on Reddit are accompanied by comments such as, “I personally think it’s worse,” [than regular ghosting,] and “I knew it was happening, but he gaslit me into believing there was nothing wrong.”

Technically, it is a form of gaslighting if you’re telling someone that everything is fine, then acting like you don’t know them via text message. It’s not cool, either.

Regular ghosters will (usually) disappear completely and suddenly. They might even block you, but some will leave you dangling on a string, returning to breadcrumb you every now and then.

Soft ghosters will reduce the quantity and quality of communication over a period of days, weeks, or even months, with the intention of eventually stopping talking. Alternatively, they’re hoping that you’ll get super annoyed with the lack of quality conversation and end up dumping them. For what it’s worth, that’s what I think Sambuca did to me. He got increasingly more annoyed with me and everything I did, to the point where it erupted, and we did breakup.

(He did the dumping, but of course he’s telling folk that I dumped him.)

Soft ghosting signs in a relationship

Unlike with regular ghosting, that often has no warning signs whatsoever, soft ghosting happens slowly and gradually. The victim realises that they’re being ghosted without needing a guide to soft ghosting… or at the very least, they realise that something has changed and isn’t right.

They’ll probably ask the soft ghoster if they’re okay, only to be met with “Everything is fine!” responses that don’t make much sense.

I’ve written a guide to soft ghosting signs, which are actually the same as regular ghosting signs (if there are any signs at all.) These, however, are the most common soft ghosting signs in a relationship:

1: Communication slowly and gradually decreases

This might happen over days or weeks, or even months in some cases, but you’ll find that the ghoster starts reducing the amount of time they spend talking to the victim, which I like to call the ghostee.

One day, you’ll send 300 messages in a day. The next, you’re lucky if you send 100. The day after that, 50. Then the day after that, 10. The reduction might not even be that drastic; each ghoster and ghosting situation is different.

2: Time between responses gradually increases

Right at the beginning of your situationship, messages barely have seconds between them, let alone minutes. As time goes on, though, a soft ghoster will start leaving it 10 minutes before they respond. Then, they’ll wait a little longer, maybe 20 minutes. Before you know it, you’re waiting days, weeks, and even months for a reply to a simple message.

It’s important to recognise the difference between soft ghosting and/or ghosting and being genuinely busy. It’s impossible to respond immediately all the time. We’ve all got work, grocery shopping, Christmas gift shopping, socialising, family time, hobbies, housework, and all sorts of other stuff to do. It’s unreasonable to expect an immediately reply all the time.

But you’ll know when someone is soft ghosting you. You’ll feel it. Things will feel different – and they’ll be different, too. You’ll start to get a feel for what’s normal and what’s not, so it won’t take you long to recognise that messages and other forms of communication are starting to spread out too much to be deemed normal.

3: Social media interactions will decrease

If the two of you are friends, followers, whatever on social media, there’s a fairly high chance that you’ll be all over each other’s socials right at the beginning. There’s nothing discreet about it, and you’re not fooling anyone.

Until things change, of course.

The ghoster won’t post or interact with your social media posts because they’ve probably already moved on and are secretly interacting with someone else’s. Alternatively, they won’t want people to think that the two of you are still ‘dating’ (or whatever,) so social interactions might decrease to reduce the links between you.

Avoiding social media interactions is just another stage of avoidance, too. It’s not just calls and texts that’ll be on the decrease: all other types of communication will probably drop dramatically, too.

Recommended reading: 12 Signs You’re About to Get Ghosted.

What to do when you get soft ghosted

Getting ghosted is fucking shit, there’s no denying that.

Do you want to know what’s doubly shit, though?

Getting arrested because you did something stupid out of rage or revenge.

First of all, aren’t you better than that? Why are you acting in that way? Do you think that will make someone more attracted to you? Because that’s more than likely not going to happen. That kinda crazy aint attractive, folks.

I’ve created a little guide on what to do when you get ghosted, and the tips are perfect for soft ghosting, too. You can find that here: What to Do When You’ve Been Ghosted.

Whether you’re the soft ghoster or the ghosted, recognising the impact of this behaviour is the first step toward building more honest and intentional connections. Dating doesn’t have to be a minefield of unanswered texts and vague interactions. By prioritising clarity and respect, you can navigate relationships – casual or serious – with integrity.

A no-bullshit guide to soft ghosting in dating: summary

Soft ghosting reflects how dating habits have evolved in a world dominated by instant communication and fleeting connections. While it might feel like the path of least resistance, it often leaves both parties with unresolved feelings and/or unspoken truths. Hopefully, this guide to soft ghosting will help you to unerstand things a little better… and deal with them better, too.

Remember, the best way to avoid soft ghosting is to be brave enough to say what you really mean.

Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤

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