Lost, Confused & a Little Deluded.

I realised something today. I can’t write in my blog about things I would normally write about. I’m not blogging. I haven’t really been blogging. I think it’s because of The Dom. I think it’s because I know he’ll read it and some of it he probably won’t want to read.

Like the cute ‘skater boy’ who’s trying to chat me up. Or how much I actually did pine a little bit for The Director. I wrote like three blog posts about him but found myself deleting them afterwards simply because I didn’t know if The Dom would want to read them. I didn’t want to write about how a teeny-tiny part of me was a little disappointed by the negative result on that pregnancy test. Only the tiniest part but still, a part. Y’know? He’d hate to read that. I can’t even write about The Dom in the same way as I would write about the other guys. I KNOW him so if I write something down, it might hurt his feelings and I definitely don’t want to be responsible for that. I’ve taken a massive step back. Well, I’m trying to anyway. I’m finding it really tough because I genuinely like the guy… I just can’t get around that whole blog thing. And I can’t give up my blog. I’m miserable when I can’t write my rants down. I thought giving up The Director meant that The Dom and I would just kinda slip together. It didn’t happen like that.

I don’t know if I’m just post-breakup and needing to do my thing or… I dunno. Maybe I need decompression time? But it just feels really intense and it’s making me run in quite the opposite direction. I don’t even know why?! I’m trying to explain to him how I’m feeling and I can’t because I don’t understand it. Sometimes I want so bad to just jump on a train and go see him but then at others, it gives me the worst feeling. I can’t get over it. I certainly can’t seem to get around it. I keep bailing on every date we make to meet up. I just can’t get my shit together as far as that is concerned. I just think if I’m still not really sure, it’s not good news. I have a tendency to make my mind up pretty early. I think my indecision is by itself a decision.

What’s really frustrating is that I would like to have this man in my life in some way, I just don’t think friends is possible after how far we’ve come. But he’s a fascinating man and he makes me giggle and laugh every day. The way his mind works amazes me and at the very least, I would LOVE to be his friend. I just wish things were a little different. Timing perhaps? Or circumstance? I don’t know? But the thing I keep waiting to click into place isn’t clicking into place. Even I’m not nuts enough to think it’s acceptable to keep a guy ‘hanging on’ for something to click. Who knows how long I’ll leave him hanging? The decision to meet isn’t getting easier. In fact it’s just getting harder. I just don’t think it’s what I want. Or it is but the timing isn’t right. It’s hard to try and write it down when you’re struggling to understand it yourself. I don’t know if it’s a blog-barrier or a me-thing but it’s something. Clearly it’s something I can’t get my head around.

I just want things to go back to the way it was before when I didn’t need to think about the stuff I’m writing down. When a blog post didn’t take me a week to finish and even then I didn’t post it in the end anyway. I don’t know what I want. But I do know that I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Lost? Definitely confused. Perhaps even a little deluded. Who knows?