Single (Here We Go Again)

April 28, 2025April 28, 2025 notsosexinthecity

It’s been a while since I’ve been single. More than a decade, in fact. I’d like to say that it’s strange being single, living alone, and having no one around to answer to or argue with… but it hasn’t been strange at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. I actually really love it.

Well, mostly.

Living on my own (my own, my own)

Living alone has been an eye-opening experience. I’ve enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. I’ve discovered that I like my own company a lot more than I like the company of others, too. It also became glaringly obvious that I was probably somewhere on the spectrum… as if it wasn’t already obvious (to everyone else) already.

In more ways than one, including my mental and physical health, living alone – the “single lifestyle” – has been a blessing in disguise. It didn’t feel like it at the time, of course, when I first made the move from there to here; but now, a couple of years down the line, I actually think I’m happier than ever.

I’ve never lived alone before. I’ve never thought myself capable of it – all the responsibility. Plus, new adventures seemed to pop up in front of me like a game of whack-a-mole. I bounced and drifted from one man to another, one adventure to another, one country to another – but never alone.

I have now lived alone for a little over three years.

Single

I’ve only been single for six months out of those three years of living alone. I waited for one man, then another. Made excuses. Held out. Was lied to, betrayed, and strung along. It never seemed to go my way. Ever.

I eventually said goodbye to the first chap. The second chap eventually said goodbye to me.

For a few weeks (cough, months, cough) I cried, sulked, and ate whole Easter eggs in bed whilst watching end-of-the-world movies. I felt very sorry for myself. The sorriest. Full of self-pity and loathing. I felt unlovable. Unfuckable. Unworthy of basic respect.

Then, one day, I was at a gathering with friends, and I started chatting to someone. I liked them. They seemed to like me. I enjoyed the coy smiles and light touches of my arm. It dawned on me: I could fuck them if I wanted to. (And they consented, obviously.) But I didn’t have to say no. I didn’t need to feel guilty about having a flirtatious five minutes with someone else.

I was single.

And I could do – or fuck – whomever I wanted.

That perked me up a bit, I won’t lie. I was ready for it, too. So damn ready. STI tests all done and negative. Sambuca had essentially preheated the oven, then fucked off before we got to the fucking part – but he’d awoken that part of me after I thought it had disappeared forever.

Here we go again

Am I ready to date again, though? I suppose, if I’m being completely honest, it’s not actually the dating part that I’m looking for: it’s the sex part. I just want sex.

Hi, how are you, fuck me, thanks, bye!

I’m not interested in small talk. It’s not like I’m in a rush to get married, settle down, and pop out a couple of sprogs. I don’t want any of that stuff. At all. I don’t care about it. I just miss sex. Intimacy. Perving over someone as they’re doing the dishes and filthy little in-jokes that make me blush in public. You know? I’m still too hurt and too raw for anything bigger or more involved than that, I think.

I guess that means I’m re-entering my slut era again?

Damn, I sure hope so.

I need to feel someone’s naked skin against mine again. I miss rolling over at night and feeling someone next to me, being able to feel them, move closer to them, enjoy them…

More than anything, though, I miss intimacy. Nakedness. Closeness. Fucks that start without a word and carry on all day. Making out on the couch instead of watching some crappy movie. Oh, I miss kissing. Fuck, I miss kissing.

Sigh.

How am I back here? How am I dating again? One thing’s for sure: I’m not going back on any kind of dating site or app. Nope. Absolutely not. I’d rather be single and celibate for the rest of my life, quite frankly.

Single.

Here we go again.

Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤

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