May 13th, 2012 – The Lapdog: Get Outta My Head
He’s in my head again. The Lapdog, I mean. We’ve communicated recently, and I saw his girlfriend walking past me earlier when I was outside my place of work having a quick smoke with my sister. It didn’t help that I came home and went through a bunch of files I have on my computer, coming across a few letters I’m pretty sure I never gave him. These were from before I started my blog, but I thought, rather than waste them, I should publish them.
This one is dated May 13th, 2012:
Hi,
I know you said you wanted a handwritten letter, but then I’d have to deliver it to you and that would make me cry, so I thought I’d just email you instead. I hope this is OK. I’ll try to find the most handwriting-looking font I can.
You literally just walked out of my house and it broke my heart. I wanted to run down the stairs after you but I know what you said was right. What you said is right. You need to go and get happy, and so do I. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that you aren’t enough; it just means that the timing isn’t right for us, yet again.
I do love you. I just don’t have enough to give you right now and you don’t deserve half a shot, if that makes sense? You are more than enough for me. I don’t care that you wear baggy jeans or polo shirts all the time, I don’t care that you never do your hair, I don’t care that you are not (as you put it) “hench”. I don’t care about any of that stuff. I adore you for the person you are, the way that you make me feel, and the fact that nothing ever changes between us.
This is also why I know we can’t work as friends. We can’t keep away from each other. You kiss me and I fall apart. When it’s just me and you, we are perfect. But we can’t just be me and you all the time. I need to go out and have my friends, I need to meet new people, I need to go out and have fun, and not just with girls because I don’t like them much. I’ve always had more male friends than female, and the fact that you automatically take a disliking to every male in my life makes it so difficult. I can’t just go out with you every night for the rest of my life. Life doesn’t work like that, neither does relationships.
I know that you’re right, though; I know the time apart will do us good. That DOES NOT mean I have to like it. I know we don’t text all day every day as we used to and I am so sorry about that, but we spend so much time together that the little texts don’t seem necessary. If we text each other all day when we’re not together, what will we talk about when we are together? We’ll have already texted all the things we wanted to say.
I miss you when you don’t text me, and I know whatever comes next is going to be so difficult — not being in each other’s lives. I do get where you are coming from, though; I understand how it feels to love someone with everything you have and not feel as if you are getting the same back. I don’t know what is wrong with us right now, but I do know that it is not a good foundation for a relationship. It barely works as a friendship. You’re paranoid and jealous and I don’t show enough emotion. I would rather bottle everything up and take it out on myself than have to talk to you about it. I would never say how much I still hate it that {your ex} messages you, not only because I don’t have a right as we are not together, but also because I’m not that kind of person. You take it as I don’t care, but in reality, it bugs me more than you will ever understand. Maybe that’s what I need? To hear of you in a happy relationship before I realise that I want you all the time. You know what us crazy chicks are like.
I do want you. And it’s more than just sex — I really need you to understand that. I love spending time with you, I love being around you. Even when it’s nothing it’s still something, you know? There are just so many reasons why I can’t commit to you right now, and when you’re in front of me it’s hard to know where to even begin to explain.
I need space. I get freaked out by the closeness, especially because I wasn’t used to it from Big Love. I can’t deal with telling someone where I am all the time and it annoys me when you ask. I get defensive and annoyed because, again, I am not used to someone keeping tabs on me all the time. I also don’t like the constant texts. When I don’t text you back straight away, you get annoyed and defensive, asking where I am, who I’m with, how long it’s going to be before you can call me or see me or whatever …
I still want to lose weight. If we get together now, or if I get together with anyone, I’ll get comfortable and put weight back on again. I’ve worked so hard to lose the weight that I have lost, yet I’ve done barely anything recently in the way of working out. It has annoyed me. The same goes for smoking: I can’t be in a relationship with a smoker; otherwise, I’ll end up smoking again. That’s not me telling you to quit; that’s me saying that I need to become a strong enough non-smoker before I can start hanging around with a smoker.
I need to have my rebound fling, I think. If we keep doing what we’re doing you’re going to end up being my rebound fling. You are worth so much more than that, in my eyes; however, I have so much anger and resentment towards the men in my dating history that I now need to rebel. I need to be cool and non-committal, sow my seeds, go fishing in that big pond. I need to date because I have NEVER dated. Not really. I need to do bad dates and good dates. I need to see good men and bad men. I need to do all of that for myself; otherwise, I’m going to regret it and resent the person who I think stopped me from doing all of that. I just need to be really, really selfish. I’ve given the guys in my life everything that I had, stupidly, and now I need to do what’s right for me. Just for a little while, at least.
This is not me saying that we’ll never work. This is me saying that there is so much I need to figure out first. I don’t need to go out and shag every guy that looks at me, and I definitely don’t want you to think that. I do need to meet people, though, and have new experiences and fun. I need to learn how to get angry and deal with it properly rather than hurting myself. I’ve been on the brink of self-harming so many times since I came home, but I haven’t done it and I am so very, very proud of myself. That might sound utterly stupid to you, but to me, that’s a big achievement. I want to be able to wear skirts and bikinis and the only way I am going to be able to do that is if I stop cutting. I need to sort that part of me out first, to mourn for Big Love and all those other shitty relationships. I still think about him all the time and it annoys me. I hate that he’s still in my head. It’s not fair on you. It’s not fair on me, either.
I adore you. You are my best friend. I can’t imagine you not being in my life, even after these three short months that we’ve been in each other’s lives again. However, I can’t stand how much this is hurting you. I can’t give you all of me. I can’t give anyone all of me, I’m not ready. I would kill any girl that ever made you cry like I make you cry, and I can’t stand seeing you like that anymore. I definitely can’t stand being the girl that caused you to feel like that.
If you find a girl that makes you smile, go for it. I probably will be jealous and angry because I missed my shot; in fact, I’d like to bet money on it. But, more than anything in this world, I want you to be happy because you deserve it! Go be single. Do the single thing. Just like I need to. Like I keep saying: you can’t be happy in a relationship if you are not happy being single. I can’t make you happy, only you can.
I hope this works out for us, in whatever way that it is meant to. If you need me, please don’t hesitate to call me. I will always be right at the end of the phone for you. I just hope we are doing the right thing by giving each other space.
One thing is certain: I love you.
Get happy x
