I am beyond excited to bring to you the blog’s first ever guest post and who better to write it than the delectable @GeekyTemptress? 

Happy reading… 

Splosh

I really love sex silly amounts and then I really love food.

Thankfully sploshing exists and there can usually be had a myriad of giggling fun times from your very own fridge. There’s also some huge things NOT to do to yourself, but it’s fine… I did them already do you don’t have to.

I think I’ve separated it out into the main categories, so here’s my crash course on foody fuckery.

External

Any food stuffs you plan to eat off someone else. 

See now the sushi thing is so fucking hot, but on a day where you’ve been rolling around for hours it shouldn’t be something you leave until last. Presentation and anticipation is everything. It’s also really dainty and although fun, I think I still prefer to eat the sushi rather than be the plate for it.

You’ve then got your standard chocolate sauces (just get it from the supermarket, sex ones taste ew), whipped creams, syrups of any kind & ice cubes. All good, fun, wholesome classics, but as with any food, clean sheets are a must after. There’s nothing worse than realising a faint sour milk smell from yesterday’s whipped cream.

Internal

For use on zee ladies

(I don’t recommend anal foods guys, sorry)

Did you know that you can give yourself frost bite from wanking with a Popsicle? I do. It fucking hurts. There’s quite an extensive list of things in this category which I’ve done and will not revisit again.

Top 3 no-repeats:

Unsmoothed cucumbers, tried it once with someone and they kinda rubbed the bobbles off… It was fun but no. If you must use nature’s green dildo I’ve since found totally peeling it works much better.

Bananas – when they get warm they fall apart, you can appreciate why this is a no.

Ice pops/lollies – already discussed.

You can however have excellent fun with a Mars bar, and if your lady has some cracking muscle controls I recommend cherries.

Smaller ice chips can be excellent here too, chocolate drops can go wrong (think about it) and it’s probably best to check for a peanut allergy before commuting to a snickers fucking.

Additions

Pop it in your mouth & down you go

Occasionally I like to add something extra to my blowjobs. I love sucking cock and I love getting creative.

Obviously a mouth full of champagne always goes down a treat, ice cream if he likes the cold – and here I especially recommend an asda one with round biscuit balls in, it’s like a tongue piercing without the self harm.

I once woke someone up with a mouthful of popping candy too. He didn’t find it as funny as I did… But I would totally do it again.

I’ve not really had any major faux pas in this section either, so the world is your oyster! (Don’t use actual oysters).

Lubes

Self explanatory

See I don’t know if it was foolish or funny, but I now know Flora as lube can lead to yeast infections. Not to mention making you feel like an xmas turkey when that’s what’s used pre-fisting. Don’t try that one at home kids.

I’ve not found a foodie lube I love over actual lube yet and I’ve given it a damn good go. Various alcohols, sauces, syrups (so so messy), jelly was fucking funny (don’t use raspberry; it goes real wrong, real fast).

I’ve just noticed a total lack of savoury food here too. Maybe if you make some suggestions I can try them out for you, like a kinky Anikas challenge.

I feel a whole video blog thing coming on…!

*****

Big love to @GeekyTemptress for this delight. Do we have any reader-requests….?

xo