A Guy Who Wants to Be Your Guy

I’m in that place again. That place where I can’t think straight or gather my thoughts for long enough to write them down. My head has been clouded over by Someone New and, I need to be honest with you, I’m absolutely loving every moment of it.

Naughty with just the right amount of nice, he’s woken me in ways I absolutely needed. We haven’t stopped talking, now comfortably sitting in the territory of actual voice calls — voice-to-voice contact. We spent most of last night on the phone, him building furniture for his new house and me daydreaming, getting lost in the sound of his voice. I think we may be back here again, folks.

I think this might actually be something.

He told me I was too perfect for him and he was always trying to find the catch. I told him I was trying to figure out what’s wrong with him right back. I can’t help but think this might be a bad idea. It’s so soon after Jock isn’t it? Or is it? Surely I’ve grieved for him and our relationship enough by now? It’s not like he had any respect for me at the end of it. He was dating again before I’d even found out we had broken up, let’s not forget that.

I’m trying to be reserved with my feelings, really trying to hold back, but I don’t think I can. I don’t even think I want to. Irrespective of how long it lasts or what may happen along the way, surely I’m well overdue a few smiles and some fun times with a guy who gives me butterflies? Is it really so wrong to get a little carried away, already nervous for the first-night sleepover nerves that I’m pretty sure will happen? We’ve had a sneaky little insight into each other’s sexual minds even though we haven’t met yet (and he’s trying to be every inch the perfect gentleman), and from what I’ve seen so far, I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page. He told me he liked texture and wanted to play with silk scarves and feathers. I’m sure you’re already aware of my sexual association with the texture of various materials – rope, velvet, glass, metal, silk, feathers ….

It’s like he’s saying all the things I want him to say. He’s giving me just the right amount of sex to keep me interested, but not so much that I’m thinking it’s too soon or kinda gross. We send each other cute selfies throughout the day, and there’s not one thing about him I don’t like. His selfies make me smile, and not just a little smile; a big, beaming, cheesy grin that spreads right across my face. He told me I was beautiful and that he liked my dimples. And then he said the one sentence that flashed a great big warning across my daydreams:

“A guy who, from how things are so far, wants to be your guy”

We’ve been talking less than a week. Admittedly, we’ve been talking almost every minute of every day so far, and neither of us can wait for the other to text back. I’ve noticed that my ticks are blue right away whenever I send him a message. He’s actually sitting there, with the screen open and waiting for me to text back. Do you have any idea how good that feels? Especially after how difficult the communication became with Jock towards the end. Someone New loves to talk with great long messages and conversations that go on for days. It’s surprisingly refreshing.

Fuck. Here we go again. I know I get attached a lot, and quickly, but seriously, I really like this person. His personality is so beautiful, his sense of humour so funny, his heart so big, it all shines through in his cute little texts, rambling phone calls and silly little selfies. His positivity is infectious. I’m infected! I’m smiling as I write this and just between you and me: when I went to bed last night and fantasised about what it would be like to be in bed with him, I had a really great time!

Do you know what’s really interesting? I said pretty much the same exact things about Jock just a couple of days after chatting to him and I was right about him – he was going to be trouble for me, he did make me fall helplessly in love with him, and he did break my heart.

Jock gives me butterflies. I find myself looking for his texts. We’ve been talking for two days. This is bad. Very bad.

He’s getting hotter and hotter. Seriously, he’s just ticking all of my boxes.

Actually, now I’ve looked a little closer, I didn’t feel the same; I couldn’t wait to get Jock into bed and it’s not the same with my Someone New. With him, I’m not in a rush to get into bed, although I’m sure we’ll have NO problems when we get there. I’m excited to just meet him, hang out with him, be in his company. I genuinely just want to be around him. We’ve done the phone call now, it’s time to meet.

He told me he’d get really nervous about meeting me for the first time, and he’ll probably go blank and not be able to get words out. I suggested a Skype call before we actually meet. Great idea, eh? I’ll obviously do my hair and makeup beforehand because I don’t want him to see me looking a proper mess. But we’ll have a Skype date first because then it would be face-to-face and he wouldn’t have to worry about clamming up when we do physically meet. Perfection. I’m a genius. 

Oh, he told me something else too: when I told him I was trying to figure out what was wrong with him, he told me there was something he needed to tell me. [I FUCKING KNEW THERE’D BE SOMETHING!] After a bit of back and forth, him being too nervous and me telling him he had nothing to worry about, he eventually told me. His penis has a bend in it and one girl actually laughed and then left when she saw it. I told him he had nothing to worry about, that’s not really a thing I’m overly bothered about, and I even thought about sharing the secrets of my scars. But then I realised something: I don’t need to tell him. They’ve faded a lot now, and I don’t notice them quite so much. Maybe he won’t notice them? And if he does, we’ll have that conversation then. What’s the point in making a big deal about it if I don’t need to?

All of a sudden, life doesn’t feel quite so shit. It doesn’t feel like I’m going over a breakup. In actual fact, it hasn’t felt like that for a while. I’m excited, thinking positive, looking forward. Maybe it is too soon? Maybe I’m not really over Jock yet. Maybe my Someone New isn’t as great as I’ve made him out to be. Who cares? It’s gonna be fun finding out, right? 😉

𝕊𝕚𝕩𝕡𝕖𝕟𝕔𝕖 𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕖

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Featured image by Max Ducourneau on Unsplash