Bear.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! I don’t know how I do it – I have these AMAZING great first dates. And in a world where bad dates are the norm, these good dates are something else. SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY! 

In case you hadn’t already figured it out, I am fucking excited.

We went to the Big City – a halfway (ish) point between his and mine. I was petrified about the journey. Public transport is a big issue for me, especially long journeys, and even more so if I’m all by myself. I get lost a lot. And then I panic. And then it’s a shit show. I hate big crowds too. Technically it was the WORST first date idea ever, especially when you throw his schizophrenia into the mix, and the fact that big crowds and stupid people are his biggest triggers …

It wasn’t the worst date ever though. It was the BEST date ever, and my first date with BE took some beating.

We’d gone back and forth over a day to meet for a while, both of us eager to take the next step but something always getting in the way. But Thursday we woke up, had nothing else to do, and decided to meet. A train, a metro and a very nervous pee later, I was waiting outside the tube station, trying not to glare at the steps where he should soon be appearing.

I busied myself texting my mother to let her know I’d survived the journey alone, and mid-text his face appeared on the screen. As I answered the call, I looked around and I saw him. I had the upper hand here so I abused it. I kept him talking for a minute, taking him in, giving myself a moment to figure him out before we had that awkward first-meet moment. I liked what I saw. I really liked what I saw. He turned around and spotted me wearing my goofiest grin, and his face beamed. For such a thug he has the most adorable smile. I’m actually laughing out loud as I write this, and my cheeks are hurting from way too much smiling. (And, for the record, I took twenty minutes out of writing because he called me. Now my cheeks are hurting even more. Swoon.)

He’s missing a tooth. Okay there I said it. But it’s so cute! It gives him this fucking brilliant cheeky smile in the middle of that serious and angry, gruff face. He won me over with that killer smile. I thought I was all about straight white pearlies … Apparently not.

The next thing I noticed was his height. I think he might be shorter than what he told me, but he’s still taller than I am so it’s all cool. And then I noticed his smell. Fuck me, that smell. He wears Davidoff Cool Water but it doesn’t smell like Davidoff Cool Water on him because I don’t like the fragrance. Big Love wore it and I hated it. A guy I worked with wore it and I hated it. I just can’t stand it. But on him … fucking hell. I’m definitely a smell-girl, and it’s getting worse as I get older too, but his smell was actually intoxicating. Punch-drunk on Cool Water. My t-shirt still smells of him a little bit from where he had his arm around me, or we were hugging, or he was just touching me, and now I don’t want to take it off. I started to do laundry this morning and as soon as I threw the shirt in the basket, his smell hit me. So I did what every besotted little tramp does – I took it out the laundry pile and put it back on. And then I went back to bed and dreamed of what he could be doing to me on lazy Saturday mornings …

It’s his smell. Love at first sight – it might be a smell thing. Or perhaps a smell and a smile? Not that I believe in love at first sight. Nor am I in love. Lust though? Yup, I’m definitely in lust. But it’s not just that. He turns me on immensely, especially with those huge veiny arms that I literally couldn’t keep my hands off, but it’s not just that. He makes me feel safe. He made me feel safe, grabbing my little hand in his huge (but very soft) bear-hands and leading the way around the crowded streets.

And that gives my Mr. Schizophrenia his name – Bear. I can’t stand ‘Mr. Schizophrenia’ and the more I get to know him, the more I realise that his condition is just the tiniest part of what he’s about. I really like him. Not in a I-want-to-get-carried-away way like with BE, but in a I-really-enjoy-being-around-him way. I LOVE being in his company. I LOVE holding his hand and letting him lead the way. I won’t go as far as to say that there weren’t any awkward moments on our eight hour jolly around the Big City, but we laughed them off and had the most wonderful time. And we really did. We had our first kiss 135 metres in the air surrounded by a 365 degree view of the most beautiful city in the world. Because it’s MY city. Home. Well, ish. I’ve always loved it. I get ridiculously excited every time I get to visit it. And then yesterday happened.

After the seriousness and craziness of BE, Bear is a breath of fresh air. He’s fun, caring, protective, and totally unaware of how good a person he is. He has the worst opinion of himself, but I saw none of those bad things he told me about. Yesterday was better than I ever could have anticipated, not just because of the date but because of all of it. I overcame my anxiety with the whole journey business and not only made it there in one piece, but home again too. And I didn’t freak out one bit. I survived those big crowds of people, and I even survived being 135 metres in the air despite my serious dislike of heights. I didn’t just survive it either – I enjoyed it. All of it. And that wasn’t just because of him because he wasn’t there for the journey, I did that by myself.

And the best thing of all? Everything is totally honest, innocent, naive almost? We have no illusions, no expectations – we’re just going to keep going until one or the other discovers something they don’t like. He’s not interested in anyone else, I’m not interested in anyone else, but there’s no pressure, no labels, no … stress? I don’t know the right words. But he knows that there’s a very definite age difference between us, and he has three kids, and he has that condition … plus I’m aware of how not-good I handled BE’s [undiagnosed] crazy. There’s a lot that *could* go wrong. I think we’re just being realistic. Not letting ourselves get carried away. It’s actually wonderful to do things at a decent pace after the speed BE chose to zoom through the big relationship milestones.

But Bear … he’s lovely. I can’t wait to see him again.