Case of the Ex, Pt. 2: The Accidental Brown Eyes-Shaped Hole

Well, where was I? I literally have about 20 almost-finished blog posts here, all stacked up. Stuff I’ve written on my phone, or on my iPad, or on my Mac. I need to actually put them together into a blog post at some point, and I’m starting that right now. I’m sorry I’ve been so absent. In my defence, there was a death and then a funeral, I basically moved in with Bear and then I went back home again, I had to hang out with my family … Y’know. Life. Good life, mostly. Well, apart from the death stuff. But it makes a nice change.

I guess I should start with what happened after Case of the Ex. I did email Brown Eyes, just like I said I was going to, and this is what I said:

There seems to be a little confusion here, so I thought I would shoot you an email back and let you know what’s going on. No, you don’t deserve a response, not after the way you treated me, but I am a good person therefore I will take the time to explain the situation. Simply, in a way that you’ll hopefully understand this time.

You and I – we are over. We were over a long time before we were actually over. I shouldn’t have gone back to you all those times I did, so I can tell you once and for all that there is absolutely zero chance of a reconciliation. Not now, in the future, ever.

The older, softer, camper guy is called *Bear*, and he’s awesome. We are very happy together, absolutely “head over heels,” no pretence about it. He says hello, by the way, and he also respectfully requests that you stop emailing me. Whatever opinion you have of him, bringing him into this – an argument that you’re having by yourself – is not acceptable. Leave him out of it.

What I get up to with my life – where I live, who I choose to live with, what tattoos I get – is none of your concern. Perhaps if you focused a little more on your own life, and a little less on mine, you’d be a lot happier and wouldn’t make such ridiculous decisions. The reason I’m “basically doing with him what we sat and talked about doing” is because that’s what I wanted, and still want, from life. I am looking for a man who I can settle down with, live with, get married to, have children with. You were aware of that. You are NOT that man. That has been made very obvious. Repeatedly.

If you are waiting for me to change my mind, you’ll be waiting for a long time. It’s not going to happen. Whatever deluded perception you have of this, us, me, whatever we had, it’s just that – deluded. I don’t know what has given you the idea otherwise. I blocked you, and that’s the way you will stay. I ignored your friend’s message, and then blocked him too. I would imagine you’re going to tell me you didn’t know about that. Either way, I don’t care. I don’t want you, or anything to do with you, in my life. I don’t want you to know about my life either. You lost that right. That’s why you are blocked.

I’m glad you’re getting help for your problems. I hope it helps you in the future with other relationships. But it won’t ever benefit me, or us. I did my fair share of banging my head against a brick wall when I dated you, and I’m not stupid enough to do that to myself all over again. The things you said and did to me were disgusting. You are vile. You knew that kind of behaviour would have a shelf life with me, yet you went ahead and did it anyway. You met the end of your shelf life. What did you seriously expect would happen?

It took you six months to email me, and then when you did, you didn’t even bother saying the word “sorry” once. You are self-centred. You are selfish. You are everything I’m NOT looking for in a man. You’re not what I want. When are you going to get that into your head? This isn’t a game of cat and mouse, I’m not playing chase, I just do not want you.

I would very much prefer it if you could keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. I’m not interested. Do not email me again. Do not contact me again. I have nothing more to say to you.

I had to. I had to say those things. I wanted to say those things for a start, but more than that, I think he needed to hear them. It felt like we were playing this dumbass game of cat and mouse, and I was getting a bit sick of it. I needed to put an end to it, and the whole block-and-ignore mission hadn’t worked in the slightest. He just wasn’t going away.

That was at 11pm. When I woke up the next morning, there were three emails waiting for me in my inbox. The first was sent at 03:36am.

The second was sent at 04:43am.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that we’d basically moved in together already. I really wanted to, but what would have been the point? I wanted to tell him that I was so happy with the guy that I never wanted to leave his house, and that I’d actually been staying there for weeks at a time. I wanted to tell him that I was so sure about this ‘fella’ that I was willing to move in with him so soon. Not to spite him, but because Bear makes me feel great, rather than making me feel like a piece of shit all the time. But what would have been point? He would have emailed back with an even more abusive set of drivel, I would have inevitably got upset at some point, and Bear would have lost his shit.

