Thursday

Written on Thursday 5th as the name suggests. I’m just super behind with the whole posting business because of sickness / hair dyeing / general fabulousness. 

Do you ever angrily write half a blog post and then realise it’s pointless, has no point and you don’t even know where it’s going? That’s what keeps happening the last few days. I keep half-writing angry blog posts about the fucking douchebag who broke my heart, but halfway through I realise it’s pointless. He changes his mind so often, by the time I’ve finished a blog post, he’s already changed his thoughts / tact / opinion so then I’d just need to write another one. I did say keeping up with him was hard work. In fact, exhausting was the word I used I think. (See: He Always Wakes Up Early)

This morning I woke up to five heart-wrenching voicemails. I’ve blocked him but, for the record, if you block someone’s number they can still leave you messages, you’ll still be notified of them, and they’ll still crush your heart. I probably should have just deleted them.

I don’t know if you’re getting my messages. I don’t know how phones work. I know I’m blocked though. I deserve that. I’m hoping you’ll still get these messages anyway. My phone’s right next to me, it’s on loud, please call and talk, say whatever you need to say. 

You’ve chased me enough, I know that. It’s my turn to do the chasing. And I will. I’ll keep chasing. 

I can’t leave you alone. Please talk to me. That’s all I want. I’m an asshole, I know. But please talk to me. 

Ok, I’m definitely chasing now. Or harassing. I don’t know? 

Every girl I’ve dated before has hurt me. I know you’re not every other girl but we’ve all got baggage, haven’t we? I know I pushed you away, I shouldn’t have done that. I love you so much. This is driving me nuts. I wish you were here. I wish you’d talk to me. I love you. 

Please talk to me. I’m panicking. I’m so sorry for being difficult. I misbehaved, I don’t want to lose you. Please talk to me. I’m so sorry. 

I’m so sorry. What have I done? I’m such an idiot. I’m just so sorry. 

After I didn’t get back to his voicemails, he then sent Facebook messages.

“I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for thinking you were like all the other girls who have hurt me. I really have fallen for you badly and I’m scared of getting hurt when I shouldn’t be. I want to put away the past that’s made me feel this way, I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. I’ve only myself to blame. I’m truly sorry Kitten :(“

“Morning gorgeous. I’m not giving up on you. Please talk to me baby, please!” 

“I’m starting to worry that I’m going to get an injunction slapped on me. I’m not a cunt. I don’t want to hurt you. I just want you to be happy :(“

Everything went quiet for a while before he then went on another message rant, grumbling about how hard he was trying to sort things out whilst I was intent on sitting around with the hump, wasting time. I decided to ignore his messages yet again and go to bed. I’ve been feverish the last few days, very under the weather.

When I woke up, I had another torrent of messages saying how he was sick of us trying to do this via message and he’d tried his best to say sorry and work things out. He’d apologised and admitted his flaws, how he’d compared me to the girls of his past, but he wasn’t going to do that again. Despite that I was still hell bent on punishing him, ignoring him. He then went off on some garbled rant about how he couldn’t get hold of me and I’d lied about blocking him or something equally ridiculous and with that, I was blocked again. ‘This person has opted not to receive messages from you at this time’.

I quickly unblocked him (iMessage / calls) to send him one final text, just to make sure he’d really get the message this time. Do not call me. Do not text me. I’m sick of this bullshit. Leave me the fuck alone. And with that, I made sure he was blocked on every single form of communication, changed some social media settings so he couldn’t find any other way to contact me, and went back to sleep.

Job done. He can’t contact me now. This is all starting to really piss me off. I thought this block / unblock business was something you did when you were like 12, not 42. What made it worse was that just to get a couple of hours sleep when I was sick, I needed to play the same chase-and-block games. He blocks me on Facebook so I can’t block him. He then unblocks me to send me a load of verbal diarrhoea and blocks me again before I have a chance to see my phone, respond, or block him to finally put a stop to it. It’s fucking ridiculous. It’s actually fucking ridiculous. I’m sure you can only unblock and block once every 24 or 48 hours, which gives you some idea how long this poxy game has been going on for.

But this time, this time I got there first. He hadn’t blocked me on Facebook, he’d just stopped me from sending him messages. (Must Google how to do that.) So I blocked him. Once the fuck-you and leave-me-alone text had been sent, I blocked him. He’s already blocked on WhatsApp and Instagram. I think I’m good now. Apart from those voicemails but I’m sure even he’ll get bored of doing that eventually.

I’m just praying he doesn’t turn up at the door!

What a Thursday! I barely even got out of bed.