Every Now and Then…
Every now and then, Jock sneaks into my thoughts, you know? I’ve been trying to keep myself super busy recently. I’ve taken on loads of writing work. I’m actually finishing stuff too. I’ve downloaded some new games and I’ve geeked out for hours. My ‘urgent’ within two week referral is booked for the 26th February and I’m off work again for ANOTHER month. Christ this shit is simply never-ending. I have far too much time on my hands.
I’m doing OK. I’m not crying or being sad. It’s tough though. Really tough. Mundane crap just reminds me of him all the time. That fucker really did break my heart. I keep having this little day dream that he comes back into my life somehow, admitting he’s made a huge mistake. I never know how the dream ends. I realise I’m thinking about him and I snap myself out of it.
Bestie and I were watching shooting stars at 3am one morning in the back yard, hot water bottles shoved up the front of our jumpers, huddling together like dumb penguins staring up at the sky. God knows what the neighbours thought. A huge shooting star leapt across the sky right in front of both of us and I almost cried. A huge gulp got stuck in the back of my throat and I had this searing pain across my heart. Like an actual pain! It reminded me so much of when Jock and I went star-chasing, fairly early on in the relationship. Sat in the middle of this massive field, staring up at the sky in the middle of the night. It was pitch black. Just the stars above us and each other’s arms to keep warm. We fucked in the back of his car that night. It was amazing.
I just read it. And it made my heart hurt. And a little tear or two came out. I shouldn’t have read it. Why did I do that? So dumb. That was before we’d even said, “I love you.” I love this blog so much but at the same time, going back and reading about times I was much happier with a man I now cant allow myself to think about is gut-wrenching, and stupid.
I really fell for him too fast and too hard. I jumped right into it with both feet. Looking back now, I was trying to play it so cautiously, I don’t even know what happened. One minute I still had him at arm’s length and we were sailing along just fine and the next, we were fucked. I have no idea how that happened.
I knew he was going to pop into my mind sometimes. I just didn’t realise it was going to be all the time. I’m still getting those daily reminders of him. Every day something happens. I’ve learned not to take them as ‘signs’ now, but it doesn’t stop the mind from drifting. I put the bears we had won at the fair in the bag for charity. The little robot stuff toy that he tried to win for me, failed, and eventually I ended up winning for myself, the second one he tried to win for me and failed… I got ANOTHER letter from his new job asking me to be a reference. That’s the second one now. The last conversation we had, he told me he was going to change that so I wouldn’t be contacted again. Why hasn’t he just done it? Why are they still contacting me?
It’s really difficult to get over someone when the universe doesn’t want you to. I’m getting there though. Slowly but surely, the days are getting easier. I’m not ready to move on yet, but I’m no longer in the manic-depressive crying phase. That’s got to be a good sign, right?
Wanna know a secret? I still get those thoughts. But whenever I do I counteract them with thoughts of times he hurt me (and there were plenty, and I know you have plenty too). And then remember – the happy time was with a person that never existed. But the feelings I felt and the things we did – they were real, and they were down to me and me alone, because he was a passenger, just along for the ride. You’ll feel those feelings again for a real person one day – one who doesn’t push you to jump in before you are ready, one who gives you time to get to know him first (Jock didn’t dare do that, because if you knew him you would have run). Jock can never feel those feelings – he has to rely on others to do that for him. He’s the one who should be sad. And he probably will be – don’t be surprised if he turns up promising you the earth and saying all the things you’ve always wanted to hear. But that’s all it will be – cos words are cheap and so is Jock. Always remember you are well out of it, and your future self will thank you for your strength. And the thoughts get less and less painful as time goes on, until eventually, like now for me, they are just a reminder to never be so careless with my heart again. xx
I keep wondering what I’ll do if he were to turn up on my doorstep but thankfully, I don’t think that will be an issue. He’s not that kinda guy. He couldn’t do the big romantic gesture when we were together, let alone now we’re apart. He’s probably loving single life. I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again. It’s easier. I much prefer it that way now 🙂