The third email was sent at 06:23am.

Wow. That’s dedication. He’s obsessed.

Just a couple of points – They look NOTHING alike. One’s short, the other is tall. One’s slender, the other has a dad bod. One has dark hair, the other has no hair. One has a beard, the other can’t grow a beard. They don’t dress alike. They don’t have the same sense of humour, smile, laugh, build, style, anything. The only thing they have in common is that they both have tattoos. Oh, and brown eyes. Ironic.

I haven’t had a single tattoo that Brown Eyes and I discussed getting. The tattoos I have gotten have been completely spur of the moment ones, and absolutely nothing to do with BE in the slightest. Also: I haven’t taken Bear to a single place that Brown Eyes and I went together. The guy is a fucking nut job.

The good news is I haven’t heard from him since his final three emails to me. For a while I thought that might have been the end to it all. I said what I had to say, I cleared everything up. I made damn sure he knew that we had zero chance of a reconciliation. He did his angry bit, but then he’d left me alone. There were a couple of Instagram posts, but nothing really major, and he deleted them after a few days.

But then something else happened. Bear and his big, fat clumsy thumbs happened. He stalked him. He didn’t just stalk him, he accidentally liked one of his photos. That’s what he told me but I’ve been thinking about this. I’m wondering if he did it on purpose.

I think he feels like he hasn’t done enough to “save” me from my crazy ex-boyfriend, and I know you  all think it’s my fault because I should have been more guarded with the information I shared with him. I did try. I wasn’t emotionally slutty on purpose, it just happened to come out that way. He saw something in my eyes when I spoke about past relationships, and you know how that stuff just has a habit of coming up when you’re in the first flourishes of romance with someone new. He asked more questions, I didn’t want to lie to him, so I just told him the truth. There you go, I’ve accidentally been emotionally slutty and it’s biting me right in the ass now.

It might have been an accident, but there is some part of me that wonders if he’s doing it – the accidental liking – because he’s spoiling for a fight. I know he thinks I’m “protecting” Brown Eyes, when all I’m really doing is telling him to ignore the little cretin. I made him promise not to email him after Brown Eyes sent the first email, and then again after the second lot of three. He’s starting to think I’m protecting the ex, when all I’m really trying to do is prevent them from ever clashing. Because I don’t think it would be pretty if they did. I think that BE would end up in hospital, and Bear would end up in prison. I don’t want to be responsible for either.

I’ve never been with someone quite as volatile as Bear, and I’m worried I’m not handling stuff in the best way. I shouldn’t have been as honest with my answers as I was, but he shouldn’t have asked the questions either. I’ve got him reined in for now, but I’m worried I’m not going to have a handle on him forever. He told me he’d already un-liked the picture, and that he’d blocked him, but then a few hours later he told me that Brown Eyes had updated his Instagram once again with a new post, and that he’d also added a new profile picture that was clearly directed at me (probably for Bear’s benefit now he knows the guy’s looking). I asked Bear why he’d had a second stalk even though we’d agreed not to look anymore (or even think about him), and he said it was to block him. But why? He told me he’d already done that earlier on?

It’s like I’ve dug this massive accidental Brown-Eyes-shaped hole, and now I don’t know how to get my ass out of it. I’ve forgotten about him, ignored his emails, erased all memory of his existence, and then Bear goes and likes his latest fucking Insta-snap. I don’t understand why he was even looking, which brings me right back to the point I tried to make earlier about him doing it on purpose. I think he’s looking for that fight because he didn’t get to have it before.

So, yeah. I’m fucked. I’m now waiting for the inevitable blow-out, because there’s no way Brown Eyes wouldn’t have seen it. He always had Instagram notifications before, and I also know that the notification will be on his phone-screen regardless of whether Bear quickly un-liked or not. I’ve caught enough stalkers in my time, and I’ve also been caught myself.

Any and all advice will be gratefully received because I don’t have a clue how to deal with this now.

• To read all about Brown Eyes, click here.
• To read all about Bear, click here.
• To follow me on Twitter and keep up with my shit-storm life, click here.