That Time I Cheated
I try not to have regrets, but one of the biggest regrets of my life is that time I cheated on The Fireman. It was a terrible move, done for reasons I can’t explain, and it started the downfall of a relationship that I actually wanted to last forever.
How it started
Fireman and I been together for around eight or nine months when Goth Boy sent me a text message, totally out of the blue.
“Hey, I’m home for the weekend. Fancy a drink and a catch up?”
I knew it was wrong when I replied, “Yes.”
I also knew it was wrong when I lied to Fireman about where I was going.
I continued to know it was wrong when I showered, shaved, and did the full date ritual – but I did it all anyway. Why? Probably boredom. Things were going so well; I had to find a way to fuck it up. That’s just what I do.
I also thought that Goth Boy and I had a chance to get back together. At the time, I thought he was “the one,” and I’d have jumped at the opportunity to try again, even if it meant hurting Fireman.
The bar
Goth Boy and I went to the bar that I’ve met so many men in, and we slowly but surely got drunk. We played pool, reminisced about times gone by, and pondered about what might’ve happened if those cheating rumours hadn’t spread and/or I hadn’t jumped into bed with his best friend. (That’s another of my huge fucking regrets, but for a different reason.)
Before I knew it, it was kicking out time.
Goth Boy didn’t ask me to go home with him. I didn’t ask him to take me home, either. It was like an unspoken agreement; both of us knew exactly what would happen next.
That’s what I told myself.
The sex
You know how some things are better left unsaid? Well, some fucks are better left un-fucked, too. Our sordid night was nowhere near as amazing as I’d always remembered our sex life to be, but then again, I hadn’t exactly had a lot of practice then, had I?
Clumsy, awkward, fumbling around like we didn’t know each other… it was brutal. You’d never have guessed that we’d been sleeping together for the best part of a year. I didn’t come. It took him forever to come because he’d been drinking.
All in all, a terrible fucking night…
Which I then repeated, a couple of weeks later, like the horrible little cunt I was.
The journal
I probably would’ve gotten away with my nights of non-passion with Goth Boy… if I hadn’t written the whole thing in my journal, which Fireman, of course, then read.
Fireman looked at me with the most hurt look in his eyes. I remember that look to this day. I don’t think it’ll ever leave me. It broke me, that look. Before, he’d looked at me with such love and adoration, always with the hint of smile, if not a full beamer.
Now, though, his eyes were different. Dark. Angry. Sad. Disappointed. Shocked. All of the above, and then some.
“You fucking cheated on me?” he hissed. “With him?!”
I tried to defend myself, apologise, explain… but Fireman wasn’t having any of it. I didn’t and still don’t blame him. I cheated! How could I do that to him? It wasn’t even worth it.
Fireman packed up all of my stuff, dumping it into garbage bags, then throwing it out onto the street. Literally. I scrambled to collect my spilled-out belongings, tears streaming down my face, him telling me how much of a slut I was, all the while.
That time I cheated: what I learned
I thought the grass was greener on the other side when I slept with Goth Boy behind The Fireman’s back… twice. I didn’t know it then, but what I now know proves just how ridiculous that choice was:
I didn’t love Goth Boy. Nowhere close. He’s just a footnote in my dating history now. Another tale to tell. Back then, I thought we might get married and live happily ever after.
The Fireman, on the other hand, was a core-shaker of a love. It changed me. I loved that man deeply, from the very bottom of my heart. I’d have buried bodies for him. Walked across the country for him. Swam all the oceans in the world for him.
I had things all the wrong way around back then.
I really regret that time I cheated.
The next blog post in the dating time is this one: I Just Took It.
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
You can read all about The Fireman, from start to finish, right here.
If you’re in the market for something else to read, why not take a peek here:
