Is That All There Is?
So, apparently I’m single now. There was no fight, no chat, no grovelling, no apologies, nothin’. Shittest breakup I’ve ever had. That probably tells me everything I need to know really, doesn’t it?
He went to a makeup party with yet ANOTHER girl his mutual friends (and the child) had tried to set him up with a bunch of times before. Is there anyone in his circle of friends he doesn’t have “history” with? Jeez. I thought I was a slut. This guy is something else entirely. Anyway it was after I had seen yet another status and yet another bunch of Instagram photos of MY boyfriend having such great fun with a bunch of other women he may or may not have fucked that I lost the plot. I text him, our first message in two days, “When are you free for a chat?”
He tried to call me twice and I ignored his calls. He was running to my fucking schedule now. I’d been waiting for him all weekend, quietly getting angrier and angrier. He said he’d give me a shout later on. He never did.
The next morning I awoke in a furious, foul mood. I messaged him on Facebook. I literally couldn’t hold my shit together anymore. He had been winding me up more and more for days. I let it all out in a furious rant:
“Sorry to do this quite like this but I’m guessing there won’t be an appropriate time. And seeing as you had a date/ jam packed schedule, I kept trying to figure out a good time. Turns out, there’s not one.
This isn’t working. We have different ideas / outlooks on relationship and I just can’t see it working. I don’t think it’s fair to carry on. I wish you the best and I don’t want there to be any hard feelings, but there’s too much we’re not compatible with, and I’d rather put an end to it now before we get all fighty and mean. Or before I do anyway. There just seems to be a lot of things not going right for us, and when I say things to you, it’s like you don’t always take it on board. I wouldn’t want to change you, and I know it’s stuff that will be a big problem later on.
So rather than the angry fight, I’d like to part amicably. So I am.”
It’s not half the stuff I wanted to say. In fact, I’m not even sure why I wrote it quite like that. I was trying so hard to be diplomatic and take his feelings into consideration. It’s more than he deserves. He had no consideration for me. The way he responded was not quite what I expected:
“Errrrrr ok. Sad for it to be happening but I do care about you and do not want to fight.”
That’s it? Is that all there is? He didn’t even ask to find out more? He knew something was wrong… We hadn’t spoken for almost three days. How could he not know? He didn’t even care. He didn’t want to know more. That’s exactly what you want / expect when you break up with someone after eight months. “Errr OK”
He pissed me off even further when he offered to give back some of the gifts I’d given him. Fuck off you prick. At that point, I almost exploded with seething anger:
“No. And I’m not OK. But like I said, I don’t want to fight. Enjoy your bank holiday.”
And then a few minutes later:
“In fact, when are you free? Seeing as you’ve been too busy this weekend?”
He said he was working but he’d be free later. I don’t really know why I lied and said I was busy, but I did:
“This has already ruined my weekend. I don’t want it ruining today too. We broke up because you have no tact, you hurt my feelings, and you don’t care. You don’t show me the same consideration as I do you, as far as other people are concerned, and I have spent the entire weekend angry, frustrated and trying to cool down. I haven’t been able to and apparently you haven’t cared in the slightest. You had a godamn date!
Would you like me to go back and remind you of all the things YOU have said to me about Karrie? Would you like me to remind you of the impression YOU have given to me of her?
I’m not available tonight. Don’t worry about it. I’ve said my piece. I’ve been waiting for you all weekend. I cancelled my plans to surprise you. Then Saturday night you had a date with a woman that has no issues breaking up a marriage, a girl you have already told me can’t be trusted in the same room as you alone and therefore you arrange all “dates” to be around your parents, and then Sunday night you were with another girl who I’m also pretty sure you’ve told me you were tried to set up with at some point. Either way, I can’t keep up.
Let’s just leave it at that. I don’t wanna string this out over another couple of days.”
He never once apologised to me. Not once. He said that he wasn’t doing it on purpose, and that it mattered to him that I felt the way I did. But still not one single apology. He didn’t once say he was sorry for the things he did, or the way he had made me feel. Not once. I asked him I he felt his behaviour had been acceptable and he ignored it, so I asked persistently a second time.
“No. Not from the way it made you feel. That was not my intention.”
Yet still no apology.
“Maybe you’ll learn for the next one,” was my last parting shot to him.
“I wanted anything but this, sorry I ruined what we had.”
And that was it. See he apologised but he didn’t really, did he? He was sorry that he ruined what we had. He wasn’t sorry for the way he had hurt me, or ruined three days of my life, or made me feel like a complete piece of shit. He didn’t apologise for the way this dilemma has tore me apart. He wasn’t sorry that I realised I gave more of a shit than I thought I did. And yes, despite being not as into him as I’d have liked, it turns out his behaviour actually really hurt my feelings. I was shaking with anger at times. He provoked such a reaction out of me. Wasn’t that all he wanted from the start? That’s what I thought anyway.
But seriously though, is that all there is? Is that really all I was worth to him? I know I’ve thought he wasn’t right for a long time but did I really deserve for that bullshit to have been played so publicly right in front of me? Did he really give that little a shit that “Errrr OK,” was the best he could come up with? He didn’t even try to fight for me. He didn’t even ask me what was wrong. He literally didn’t give a shit. Zero shits. None. Zilch.
I guess I was right about him. I’d had bad vibes from him for a while but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong. I still don’t really know what’s wrong but I know this – I’m not important enough in his life for my liking. If he could go on a date with a woman he said THAT many bad things about right in front of me, I dread to think of what else he does without thinking or not giving a shit.
I do this know much though – I’m not foolish enough to stick around and find out!
But seriously, is that all there is?!?
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
Read all about Someone New, the full chapter, right here.
If you’re in the market for something a lil’ spicier, why not check out one of my smutty favourites:
