Sex Fail: That Time I Tried to Pee on My Boyfriend
It’s time for a sex fail, friends… and I think this one is positively hilarious. So, without any further introduction, let’s get to it, shall we?
Once upon a time, a young and dumb boy stood in front of a young and dumb girl and said, “I think you should pee on me.”
And that young and dumb girl turned to the young and dumb boy and said, “Well, I guess we won’t know if we like it unless we give it a try!”
Ten minutes later, we were giggling in front of the kitchen sink. He filled a mug with tap water, then handed it to me. I gulped it down, then he filled it a second time, then a third.
“How much water do you think I’ll need to drink?” I asked, breathless from swallowing what felt like gallons of water, barely stopping to take a breath.
“How about a fourth?” he replied, filling the mug once again.
“I might be sick if I drink more!” I cried, and I belched. Super sexy stuff.
We made our way into the bathroom, where he stripped and I stood, watching, giggling like an absolute tit. He was giggling, too. At least I wasn’t alone.
He stepped into the bath, then sat down. “Come on, then!”
With a huge nervous sigh, I slowly took my t-shirt off – his t-shirt, I should say. Then, I wriggled out of my (his) joggers, kicking my socks off along with them. I rarely wore pants around him. We fucked so often; I figured I’d make life easier. (We both got fired from multiple jobs… that’s how much time we spent naked.)
“How are we going to do this? Shall I… squat on you?” I could barely get the words out; I was laughing so hard. As kinks go, it was proving to be more fucking hilarious than sexy, but we hadn’t gotten to the main attraction yet.
“I’ll lie down,” he said. “Then, you can like, stand over me.”
The water audibly sloshed around inside me as I stepped into the bath and positioned myself over my boyfriend’s naked body. It was cold, and I felt ridiculous as I bent my knees a little and rested a hand on the cold tiles. Nervous giggles replaced our excited ones.
“Do I just… go?” I whispered.
“Wait,” he said shifting beneath me and clamping his eyes shut. “Right, ready!”
I clamped my eyes shut, too.
And I unclenched.
Three seconds pass. Five seconds. Ten. Fifteen. A year. One thousand years. A fucking eternity. Zero pee.
“Are you gonna do it?” He opened one eye.
“I don’t think I can!”
“Push really hard.”
Five seconds pass. Ten years. One gazillion lightyears. I pushed. I imagined waterfalls and the beach and the sloshing mugs of water inside me. I willed myself to pee more than I’ve ever willed myself to pee before.
Absolutely nothing happened. Not even the tiniest droplet of pee came out.
“I’ve got stage fright, I think,” I admitted.
“I’ll turn the tap on,” he said, kicking the tap with his toe.
The gushing water helped. I could feel the pee building. It was coming. It was!!
Nothing.
I imagined and pushed and prayed to pee. I pushed so hard that I thought my insides were going to fall out. No pee. Not a fucking drop of it. I did manage to push out a whopper of a fart, though. And that fucker rumbled around the tiled bathroom like nothing I’ve ever heard before.
I froze in place, my eyes wide. Fuck. Shit. Bollocks. Fuuuuuuck.
He laughed. And then, he laughed a bit more. And then, when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, he laughed so hard that he PISSED and it touched my foot, which made me scream and fart again.
It was an unmitigated disaster. And the wrong one of us got peed on.
We were both in fits of hysterics as we quickly showered together… and washed his piss away. And when he left the bathroom and I sat down on the toilet, I did the longest, loudest, most forceful pee of my life, which, of course, made us both howl with laughter again.
“Couldn’t have done that a few minutes ago?” he laughed, from the other side of the bathroom door.
“Fuck off or I’ll get stage fright again,” I laughed back.
I think it’s pretty safe to say, I don’t have a pee kink.
I think I probably ruined any pee kink he might’ve had, too. Proper sex fail. At least we laughed!
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
If you’re in the market for something a lil’ spicier, why not check out one of my smutty favourites:
