Recovery.

I’m such a dick. Like, legitimately, the biggest dick in the world. You’ll be happy to know I’ve come to my senses in a roundabout kinda way. The Director, seeing him, helping him with his business stuff… It’s all a very bad idea. All of it. Even the slightest hint of him. I have genuine feelings for this man. I haven’t heard from him at all today and it has affected my mood a lot. I’m a grump. Quiet. Withdrawn. Tired. Pissed off. All of the above. It’s all in me. I’m short-tempered. I can’t be bothered with people. I can’t really blame him but he’s making me feel like shit and he doesn’t even know it. He’s not even aware of what he’s doing to me. He’s not even really doing anything at all.

God I’m such a dick.

He’s not thinking about me at all. He’s not asking me back, back. I’m just something to do, something to ease the boredom, something to fill a boring Tuesday night. The fact that I’m helping to boost his business is obviously a big part of it too. He’s getting everything and what am I getting? Nothing. Zilch. Zero. That’s what I’m getting. Sweet fuck all. Well, apart from two days of twisted emotions and a head I can’t seem to get straight. He’s fine, carrying on with life, not even thinking about me, not even remembering I exist. I’m sat here on a Sunday night in the same clothes I hastily shoved on this morning, wondering what the fuck I’m doing. Twisted, head all over the place, a mess. For a guy I dated for a couple of months? It’s nuts. I’m nuts. I’m acting nuts.

He’s online on POF. Permanently or so it seems. Or maybe it’s just because I stopped checking and now I’ve started checking again? Because he’s crawled back into my head again? I should have blocked him. I should have taken my own advice. Shoulda, woulda, coulda…

I’ve decided the best way out of this hole I’ve dug myself into is just to be honest. I’m going to tell him I can’t see him on Tuesday. I’ll send him what I’ve done so far work-wise but that’s it. That’s as far as it goes. I can’t run the risk of getting involved again and I’m a crazy girl – we love to get involved. I don’t want to work with him. In any capacity. I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I can’t be trusted around him. He’s not the guy for me. He’s not right for me. He’s gonna fuck with me. If I let him, he’ll get in and once he’s in, he’s gonna break my heart. I think I know what would be in store for us and I don’t think it would be good. For him, perhaps. For me, no.

So yeah. Clearly I need to cancel our “thing”. Meeting, date, whatever. Now I just gotta muster up some balls to tell him. Maybe I’ll just wait until he says something and then blow him out? Sorry, I have a meeting I can’t get out of. Or something like that? Ooooooh yes! And then I could say I didn’t think it was a good idea, us meeting, and then it would  all be over. Then I definitely should just block and delete. Definitely. 100%

I’ve come up with a plan! Maybe I’m not such a dick after all?