HPV Negative

June 30, 2022March 21, 2025 notsosexinthecity

Folks, I had good news. Great news, actually! After years of being HPV positive, I have finally tested HPV negative. I’m talking about the high-risk types of HPV here – the ones that cause cervical cancer, not the ones that cause genital warts, herpes, etc.

Not that there’s a good or bad type of HPV, obviously; one’s just considerably more dangerous than the other for the likes of cervix-bearing folks like me.

Anywho, it’s bloody good news.

HPV positive

I first tested positive for high-risk HPV back in 2015. I’d gone for my smear test, not worrying in the slightest. Then, I got the dreaded letter:

You need a colposcopy.

It scared the shit out of me back then, and then again, the second time around. A second bad smear. A second bad colposcopy. LLETZ.

It wasn’t a great time for me. Around the same time, I’d also found out that I had pre-cancerous polyps on my bowel as well as the pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. The bad luck just loves me. It really does.

After several rounds of bad luck I sunk into a pretty deep depression, which, in turn, meant that I neglected all health appointments. I didn’t bother registering with a new GP when I moved. I didn’t keep up with any overlapping appointments. I just didn’t bother. I didn’t care all that much if cancer killed me. It would be a lot easier than trying to hang myself. Or y’know, whatever.

Catching up

Eventually, I moved closer to my support network, registered with a doctor, started antidepressants, and chased up outstanding medical stuff – my smear being just one part.

I was absolutely convinced that my smear would be bad. Bad cells, colposcopy, more LLETZ… or worse… a hysterectomy. Maybe even full-blown cancer instead of a close brush with. I wound myself up like you would not believe. Anxious poops. Crying as I brushed my teeth. Breathing deep before I walked out the front door. The lot.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought. It never is, really. I live-blogged it (after consuming an herbal substance. Don’t come for me,) and you can find that right here: I Got High and Live-Blogged My Smear.

And, thankfully, the letter with Big News landed on my front mat in just a couple of weeks. You get used to the long, white envelopes that contain Big News from hospitals and doctors after a while. Even after all these years, though, my heart still flutters when I see it. And, just like all the other times, I went through the same routine:

See it.

Gasp.

Pick it up.

Put it on kitchen counter.

Boil kettle.

Make coffee.

Head to office with coffee and letter.

Drink half of the coffee whilst anxiously bouncing my leg.

Eventually tear open the letter…

HPV negative.

The letter says, “HPV negative!”

Well, that’s never happened before.

I was grinning from ear to ear when I ran to show my mother, and I carried on grinning for the rest of the day, long after my cheeks started aching from all the cheekin’.

I no longer have high-risk HPV, or any kind of HPV for that matter. I no longer have a sexually transmitted infection that’s not really a sexually transmitted infection, that could and did go on to cause cancerous changes to the cells of my cervix. Twice.

I’m free.

I don’t have to explain my sexually transmitted infection-but not to new partners; although, there’s every chance that one of them will give it right back to me.

It, the virus, has gone.

It’s taken ten years, numerous smears, a handful of colposcopies, and a couple of LLETZ procedures, but I’m finally free.

It feels really fucking good, folks.

Thanks so much for reading my blog today!