What to Do When You’ve Been Ghosted
Ghosting is shit; there’s no denying that. The person who does the ghosting seems to sail off into the sunset, living life without even so much as a blink of karma… all the while you’re crying your way through multiple boxes of Kleenex, damning yourself for ever having responded to their message. If you’ve ever wondered what to do when you’ve been ghosted, crying through multiple boxes of tissues is probably a better idea than 99% of the post-ghost ideas I’ve had.
Are you interested in learning more?
*flexes fingers*
Have you been ghosted?
Have you actually been ghosted, or have things just been super busy for that now-missing potential partner? It’s not unusual for me to put my phone down for hours at a time, so there’s every chance the ghoster has done the exact same thing.
If you’re fairly certain that you have been ghosted, it’s time to think about what to do next. You have options… but they aren’t always great ones. Any kind of reaction will likely be interpreted as an overreaction, and even your very best and most positive intentions will result in you looking like a crazed, bunny-boiling ex-partner, even when you’re not.
Let’s start with what you probably shouldn’t do when you’ve been ghosted.
What not to do when you’ve been ghosted
So, I don’t actually recommend reacting at all if you’ve been ghosted, and here’s why:
You have already lost the battle.
That person doesn’t like you anywhere near as much as they need to, to make a relationship work. So, what’s the point in pursuing it any further? They have already shown you how much (or how little) you mean to them. I mean, if they ghosted you, they didn’t even bother themselves to offer an explanation. They just disappeared.
Is that what you want?
If they did it once, they’ll do it again. Bear that in mind when deciding what to do next.
Screaming and shouting down the phone at them, or turning up outside their house, or slashing the tyres on their car… it’ll get you nowhere. Well, apart from a night in the local prison cells if you’re super unlucky.
Don’t bother sending a message. If you are going to send a message at all, do one to get clarity for yourself – nothing else. If they don’t reply, you’ll know that you’re wasting your time. If they do reply, you can go from there.
No reply is a reply, though.
It’s telling you that you’re not important enough for a reply.
And that’s not good enough for you.
(It should be, anyway.)
Don’t bother replying.
Don’t bother reacting.
Let them become someone else’s problem.
What to do when you’ve been ghosted
Getting ghosted is simply a rejection without all the words. You might not want to believe that, but it’s true. One study showed that 64% of people ghosted because they simply had no interest in carrying on with the relationship.
When you really like someone, you don’t ghost them. You contact them as much as possible, sending texts all throughout the day if you can. You don’t ignore their messages for days on end. You don’t not think about them. When things happen, you want to text them.
If you’re not the on the receiving end of those messages, you’re not the person they want to text – and that’s okay. They should’ve found a less shitty way of calling things off, but at least they’re no longer wasting your precious time. You’d have been wasting time on the wrong person by chasing them.
Here’s what to do when you’ve been ghosted:
1: Let yourself grieve
It’s fucking difficult to go from message someone one hundred times per day, to never again. It’s also really sad to have a future you once daydreamed about, stolen from you. That’s what it feels like when you get ghosted, right? There’s a whole load of confusion, a whole load of upset, and, if you’re anything like me, a truckload of tears.
Let yourself feel all of those emotions. You’re human, and you have a heart. (Unlike the person who ghosted you.) If you were emotionally invested in the situationship/relationship, of course it’s going to hurt like a motherfucker when it comes to an end.
Let yourself feel the things.
You are human. Feel every part of the sadness, anger, confusion, and more.
If you bottle it up and pretend you don’t feel a single fucking thing, it’ll explode out of you in an ugly and weird way.
Trust me.
Why do you think I have a blog where I over-share?
2: Don’t take it personally
You’ll want to take it personally when you’ve been ghosted, but you shouldn’t.
The ghoster doesn’t know you well enough to ghost you because they know you. They might have disliked something at face value, but again, that’s not your problem, is it? It’s something to do with them – the ghoster.
By all means take a minute to learn from the experience you’ve had, but don’t dwell on it. It’s probably not personal.
When you break ghosting down, in its simplest form, it is just another way for someone to say, “I’m just not that into you.”
They (not you) aren’t into you.
It’s nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.
AKA not personal.
3: If you want to say something, say it in a journal
Or on a scrap piece of paper that you can burn or recycle right after.
Don’t send the text. Don’t leave the long, rambling voice notes. The ghoster doesn’t give a shit about you, so you are wasting your breath and energy.
Imagine the person has said this, instead of ghosting you:
“I’m really not that interested in you, to be honest. It’s not personal. We’re just not well-suited.”
That’s how you should think.
And you should write those thoughts down in a journal (or similar) that no one else will see. There’s no point in telling the ghoster because they don’t care. If they did care, they wouldn’t have ghosted you in the first place.
Trying to talk to them is (usually) a big, fat waste of your time. They’ve already made their mind up, and they ghosted you.
Save your breath or write it down in place that the ghoster won’t see it. In my opinion, you shouldn’t give them the satisfaction of knowing how much they have upset you. What will it achieve? Nada.
4: Reflect on the “relationship”
You learn something from every relationship/situationship/whatever you find yourself in; although, that’s not immediately obvious. Read and reflect over what happened in the days leading up to the ghosting. Was anything out of the ordinary? Did the two (or more) of you fall out? Was there a disagreement of some sort?
Nine times out of ten, there won’t be a catalyst. No disagreement or argument. No sign that things might end abruptly.
But it would be foolish to say, it’s all their fault! It takes two to tango. No, it doesn’t take two to ghost, but if you did everything the other person said they didn’t want, of course they’re going to get rid of/ghost you.
Look back over the relationship with an open mind and a genuine heart.
Did you push them away, or were they a complete jerk?
Maybe, just maybe, it was fifty percent of each.
You might need to face the reality that you’ll never know – and that’s okay, too.
Closure is bullshit, anyway.
5: Manage expectations
If you have been ghosted, there’s a pretty high chance they won’t come running back with their tail between their legs. It’s probably not going to happen. You can hope for it to happen, sure… but don’t raise your hopes and expectations too high, only to have them dashed.
The last thing you need on top of your disappointment, is more disappointment!
Yes, you want them back.
No, you probably won’t get them back.
Yes, you probably want closure.
No, you’re probably not going to get that, either.
You see where I’m going with this?
Manage your expectations. The ghoster has already disappointed you, hurt your feelings, and not taken you into consideration at all. You can’t seriously expect them to live up to any of your other expectations, can you?
6: Make yourself the priority
You’ve been through something shit, so you should fill your life with lovely, nice, pretty things to counteract it. Spend some time loving yourself. The ghoster couldn’t love you the way you needed them to, but you can love yourself that way.
Pick up old hobbies or find new ones. Chat to friends. Hang out with your family. Meditate. Have a bath. Book a therapy session. Write a letter. Go on holiday. Book a spa weekend. Do whatever the fuck you want. Everyone else is. The ghoster did whatever the fuck they wanted. Maybe it’s time for you to start taking that same selfish approach, at least for a little while.
7: Don’t date again until you’re ready…
But if getting under someone else makes you feel better, damn straight you should do it.
Either way, don’t feel pressured. You don’t need to jump straight back on the apps. There’s nothing to stop you from taking a dating break just as you would with any other breakup. Getting ghosted is the same as being dumped, so give yourself the same grace, patience, and understanding.
As I’ve said before: you are human.
Let yourself feel all the things that a human would and give yourself the time to “get over” the ghosting experience.
8: Have a plan for “the return”
There’s a pretty good chance that, at some point, your ghoster will come back, leave a few breadcrumbs behind, smile as you enjoy those measly crumbs, then fuck right off and ghost you again.
That’s what they do. (In my experience, anyway.)
What are you going to do if they return?
If you block them now, you’ll never know if/when they come back. Ignorance is bliss. Some might say, this was the best option.
You could always wait for them to contact you and then block them… but how steely is your resolve going to be then?
Have a battle plan, just in case.
Recommended reading: Should I Give a Second Chance to Someone Who Ghosted Me?
What to do when you’ve been ghosted: summary
Being ghosted can be a confusing and frustrating experience, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. Remember, being ghosted is often more about the other person’s inability to communicate than anything you did wrong.
Give yourself permission to process your feelings, and don’t hesitate to lean on your support system or professional resources if you need them.
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
If you enjoyed this, I think you’ll probably like one or more of these, too:
- The Ex-Slut’s Guide to Ghosting & Getting Ghosted
- 21 Signs You’re Dating the Wrong Person
- I Dare You to Get Naked [spicy]
