“I’m going to want kids someday…”

And then I said something super dumb. Why did I say it? Because I was stoned and I got carried away with his nice words. Because I figured I might as well get all my cards on the table nice and early because what’s the point in wasting time if we know from the beginning it won’t work…?

“I’m going to want kids someday. I’m almost 30. You’re 42 and you already have three grown-up kids. How would this work? Theoretically if I’m the girl you’re going to marry?”

That’s how I ended the last blog post. The cliff-hanger of all cliff-hangers. We’d had two epic dates, one night of toe-curling sex, he told me I would be the girl he was going to marry and then I went and ruined everything by saying the one thing it is 100% NOT COOL for a girl to say on a second date, 25 hours in or not.

Smooth move girl, well done. Another of your finest moments.

Or not.

I don’t really know why those words came out of my mouth but they did. They just tumbled out. I couldn’t stop them and to be honest, I’m glad of that. It’s taken me a long time to finally come to the acceptance that I probably would want kids one day and I genuinely don’t see the point in starting a relationship with someone who doesn’t want them, regardless of how good the sex is. Our relationship / whatever it is has moved at lightning speed already and, all jokes aside, I’m going along for the ride somewhat cynically. But we do need to face facts, he’s a 42 year old man, he already has three kids who have grown up and flown the nest, and there would be a good chance he wouldn’t want the hassle of anymore. I’m an almost 30 year old who’s staring to worry that she’s never going to have them and after a recent cervical cancer scare that got way too close for my liking, him not wanting kids would be a deal-breaker for me. But as brave as is felt, as soon as the words came out of my mouth I cringed. Between the drugs and the sex and the generally feeling amazing about myself, I’d gotten brave, too brave. Talk about ruining the mood. Nothing quite kills the sex buzz like talking about having kids on your second date but he brought up marriage and… Well, you know, I’m a crazy girl and all.

In the five or so seconds it took him to answer, my heart stopped, started, stopped and started again. I wanted to rewind the last minute of my life. We were having a good time, why did I need to go and bring that up? The subject of kids? Why?

“I think you’d make an amazing mum. If you ever wanted kids, all you’d need to do is say. As long as you make me as happy as you do right now, I’d do anything for you. Plus my brother just adopted and I keep getting well broody about that.”

Huh? I think I just brought up the subject of kids on the second date and got away with it. Better than that, I’m pretty sure I just got him to agree to it. I wasn’t prepared for that. I wasn’t ready. What makes me swoon a little more is the fact he knew I wasn’t ready for the answer he gave but instead of taking the piss like so many would have done, he just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close.

“Don’t say anything. We can talk about this whenever. But the answer is yes, whenever and however you’d want to ask. I’m serious about this, about you. Call me crazy but I am, crazy for you. You’re the girl I’ve always wanted to marry and that’s why I haven’t got married yet.” 

Really? We’ve spent the grand total of 30 hours together. I want to be so cynical about this but it’s really difficult to be logical when everything seems so comfortably familiar. What we had wasn’t first date sex. Nowhere close. It wasn’t bumpy, awkward, uncomfortable, fumbling, or any of the other things that first time sex is meant to be. It feels as if I’ve known him forever. I don’t watch what I’m saying. I don’t breathe in when his hand slides across my tummy. I don’t worry about how I look when I’m in bed with him. I don’t worry about anything. He clears my head of all the bullshit and leaves just… Peace? Contentment? I don’t know? But when he calls me gorgeous I genuinely believe it because when he says it, he doesn’t just say it. It’s in his eyes, his smile, his facial expression… It’s like I’ve been reacquainted with a great old friend. I believe him. I trust him. He’s genuine. And if he’s not, well, he’s a very good liar. Or I’m a really bad judge of character.

Or it could be the one thing I know I’m really not allowed to say.

He reminds me of Jock. A lot.