Explanation: Rebuttal

I wrote this weeks ago but I’m super behind with my blogging because, unlike my social life, my career is going great which just goes to prove that when one area of your life goes brilliantly, the rest falls spectacularly to pieces.

I read it. Them. The three emails. I managed to keep my cool for about half an hour and then I lost my shit. I wrote out a nasty, spiteful email in return, with the full intention of sending it to him but I won’t. I’ll just keep ignoring him. I felt better for just writing it all down if I’m honest, and then I figured I might as well share my rant with you fine folks!

Oh and before I start the rant, this blog post is a rebuttal to his ‘explanation’ behind our sudden and unexpected breakup which you can find here: Friday: Explanation 

You don’t think I feel the same as you? Getting feelings from me has been a battle? IT’S BECA– USE WE’VE BEEN DATING FOR FIVE WEEKS MATE. GET A FUCKING HOLD OF YOURSELF. If we’d been dating six months and I hadn’t said the L-word, I’d be a little worried, but it wasn’t even six goddamn weeks. And even then I ENDED UP SAYING THE ACTUAL WORDS THE SAME DAY YOU READ MY LOVE LETTER! At that point, we’d been dating for what? Five weeks? Six weeks?

I couldn’t tell you that to your face that I loved you because it didn’t mean anything? I DID tell you that to your face. I told you three times. I know that because I remember each and every time. Each time was magical and beautiful and amazing. I really loved you. I couldn’t keep the words to myself any longer, that’s why they came out. Once was mid-fight, once was after sex, and once was as we were snuggled on the couch and you had just nuzzled into my hair. I don’t just say those words. I need to mean them. They need to be bursting from me, the only thing I can think to say. And they were, I couldn’t hold the words inside me anymore. That’s why they came out of me, that’s why I remember every fucking time.

When I told you I’d sleep with someone else if you weren’t “enough” for me before we even met, I’m pretty sure it was a jokey statement that you have obviously paid far too much attention to. Banter. Early bird, too-cheeky flirting. I’m pretty sure it was related to sex, and you were telling me how much of a high sex drive you have. I’m even more sure my rebuttal was something flippant, sarcastic and in hindsight, probably not the best thing to say.

“Good, sex is important. If the sex isn’t right, people are more inclined to cheat. I’d be more inclined to cheat.” 

Don’t quote me on that but I’m sure that was the gist of it. It was a flippant comment, something I’d probably quoted from Twitter. It didn’t mean anything. I have no intentions of cheating on you. Ever. It was a stupid comment I made in jest then, I didn’t mean it then and I don’t mean it now. I won’t say it now. Just me and my sarcastic, flippant sense of humour. It always gets me into trouble. I’m almost sure you said something equally inappropriate in return too, perhaps not along the same lines but talk about pick something out of nowhere. That’s what you’ve done throughout this entire “breakup”.

If you felt I loved you the same way, you wouldn’t worry about me cheating but because you don’t, you don’t trust me? I haven’t looked at another man since I met you. No other man has even entered my mind. You are all the man I want, everything, in fact probably too much. I made it CRYSTAL clear that you had exactly what I was looking for, not just in bed, but everything everywhere. I gave you compliments every day because I meant them. When you looked hot, I told you that you looked hot. When I told you how hot you made me feel, I pushed your hands down my underwear to show you the effect you had on me, an effect I’m pretty sure we both know cannot be faked. I held up my end of the bargain sweetheart, I did and said all the things I was supposed to. I meant them too. It wasn’t hard work, I didn’t need to remind myself to praise or compliment you, I didn’t need to work myself up to making your lunch, doing your laundry, taking photos of your van or sucking your dick… I did those things because I wanted to, because they made you smile, because I love you and your fucking smile. Just not enough apparently.

I couldn’t have done more. I don’t think so anyway. I came running back, holding out the olive branch after every fight we had. I made my way to you when you couldn’t come get me, overcoming my anxiety and general uselessness with public transport. I did everything in my power to keep to every date I made with you. I hadn’t changed or rearranged in ages because I knew how much it upset you. I did my best. I DID do enough.

You need someone in your life who you see more than a couple of times a week? You were “jokingly” asking me to move in with you from about date four onwards. I think you have a warped sense of the pace a relationship is meant to move at. Relationships, even the very best ones, just don’t roll like that – that fast. I knew we had something awesome from our very first date. I admitted that. But I’m not a nutter and I’m not deluded either. I knew in order for this to be the wonderful long-term thing I wanted it to be, I would need to reign it in, just slow things down a little.

I wanted to see you all the time. That’s a lie, not all the time, I still need my own space, but I loved spending time with you. I never wanted to leave, I thought that was obvious from the way you always asked me to stay one extra night and I always said yes. Obviously not.

It’s a fight each week to get me to come back? You started all of them. I had been packed to see you on the Monday since the Friday before, and it took me days after you cancelled to unpack that bag. I couldn’t wait to see you. I had gifts for you. I also found some stuff to help your business. I’d worked on your business and had stuff to show you! It was you who started this fight, who started most of the fights. You started the battle and made it difficult, no, impossible, for me to calm you down.

You need to find someone who lives closer to you? Ok, well I can’t really argue with that. But you told me you loved that about us, the drive to me always being super exciting and the drive home being sad but you loved the way we always held hands. I knew how to get the train to yours now. There would have been no problems if you’d told me you wanted to see me more. Instead, you started a whole bunch of fights and made me feel completely the opposite – like I was wanted. For someone who talks so much, it’s funny how you can never tell me the things that are upsetting you at the time, instead choosing to bring it up and add fuel to the fight-fire YOU created at a later date.

And eventually, when it was appropriate, we would get to that point – moving in, moving closer, planning a future, etc. You really don’t live that far away and with new, planned transport links, the journey would have been even shorter. We’d jokingly laughed about the kind of house we would have, our bulldog puppy, the way we could see us together if we lasted the distance. How can you go from that to ‘sorry, thanks but no thanks’? I started to see a hint of a future with you. I was started to think my crazy could deal with your crazy. Now I see your crazy is way out of my league. I can’t keep up with your crazy.

Maybe you’re too needy? Maybe you’re expecting too much? Yeah, I reckon so mate, don’t you? And you’re sorry? It’s a little too late for that. The moment I softened and started to think you were genuinely sorry and not an uber-douche, you had yet another temper tantrum, yet another blocking fit, yet another totally unreasonable response. You said you’d try to be less impulsive and talk to me when things were bugging you but once again, you didn’t. Instead you went off into your own little crazy world and expected me to sit here and wait for you to come back and tell me you’re ready to work things out. Oh, and then there’s only a two-hour window otherwise you’ll block me again.

This is nuts. It’s crazy. I don’t even know if it was love or just complete infatuation. I know I had genuine feelings for you. I don’t know if you had genuine feelings for me or if I was just a pawn in some dumb game that once again, I didn’t know how to play.

Either way, I can’t cope with the crazy. So you can take your explanation and you can shove it up your ass. Fuck you. Fuck you and your crazy.