I woke up this morning and decided that my life would be insanely easier if I were a Disney princess. For a start, I act like a princess already. Secondly, our lives aren’t so different. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a closer look.

Cinderella

Well, she was all about the shoes and I’m all about the shoes. She got drunk and left her shoes behind and Prince Charming went through all the girls in the land trying to find the right foot to fit that glass slipper.

Jock went as cute as Prince Charming with my glass slipper but it hardly went according to plan, did it? The shoe thing was a great idea but it’s not finished and now its just sat on my dressing table acting as a constant reminder of how close our relationship is to being on the edge.

He can’t muster up enough strength to show me the big romantic gesture I really want. Even now we’re talking (another story for another time), it’s still not enough. There are no fireworks. There are no gestures. Zilch. If I were a Disney princess, he’d be working a hell of a lot harder to keep me and I would be having a much easier time.

Plus I’d have glass slippers. I’ve always wanted glass slippers. And I’m blonde. So obviously I want to be Cinderella. And I look totally adorable in baby blue.

Snow White

Right, seriously. For a start she had a bunch of woodland creatures to help her clean her shit up. If I had those in my life, I’d have much more time. I put cleaning off until it’s so bad, I don’t have a choice but to do it. I need woodland-cleaning-creatures.

Secondly, she has seven dwarves. I’ve got a Bestie and he’s basically all seven of those dwarves wrapped all up in one.

The difference between us – her guy kissed her to wake her up and I can’t get mine to have sex with me. Ha! Go figure! He’s the middle-aged, greying, fat guy and he won’t have sex with me – the pierced, blonde haired, blue eyed, busty, bombshell, great-in-bed princess.

If he kissed me while I slept, I’d be bouncing up and down on his cock in a heartbeat. All he does is massage me to sleep and wake up to my furious ‘not-laid’ face.

Belle

Who doesn’t want that gold dress that she wore? I want to get married in that dress. I find the Beauty and the Beast film very intoxicating. And people (including both of us) have made jokes about Jock and I being Beauty and the Beast. Except he’s probably not going to turn into a rich prince with a massive castle. Instead I’ve got the paycheck-to-paycheck guy that lives in a trailer.

I need adventure in the great wide somewhere….. See, I’m totally like Belle. I’m always looking for the next adventure; the next chapter of my book. I’ve always been a total bookworm, and I’ve always seen beyond the face value of people. I’ve totally dated (and slept with) guys that I wouldn’t exactly call attractive. I’m an ‘inner-person’ kinda gal.

She’s a bit odd. A bit unique. ‘Nothing like the rest of us’ – that’s totally me. I’m odd. Unique. Why haven’t I found my Beast to fall in love with? Is Jock my Beast? She seemed to know about him… If I were a Disney princess, I’d totally know what to do… Or have a magic mirror in times of doubt!

Oh and let’s be honest – we all know a Gaston, right? I could probably name a couple of guys that are Gaston’s in my list. Guys that think they’re all that and a bag of chips and at the end of it all, end up being pretty disappointing… In fact, the Bestie on the other side of the world and I used to joke that Big Love was A LOT like Gaston. He totally was!!

Jasmine

I want a pet tiger. End of conversation. Plus her guy turns himself into a fucking prince for her. I can’t get my guy to understand why yellow Hawaii themed board shorts don’t go well with a multicoloured fluorescent checked shirt that’s been too small for him for well over a couple of years. Oh and those hiking boots he wore with them… Fuck my life.

Let’s face it too – Aladdin was a bit of a dousche. He was the badass guy that she thought she could change, just like every other girl out there; just like me. He’s totally the guy that’s been in trouble with the law but gives you amazing sex. You can’t take him home to meet your parents but you’ve got no problems with him giving you mind-blowing oral on a Sunday morning. You think you can keep him on the straight and narrow. That’s what I thought too… About Big Love, about Hubby, about Jock…. Haven’t you got it yet? Unless you are a Disney princess, the guy never changes. He has no intentions of changing.

Why can’t my guy miraculously genie-himself up and become the knight in shining armour I’ve always thought he might be?

Plus she’s got luscious hair. I want Jasmine’s hair too.

Ariel

I’m a total water-baby! I’d love to be a mermaid! Back to the real life though and she’s going to be the start of my nautical themed sleeve on my left arm. My nautical roots in my family and my background have made this one an obvious choice. Plus I’ve always wanted red hair. I tried it once. Far too much hard work for my liking. Fuck that.

She does the one thing that all women want to achieve – they want to get their guy to understand body language. Women talk too much and guys hate it – she’s the impossible dream. She shuts the fuck up. She’s got the perfect balance of everything. That’s what their relationship works – she can’t nag him too much, and he has to learn to read her body language in order to understand her.

I talk too much. I nag Jock. I’m always moaning. I’m a very vocal person. Sometimes I wish I could learn to shut the fuck up. Plus I’d love it if he could read my body language better. Life would be so much easier. Fine does not mean I’m fine. How come these twats haven’t learnt that yet?

Plus there’s the free clam bra. How cool would that be?!

Pocahontas

Pocahontas and John Smith overcome all of their ethical, moral, and cultural differences to make their relationship work. Ha! I can’t get my guy to understand why I get moody at THAT time of the month. I can’t get over his bitch-ex and he can’t get over how highly-sexed I am. I can’t get over how lazy he is these days and he can’t get over how much I criticise him. If I were a Disney princess, we’d have worked out ways to make that shit work. These days I can’t get even get Jock to talk to me.

Plus she’s got a great tan. I reckon I’d look good with a tan. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had a tan. I’m white of those milk-bottle white girls. It’s ridiculous. If I were Snow White I’d look good white and pasty. For fucks sake.

Aurora

I seriously need to sleep for a lifetime. Plus I like the idea of having those three miniature fairy godmothers. And I love the outdoors. I could totally live in a cottage in the woods… As long as it had a half decent internet connection. Fuck living without that.

Plus you get to find out you’re an actual princess. If someone had turned around to me on my 16th birthday and told me I was a Disney princess, I’d have shit my pants with glee. Plus you’ve seen that pink dress right? Pink is my favourite colour. Plus her Prince Charming is hot and literally comes along on a white (well, grey) horse and sweeps her off her feet. Jock can barely sweep a step.

I reckon I look a little bit like Sleeping Beauty too. If only my hair would grow a bit quicker. See, maybe I should be Rapunzel instead?

*****

Honestly, why aren’t I a Disney princess? I’m nice to animals and I fall in love just about as quick as those girls do. Meeting random guys in the woods and falling in love with them overnight is hardly the smartest move these girls could make – it’s totally the kinda shit that I would have done.

With cleaning woodland animals and flying abilities like the super-cute Tinkerbell (who is my favourite character to dress up as), I wish a little bit of pixie dust would help make the day go a little happier. In the end I’d find my happy ever after and live the dream that all little girls dream of… In a safe castle protected by a white knight / Prince Charming.

Seriously? I’m not a Disney princess yet?

Humph.