Friday: Explanation
When I woke up this morning, I had one more voicemail and three emails. He’s really working his way around the various communication methods here, isn’t he? After my last DO NOT text and DO NOT call message, it would appear he still hasn’t got the hint which is a shame because I’m still REALLY angry.
(Previous Post: Thursday)
It was his last email that really got me. It was his way of explaining why he’d REALLY dumped me. Apparently.
I’m expecting you to dissect this but I’m not after a reply, just think you deserve to know my true feelings.
Here’s the two reasons why I can’t be with you. The biggest thing for me is I truly don’t think you feel the same way about me as I do for you. From the second I laid eyes on you I fell in love but getting feelings from you have been a battle to the point you wrote down some stuff and left it out for me to find. OK, it was a nice letter but you obviously couldn’t tell me that to my face as it never meant anything. Anyone can just write words on paper and just smile and expect people to believe they’re real. You write a glorified blog of your life and you’re used to sugar coating stuff. What’s worse is what you said to me when we first got together. If I weren’t enough you’d probably sleep with someone else. If I felt like you loved me the same way this probably wouldn’t be an issue but it is, I don’t think I can trust you. Maybe in the future that’s something you may wanna keep to yourself when going into your next relationship.
And secondly I need someone in my life more than just a couple of days a week. When you go home it’s a battle every time. It seems like it’s a fight each week just to get you to come back. I’m head over heels in love with you and to have you just for a couple of days and then nothing for sometimes a week or more is torture. I need more babe. Fuck I want someone to share my home and life with. I need to find someone closer to me so at least they could pop round and see me in between the couple of days we get to spend with one another. Maybe I’m too needy, maybe I’m expecting too much, either way I’m sorry.
For a little while in the midst of all this, I wondered if one of my (male, self-confessed asshole) Twitter followers had been right. Maybe he was just sorry? He sure had sent enough ‘I’m sorry’ messages. Maybe he HAD just made a mistake. People make mistakes, right? I make enough of them. I’m a pro! What if he just made a mistake? What if it really was just a case of inappropriately overreacting / flying off the handle and he’s not a narcissistic sociopath? I fly off the handle all the time. I’ve just learned to channel my inner angry maniac. But perhaps my pride and ego were getting in the way? Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?
But then he flipped it around again. All of a sudden he wasn’t sorry anymore and it was MY fault again. I was punishing him. I was being petty. I was stringing it out. Don’t worry about all the hurtful things he said and did to me. Oh no, I’m not allowed to be angry, hurt or upset about any of it and if I am, I gotta get over it by the time he tells me to? Well that’s not right.
The reason I’m being so “strong” about this, about not reloading his gun so he can have a second shot at me, is because as much as I thought I loved him, and I genuinely think I did, I love myself more. I have a chronic digestive condition that seems to erupt every time I fight with someone, and the last few days I’ve been really quite sick. Blazing temperature, no appetite, aches and pains, can’t get out of bed, all very flu-like. Except it’s not, it’s disease-related. And as much as I want to blame the 12 pieces of popcorn I ate last week (number one food on the DO NOT EAT list), I think this whole Brown Eyes business is also a little responsible. If being with him is going to be like this, like walking on egg shells and desperately watching what I say all the time, always needing to calm his ready-to-blow-at-anytime impulsiveness, I’m going to be really sick. I don’t mind losing ten pounds in just over a week, I’m a happy size 10 again with plenty of room to move around, but not being able to get out of bed and enjoy this beautiful sunshine? No man is worth that. And it really feels as if I might be dying. And in case you want to know what it feels like, the back ache and cramps have been compared to labour pains by women who have been through labour. Trust me, I’ve read every website there is.
I haven’t been this sick in a long time. I’ve had a really good handle on things, watching my diet, being relatively chilled and relaxed. It feels as though I did 5 massive steps forward and all of a sudden, I’ve gone 155 huge leaps back. That’s counterproductive for me. I’m almost thirty. I really need to make smart and sensible decisions.
He made me so happy. He really was everything I wanted in a man. That bubble has burst now. It’ll never be the same again.
Friday can fuck right off.
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
If you’d like to read the full (and batshit) story about Brown Eyes, you’ll find it, from start to finish, right here.
If you’d like some more spicy stuff like this, why not check out one of my smutty favourites:
That email actually screams with toxicity and unhealthiness. It is the letter of a sociopath, and over 5 years I collected many, many examples. It took me that long to learn to decode them, but I’m a pro at it now!
“I know that even though you aren’t replying, you are reading what I’m writing, and I know you are in the early stages of peptide addiction, so you will be searching through all I write for validation that I feel the same way you do. However, you haven’t responded the way I expected, and so I am having to do some severe damage control, and this is the latest best I’ve come up with. I’ll try something else if this doesn’t work, cycling between adoration, indifference and abuse.
I truly don’t think you feel the same way I do. I feel nothing for you, you are someone to control, my current prime target to set up for abuse. It’s why I can fall in love at first sight – I don’t need to know a person, because it’s all about the shiny to me, and you are never so shiny as when I first spot you. Because you will never be so new again. And once I own you, you’ll have to start dealing with the other shiny things I see and fall in love with. To be with me, you have to act exactly the way I expect, and whatever you do will not be good enough – there will always be some way you will fall short. There will always be a reason for me to want a new shiny. That’s why I am projecting onto you my own compulsive urge to cheat.
I need you with me all the time, because before I begin abusing you, I have to get you addicted to me. I do that by supplying a heady mix of sex, protestations of love, endless compliments and promises for the future – of holidays, marriage and babies (that I have no intention of ever following through on). No one gets addicted through ocassional use. And to be clear – you would always have to come to me, because after the first month or so, it’s all about my convenience. I’m sorry – but as you can see if you read this letter carefully, this is all your fault, and I’m only putting the word ‘sorry’ in, because usually that’s what shinies see and they come back to me.”
Stay strong x