Relapsing.

I have no longer ‘relapsed’. I am ‘relapsing’. I know I’m doing it. I also know it’s probably a very bad idea. I’m doing it anyway. The Director. He’s back, for a while it seems.

He asked me to help him with the business stuff. You know, the stuff he ‘found someone else’ for? The thing that lead to our split? Yeah, that. Obviously the only response to this would be to tell him to fuck right off. Well, you’d think. Instead, like a total cunt, I said yes.

Why? Why did I do that? What the fuck is wrong with me? This is a guy who fucked with my emotions and apparently didn’t even realise. He fucked with my head, he took the piss out of me and he didn’t take me or my work seriously. But apparently he didn’t realise. So what do I go and do? I agree to helping him again. I feel like punching myself in the face.

Vagina – 1, Common Sense – 0. 

Smart move. Not.

The worst thing is I don’t even know which way this is heading. I don’t know if he’s asking me to come back and help, or if he’s asking me to come back, back. He keeps telling me he’s excited for our ‘meeting’ on Tuesday. It’s not a date, it’s a meeting.

But… Did I want to go to his? His cats would love to see me. That’s what he said.

It does make sense – his computer is at his house and that’s where all his business stuff is. But really? Does it have to be at his? If it’s somewhere else, anywhere else, there’s no worry about my clothes accidentally falling off and his penis accidentally going inside me. If we’re at his, it might happen. And he’s good at it too. Once he touches me that way, once he kisses me, that’s it. I’ll be fucked. All common sense and standing-my-ground goes out the window. I’m a sucker for a great kiss.

Plus, it’s a late-afternoon / evening date. If we’re going to his that’ll mean wine. Then I’ll have absolutely no will-power whatsoever. I mean come on, I slept with him on the first date. We both know what I’m capable of after a couple of glass of vino and honestly, I don’t mind that but I just want to know in advance. If he wants to get me in bed, I want to know in advance so I can be prepared with it and deal with the situation as I see fit. If it’s just a business-tung, tell me it’s just a business-thing and I’ll stop driving myself nuts. Just be honest about it… You know? He said he had feelings before. Could he just switch those feelings off?

He might not even want that. He might just want me to help with the business stuff. He’s still on POF, as am I, but he’s talking to me a lot too. More so then when dated for the most part! Today, we talked for a lot of the morning and some of the evening too. Yesterday, he was chatty for most of the night when I was trying to watch a film. He’s eager. But what’s he eager for?

This is such a bad idea. I know it is. Yet still, I can’t stop myself. Everything I wrote in the book, it’s all gone out the window. Everything. I’m going against everything I wrote and I hate myself for it. But I literally can’t help myself. I’m in total lust with this man. Or maybe it’s something more?

Lust + ?

Fuck! This guy really got inside my head. I have absolutely no will power when it comes to him and I really don’t understand why. So I choose to open the door to him again…

There should be a goddamn recovery program for fucking morons like me. The breakup recovery program – for those who know it’s a bad idea but go ahead and do it anyway.

Someone just slap me? Just wait ’til after I got laid though… K? 😉

*Judge away. I’m already judging myself.