Reconnecting

Remember I said I needed to breakup with Someone New? Well, I tried. And failed. Fuck.

I said all the things I wanted to say to him. We had a weird conversation at 9am, while he was on his way to work and I was still grumpy in my bed, and all the things I probably should have said a slightly different way, came out of me in one go. Essentially, what I said to him was this:

“If I haven’t fallen in love with you by now, I don’t think I ever will.”

Well actually, I didn’t say that. That’s what I wanted to say to him. This is what I actually said:

“I worry that I’ve glossed over ‘us’. As though it wasn’t that important. Because if I’m honest, with everything else happening, you, it, us… It hasn’t been as important to me as it should have been. And I worry that I’ve left it too late. I have a habit of falling head first into stuff. I know from an early point yes or no. A man will either  be a big love story, or a passing phase. We’re so far into our relationship and I’m still trying to work us out. Normally, I’d have made my mind up by now. I’m trying to work out if I can see a future for us. Where I see it going. How I see it going. And I can’t see it. I can’t see where it’s going. And if I survive this fucking hell with all my woman parts still intact, I’m probably going to want to procreate. I’m probably going to want to get married again but I’m a girl. You don’t seem to want any of those things and it’s something that bugs me a lot sometimes. I know I don’t want all that right now, but one day, I’ll probably want it again. I don’t really see a point if you don’t really, and can’t see it happening. 

But that aside, I don’t want to keep being in this situation in six months time. I don’t want to be still working what’s happening or where I’m going. I don’t know if it’s because I have all this other medical crap going on and I’m just having a hard time with all that, but I’m really struggling. And I don’t really know if it’s fair for me to continue with you, with this, if I don’t know where my head is, or whether I see it going somewhere. I just don’t really know where my head is.”

That’s not all I said. A whole torrent of it came out. How much I didn’t know if he was enough to keep me occupied. I didn’t know if we had the same connection we had at the beginning. I didn’t know if I had enough time between health issues and working all the hours under the sun to fit him in, or whether it would be fair of me to keep expecting him to wait for me to.

Despite all of the shit that came out of my mouth, he accepted it. He still things I’m worth it. He idolises a couple of his friends, and they have a beautiful marriage with a beautiful little girl, happy family dog, etc. He wants their life, and he thinks he wants that life with me. He’s excited to find out how our future could go, and what may lay in store for us. His enthusiasm is infectious and before I knew it, I was on my way to his and we had another beautiful date where I forgot all the things I wanted to break up with him for.

He gets into my head. He listens to everything I say and then turns it all around so that it no longer makes any sense. He makes me come across irrational, and although I’m saying things I’m not. I don’t know how he does it, but he does it every time I falter for just a second. It’s as though he can sense my interest dissipating, and then comes up with some perfect paragraph or some beautiful gift to wow me back around again, and make me realise how much of a bitch I am for throwing away such an amazing man.

Because really, he is the most amazing man.

So for now, I’ve decided to give it the chance he thinks we need. He thinks we need reconnect so that’s what we’re doing – we’re reconnecting. Like the fucking bitch that she is, mother nature made her appearance the day before the date so there was no nookie for us, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t do other stuff, you know. We reconnected all right. I came, he came, I reckon we reconnected real good.

But do I feel as if we have reconnected? Is one date enough to even know that? We’ve made another date for a few days time. I guess time will tell – will I blow him out or not?